One Week Later

I registered for the CA February bar today. Everything is in line for me to get back into full-time studies in four days.

It's hard to believe that just one week has passed since I got my disappointing bar results.

A week of processing and thinking and staring into space and moping while also trying to get on with life.

Those first couple of days were not very righteous days. I told God exactly what I thought of His plan for me. I felt Him constantly comforting my soul to which I literally said "Go away!! I don't want your comfort!" No, my maturity wasn't shining through. Yes, I had been paying attention to my four-year-old's temper tantrums. But He didn't leave me. He held on despite my whining, crying, anger, hurt, bitterness, resentment, confusion, fear.

A lot of these feelings came from the confusion of this path that I have been led to. I did not want to go back to school and I certainly did not want to ever take the bar exam. Again and again and again I have tried to get off this path and have been repeatedly told (once in these particularly words) to 'stay the course.'

It is very difficult to explain just how hard this summer was so for me on so many levels. Let me just say it was 12 weeks I never wanted to repeat ever in my life. There has never been a time in my life where I have needed to give more of myself to my studies, to my children, to my husband, to the household, to my church calling.

I think I had about 6 weeks left before the bar exam in July when I was called to be nursery leader. I smile now to think about it, but at the time I was a wreck. I cried and I cried and I cried. This is one of those 'breaking points' we have in life sometimes. As I thought about what I was trying to do, studying six days a week, all of the responsibilities of my family and home, and then on Sunday, with my new calling, I would be getting up, getting me and my kids ready for church, taking them to sacrament meeting alone, and then going to nursery. And I had no clue how to tackle that calling. It was simply beyond my abilities. And it was hard. And it wasn't my favorite thing I'd ever done. But somehow we all survived.

Somehow my family and I made it through those three months of extreme craziness. But as I realized last week that my very best efforts were not enough, I was crushed. I've got to go through this again. How many times am I going to have to go through this again? How many times are we all going to have to go through this again?

Last Sunday night I was especially wallowing. As I looked at the city lights that night I just wanted to be able to have a face to face conversation with God where I got some answers. I was thinking how that conversation would go. The thought came to me that He would say "Janell, I would love to take this pain away from you. I would love to explain to you why this has to be the way it has to be. But if I told you now, the purpose would be ruined and it would all be for nothing. I love you."

I don't know if during this lifetime I will ever have an understanding of the 'whys' behind many of the events and trials we have passed through as a family over the course of the last 18 months. But what I do know is how much the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father has grown. Particularly during this summer of bar hell. I know He loves me and my family, even when I am acting like a spoiled four-year-old.

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day that brought a smile to my face. I was thinking about these things we are asked to do in life by God that we don't understand or that we don't want to do. Taking the CA bar again is definitely in that category for me. My epiphany is that "I don't have to like it, I just have to do it."

It's OK that I didn't immediately jump for joy when I found out i had failed. It's OK that this is not how I would have chosen things to go for me. It's OK that I've had a temper tantrum. But now it's time to just do it. OK, I'm giving myself until December 1 to be 100% into this new plan. =) I think I might need a couple of more days to whine to myself a bit. I'll give myself a three day whine-dow for that .... ha ha ha (that joke was very Williamesque: corny and grandpa all in one).

In any case, I don't have to like, I just have to do, and in the process of doing hopefully the remaining bitterness will fade to complete acceptance. That's my hope!!!

p.s. Happy Thanksgiving. (I have to laugh as I write that, after my big whine fest!)

Even though this is a tough time for me, I do recognize my blessings. We have a loving Heavenly Father and our Savior who are both constantly mindful of us. Our children our fabulous and make me smile with their cuteness. William is better than he was a few weeks ago and we have hope that life in general will be a little easier for us both. We have fantastic friends and family who are great supports and strengths to us. And Little Caesar's recently opened up a drive-thru window with $5 pizzas. What in the world do I have to complain about?

The Laughs Just Keep On Coming Over Here

This is just so ... so ... funny ...

I am analyzing my scores and it comes down to a few multistate questions or a few issues better analyzed that could have made the difference. But that's OK.

What I am currently laughing at are the plans I am making to continue on. If I had scored just a few more points and passed this time around, I would have just, by the skin of my teeth, been able to apply for the Washington bar exam and take it in February.

But that was not meant to be. So I will take California's February exam. If by the grace of God I pass February's exam, there is no way I can then take the Washington's July bar exam. California releases their results May 14, and Washington closes their applications the end of April.

So even in the best possible scenario available to me now, if I pass CA's exam in February, I will have to wait a year to take Washington's exam.

And for complicated reasons I have to take and pass both exams, passing CA's first.

'La la la la Law, la la la law' will continue to be my song, as my seriously elongated process between being admitted to law school and actually passing a bar goes on and on and on and on.

I do have to say that finding out I was close to passing has made all the difference in my attitude. I now feel like while it didn't happen the way I wanted it to (much like most things in life), I can do this. I will do this, with heavenly help.

December 1 it's back to the books full-time.

Well ...

I surprisingly got my notice of failure from the CA bar today. That was fast!! They do a break down of the different essay questions and the multiple choice portion and your scores on it all. To have passed the exam, I needed 1440 points. If you come within 100 points of the passing score they do a reread of your essays to ensure that you were assessed properly.

They reread my exam.

I ended up with 1415 points.

I was 25 points from passing.

Excuse me while I go and bang my head on the wall for a while.

48 hours later ...

This still stinks.

Twelve Hours Later ...

This really stinks. I wanted to be Superwoman. Someone who could have a major surgery, then graduate and take (and PASS) a bar exam a few months later. All while taking care of three small children, a husband, and all aspects of running a household.

I'm not Superwoman.

Law has really bitten me in the butt. Getting into law school was the last time I felt capable. Ever since then my journey in this field of study has left me feeling like I just can't make the cut. BYU law school continually made me feel inept. The worst feelings of failure came when I tried my absolute hardest and still did not rise to the top. So I began to not try so hard, for the same results. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was mediocre or worse.

I could not have been more disciplined or studied harder for this bar exam. I absolutely put my entire heart and soul into this venture. This failure makes me want to quit. To give up. To say "I am not good enough and never will be." But I know this is not the answer. I think this is not the answer.

I am confused. When I think back to the three days of the bar exam, I am confused. Since my surgery through the bar exam and after I was occasionally getting debilitating migraine headaches. I woke up on day one of the bar exam at 4 a.m. with one such headache. I cannot believe I took a sleeping pill and meds, went back to sleep for a couple of hours, then awoke to be clear minded, headache free and able to tackle the first day of questions. This is truly amazing.

With most of the essay questions, I felt like I had been led to what to study to be able to answer them. I didn't feel like I gave a stellar performance, but as I looked back on the three days, I felt I had been prompted about particular subjects that showed up on the test.

One thing that many talk about with the California three day exam is that endurance is one of the key traits needed to get through it - and exhaustion can be the undoing of many who undertake this exam. Despite the fact that since my surgery fatigue has been a huge problem for me, and I was taking several cat naps a day to get through my rigorous study schedule, I was able to take the test, all three days, with no fatigue issues during the exam. I had a clear mind and was able to be focused.

Don't get me wrong, I ended the three-day period feeling like I'd been hit by a brick wall, and feeling like that was a horrible experience. I left feeling like I had no clue about the outcome - that there were things that were horrible and things that were not so bad.

But overall I felt like I had been so blessed to have the physical ability to sit and take the exam. And it is nothing short of a miracle.

So this leads to the question: WHY BOTHER?????????????????? Why bother giving me the strength and ability to study for this exam to have me fail in the end. This is very confusing to me. In some ways, it would have been a lot better to have shown up, have had the migraine that was so painful I couldn't have left my hotel room that first day. I would have known at that instant that there was not hope. I would have to get it together and try next time. In some ways the 'tender mercies' of this experience actually seem like cruel acts. I'm sure with time I will have a different perspective on all of this.

The facing everyone and telling them I have failed is about 10% of my pain. The 90% portion is that I have to put me and my family through this all over again. I've got to send my kids to the sitter full time. I've got to leave friends and family high and dry while I hole up. Somehow I've got to face the hardest intellectual challenge of my life that took every ounce of courage I had in my soul ... again, knowing I've failed once. And the money ... but hey, we've already sold our soul to the student loan devil so why look back now.

What a year. What a year. Oh What a Year! Please - no more growing for me. No more stretching. No more testing and trying. Can't I just have a month off?????? And the waaaaa waaaaaaaing continues .....

Whining and crying can only get me so far. I am trying to remember perspective. Blah blah grand scheme of things blah. Maybe I can work on perspective tomorrow.

No Good News Here

No passing the bar for me. At this moment in time I really really really don't know how I can possibly face that thing again.

I Passed!!!

After two long years I finally sat, and passed, my new state's written driving test today =).

Ok, ok, so I have a cruel, sick and twisted sense of humor, but let me report a passing grade in something this week. In light of the fact that I will be able to find out my bar results in 31 hours, I have been dreaming of a blog entry entitled "I Passed" and thought I'd take it where I can get it.

I am prepared for "the worst" tomorrow night, though am trying to remember that "the worst" is not the end of the world.

I was very very very sad to let go of my Washington State driver's license. Especially considering I could show teeth in that picture. My new picture is ... almost as bad as my passport photo taken a couple of weeks after Jaiden's birth. Yikes!!!

Ok, so back to my obsessive countdown .... !!!!

The Absent Blogger

I really miss my blogging days. I miss the connections with others. I miss writing. I miss sharing in others' blogging lives. I miss, I miss, I miss!!

This past month we had William's mother visit us and a week after Julie left, my sister Angela and her two sons stayed with us for a week. We have had lots of fun, lots of kids fights, lots of food, and now it's back to normal life.

Of note: yesterday Ezrie had the biggest tantrum of her life to date. This was an outing with me and the three kids to target on Saturday - always an exciting thing to do by itself. After wild flailing, punching mom in the face, screaming at the top of her lungs in the store "you almost made me bleed," came a one-liner that I am never going to let her live down: "I am going to keep on screaming no matter what!" Somehow we all managed to live through that episode. And she didn't get the gum.

This year I have been working on my health. I love going to our YMCA and have finally been getting back to the classes I have missed. I had lost 30 pounds at the beginning of the year, during my 10 weeks of bar exam study managed to put 5 pounds back on, then after the bar managed to put on another 5 in about five days. Yuck. So, I am 10 lbs up (or 20 lbs down, depending on how you look at it) and working on getting those back off. The never ending battle of the pregnant looking stomach .....

We have had an ongoing trial with William's health the past year that has been all-consuming. Today I was thinking about how I have been prepared to handle this - how Tumey and various other major life experiences have led to this point. Some days are better than others. Today is an 'other.' William's health is the main reason I went back to school and when I consider our current situation I am so very grateful that I have been able to complete my education. The licensing process is another story. But I was thinking today of how much I wanted to take a break from school when I found out I had to have the brain surgery. It seemed so logical and reasonable that I should take a semester off. But it was made very clear and obvious that I was meant to march onwards in that regard. And it was very, very hard. But we have been blessed. Amazing.

While sometimes the weight of caring for our children and William in virtually every regard seems so heavy and cumbersome, I know that this will not last forever. This too shall pass. I know that Heavenly Father has a bigger vision for me and my family than I myself can have. It feels like he continues to stretch us and develop us in ways that are painful, yet so very worth the pain. Task after task I feel inadequate and incapable yet when I try my hardest he makes up where I am lacking. And usually the lacking is great.

I love Elder Holland's 'Ministry of Angels' talk from fall conference last year and reread this again tonight. I know we have angels on both sides of the veil buoying us up. There are many who love us and want our family to succeed and I am very very grateful for the love and support we receive. This afternoon I was sitting on the couch and my sweet, sweet Levi looked over at me and said, "mom, what's wrong? I think you need a hug." And he gave me one. Even on hard days there are small blessings around.

Where's Waldo ..... Frumpy??

Busy. Busy. Busy. Thank goodness that time has manages to speed up a gazillion notches while I'm waiting for bar results, because life continues to be totally and completely hectic. Here's what we've been doing .....

We have very dear friends who have been going through serious health problems, a surgery and recovery in this last several weeks.

Levi and Ezrie are back in school - Levi is in all-day kindergarten, Ezrie in preschool. Jaiden's job is to destroy the house while he has it all to himself in the morning and he's doing a fantastic job.

I've been trying to dig our home out of the rubble and chaos that it has been left in after a year of neglect. I never really properly moved our stuff in - never got my kitchen organized, as we moved in during Tumey Time, which led to recovery time, which led to graduation time, which led to MPRE time, which led to Ezrie time, which led to Levi time which led to bar exam prep and taking time, which led to now.

So the last couple of weeks I have found: my recipe books, my measuring cups, my brown sugar (it was down in storage), and my beautiful gorgeous tupperware. I love that stuff.

Today I was released as Nursery Leader and sustained as early morning seminary teacher. I have been substituting in this calling for the last several weeks and LOVE IT!!!!!! Good thing I got used to waking up early this summer while I was studying for the bar. Though it takes me about two second to sleep in until 7:30 on the weekends. Not hard at all.

We are also getting ready for company - William's mom gets here this week, then my sister Angela and her family will visit in October.

I miss blogging!!!!!! I just don't have the computer time I used to have and it stinks!! And now I gotta go get tomorrow's lesson plans finalized ......

Random Thought

Just realized this second that "oh, I had brain surgery a year ago today."

Shows you how hectic and crazy life is right now. I'm planning a weekend post to do some updating.

Can't believe that Tumey left the building one year ago.

Bizarro.

Recent Pictures

From The. Best. Day. Ever where I was completely spoiled rotten and loved every minute of it, thank you Jen!!!!

Got together with Taeya and kids in Utah. Here's a couple of baby Eliza, Amelia (also darling)was in photos with Ezrie half dressed so didn't want to post those ...

Kids with cousins ..

At Gateway Discovery children's museum in SLC - a fantastic place!!

And by the way, day two of travels went just fine!

Sometimes I just have to think "Seriously?"

So me and the kids started off to the airport for a couple of flights to Utah today. I should have known ....

Our day started at 6 am, we were out to the airport, checked in, through security, happily waiting for our plane to arrive shortly when I notice the rain. Airline personnel make an announcement that our plane is trying to land, but they are going to wait and see if lightening becomes a problem before they will allow the plane to land.

Crash. Boom. Bam.

And an hour later our plane is diverted to Tennessee, we will certainly miss our connecting flight in St. Louis and, by the way, the St. Louis airport is closed for a while as well. So - we rebook our flights for tomorrow, I go and collect our bags (minor baggage mishap solved w/in 45 minutes), and me and the kids begin waiting for William to come and pick us up. And wait and wait and wait. William is trying to get to the airport with road closures all around due to flooding. We ended up waiting for him for 3 hours (at the airport a grand total of 6 hours).

Then he calls tell me that he can only pick us up on the highest level of the airport because the other levels at the airport have been flooded. Sure enough I see airport personnel with their pants hiked up to their thighs, shoes off, wading around down in the garage below. The elevators are no longer working because of the flooding, so I am trying to get three kids, four back packs, four pieces of luggage, a car seat and a stroller up the escalator to meet William. A nice man see the dilemma and tries to assist. Ezrie's escalator fear kicks in and I end up having to push her on the escalator so she won't be left alone at the bottom by herself, causing her to get bloody scrapes on her ankles and then hearing at least 100 times how 'mommy pushed Ezrie,' or other variations such as 'mommy cut Ezrie's ankles' or 'Mommy was naughty' reported to Dad.

We get everything loaded up, then try to find a creative way to get back to our home through flooded out roads. Along the way someone REALLY REALLY REALLY HAS TO GO to the bathroom (#2), we pull into a gas station, I run the child in only to find out they don't have public restaurants, but the Chinese restaurant across the street does, we have to wait for the lights to change, run over, see a sign posted "restrooms are for paying customers only" disregard said sign, run in and discover ..... we weren't exactly in time.

Oh goodness. So we continue trying to get home. By the time we get home, we should be just touching down in Utah. We've eaten all the backpack snacks, the new dollar store toys for the trip have lost their excitement, and we didn't progress our trip one bit.

Oh well!!! It could be worse. I could be stranded in St. Louis with a kid who's crapped their pants trying to get a hotel shuttle while smelling like pee, BO, bad breach and stinky feet.

I guess it's just another trip to write about on the blog. I live to entertain you!!!!!!

My Top Three

Worst Pains in my Whole Life

#1) Having and recovering from Brain Surgery

#2) Studying for, taking and (as of 30 minutes ago) waiting for the results of the bar exam.

#3) C-Section child birth and recovery with complications before and after.

Yeah.

It's kind of like baby #2 ....

So two days down, one to go. I've gotta do a fast post because I am pretty certain tomorrow afternoon the last thing I'll be wanting to do is talk about this experience in any way, shape for form for a while.

So the CA bar is three days. The first day first morning you get three essays that you have three hours to write. That afternoon you have a performance test where you get a fake client file and have a legal writing assignment. Day two is all multiple choice. Day three is a repeat of day one - 3 essay and a performance test.

Day 1 morning one - it took me 20 minutes to figure out what the first question was asking, the first two questions had some obscure points, but overall I had things to write about and felt like the morning was OK.

Then came the performance test in the afternoon. Holy freakin' hannah.

So because I am a spoiled brat to have had a brain tumor and have some subsequent complications (????!!!) I have been lucky enough to get special testing accommodations. That means it me and a proctor together in a hotel room. I mean a real life, two double beds, a desk and TV hotel room. And a bathroom. She just sits there and watches me. I just take the test. Not how I pictured it, but I have to say the fast bathroom access has been pretty sweet.

It especially came in handy when I thought I was going to hurl my guts out after reading the performance test for 20 minutes. I am not kidding when I say my entire body turned bright red. I had to go to the bathroom at least three times splashing water on my face.

Somehow I got an answer written, but I have to say that was a very horrible 3 hour period in my life.

Today was the multistate portion which was all multiple choice. Not easy. But not like yesterday.

So as I am anticipating my "Day 3" tomorrow which is a repeat of Tuesday's performance, it reminds me a lot of anticipating Ezrie's birth. With Levi, I had never had a baby before. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn't know HOW bad. That's what Day 1 was like. Then when I was waiting for Ezrie to come along, the vivid memories of the horribleness were WAY worse the the unknowing uncertainty of the future with baby #1. That's what it's like for me now. I know just how bad this can be. Oh goodness. But in 22 hours it will be over!!!!

As a little aside - I brought 120 pounds of luggage with me. 100 checked and 20 in a carry on. I wanted to make sure I had all of the foods I've been eating for the last 3 months, so I packed my favorite cereals, my favorite fiber muffins, my Hidden Valley Ranch fiesta mix. I'm a freak. (PS Anna - BHIP is fantastic and has the reason I am physically able to get through this exam - love it!!!) I even went so far as to go to Walmart and purchase a $6 toaster that I packed with me. Yes, I am a weirdo. But that toaster has come in handy as I have a small refrigerator but no microwave. After 5 straight days of cereal and sandwiches I am so looking forward to a good meal tomorrow night!!!

If only I had thought to bring a George Foreman so I could sizzle me up some bacon while in bed. Though I have heard that could cause injuries. (that episode was on yesterday and cracked me up!)

Ok - so now I have to go do what I have been avoiding - study for tomorrow!!! EEEKKKKK!!!!

(PS I forgot to add that on Day 1 I woke up at 4 am with the worst migraine ever, had to take pain meds, tried a hot shower on my neck, more pain meds, took ambien praying I would wake up in time for the exam and wake up with no headache, did wake up at 7 and was able to have a clear head for the exam ....... oh goodness me oh my. As hard as this is I definitely feel heavenly help)

Frumpin' It Up - LA style

In 3 days this will be all over!!

Just a little note - apparently the dress code here around the pool is bikinis, expensive ones, and anything above a size 6 is considered plus size. So it was great fun getting the courage to get in the water with my peach and brown flowered top with brown skort (oh mama mia)!! But I figured if I can face this exam tomorrow I can face a bunch of rich barbies. And the pool was gorgeous. And the hotel gym is fabulous. And the bed and linens are beautiful. If I wasn't almost peeing my pants every five minutes from anxiety attacks this would be a fun little vacation for me.

Excerpts from a phone call with the kids tonight:

Ezrie "Mommy, when you get home can you go buy some groceries?" Oh goodness.

Levi: 'What does your test look like?' me: "humm, it has lots and lots of words." Levi: "what are the words about?" Me: "oh, the constitution and crimes and stuff." Levi: (cracking up) "mommy - you said 'crying!' Is you test about crying?' Me: "maybe."

............

(can't wait until Friday which I am thinking will be up there with one of the happiest days of my life)

Ready or Not .....

Just a quick note during a study break .....

In two days I'm on a plane. A week from today this will be over (for four months, at least).

I got some perspective today as I was reflecting on this year. I remember the sleepless night and the longest. day. ever when I was waiting for The Phone Call when I found out about tumey. I remember having this picture taken last year, not knowing if I would come out of surgery with half my face paralyzed, or worse.

I remember getting my will together and signing it, along with instructions that I did not want to be left on life support if it came to that. I remember wondering, if something were to go wrong, if my sweet children at their young ages would remember how much their mother loved them. I remember hugging William and my dad goodbye as I walked into the operating room.

So in these last few days anticipating the bar exam, all I can say is that I've faced worst!!!!

I feel I've been blessed, I've done my very best and I am still praying not to see anything at all to do with civil procedure on the exam =).

It's been 10 weeks. They have NOT flown by. It has been a long, drawn out, arduous procedure. I've missed being a mom, though we have still managed to have some good times. Levi and I have bonded over Star Wars Lego. Ezrie and I have had some fun shopping trips looking at jewelry, eating lunch out and being buddies. Jaiden is really developing into a class clown and I hope to always remember the time this week where I turned the van around and took the kids to Steak and Shake instead of the errand we were running. I had at least three different people come up to tell me how much Jaiden entertained them during dinner. !!!

Levi and Ezrie have LOVED having later nights and our little slumber parties where we would dog pile in mom and dad's bad. We've done a few Six Flags trips. I loved seeing Levi and Ezrie holding hands going down the water slides together. Ezrie and Jaiden are good little buddies and Ezrie sneaks renegade toys into Jaiden when he has gone to bed. Jaiden LOVES LOVES LOVES the birthday presents dad picked out this year and pushes his little lawnmower all over the house and has to have 'doggie' even at the breakfast table.

It has been stressful, I've been frequently overwhelmed, but this is almost over. And then I get to be mom again. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the hardships that come along with the joys. But it will just be nice to get back to a normal life. (yeah, I know, 'normal.')

I'm looking forward to cleaning the house and cooking. That shows you how crappy these last 10 weeks have been. =)

Married on the Fourth of July

Thanks to Jen, we have one picture from the Fourth of July... (I've lost my camera somewhere in the house)

We did the pancake breakfast activity with William, then I took the kids to our little downtown parade, and later on that day we got together with some friends for dinner and fireworks.

Oh yeah, and William and I, in passing, said 'Happy Anniversary.' (seven years!) I crammed as much study as possible in this weekend, and the anniversary celebration is just going to have to wait. Along with Father's Day, and William's 30th birthday celebration (I am planning on throwing him a 30 and 1/2 birthday party!) Oh goodness. Me oh my. Life will not always be like this, I know.

Today was week three of being the Nursery Leader in our ward. The kids are cute and I'm going to figure out how to do this calling one way or another. I do have to admit to being a bit stunned/shocked/surprised/other about this one - totally came out of left field for me. I have never once doubted divine inspiration behind the calling. It is so funny how just when you think you can't do anything else you are asked to do something more and you find you can. So it will all be just fine. And if some days I'm running on an ibuprofen buzz - so be it!!

In the moments I've had to think it has been so very odd to reflect on what we were doing last year. The Fourth of July really stands out to me from last year. We had found out about tumey three weeks before, and the 'going through the motions underwater' feeling was very present on the Fourth. We did the pancake and parade thing, and our gorgeous hometeacher couple kindly watched the kids and we went on that night just William and I. I was still at the stage where, in my head, I had the constant thought repeating itself "I have a brain tumor." When I think of all we have been through between law year's Fourth and yesterday, and all of the blessings and miracles we have experienced, I am just so grateful. It is still just a bit much to take in.

So life as I now know it is going to completely change in 3.5 weeks!!! I so desperately need these next three weeks to do my final preparation for the exam, but I am so so so so so so so very glad that this is coming to an end (this time around). I never thought I could do this. Some days when the alarm has gone off in the early morning hours I have just wanted to stay in bed - not because of tiredness but because of fear. But every time I have thought "I want to pass this exam more than I am scared that I will fail." And I've gotten out of bed. And God has been helping me. So much. These past 7 weeks I have felt him guiding me, giving me strength and courage, telling me this is His plan for me and our family. And I know that to be true. And I think I am beginning to accept that even if the very best I have to offer is not enough this time around, that it will all work out. (but oh I hope it is enough!)

So - 17 more study days and then I'm on a plane headed for L.A. And then, as of the First of August, I get to see three sweet kids a lot more. So looking forward to that all!!

Legaleasy

This is how I know I am in a law study induced coma over here. I am just pulling some old exams off the CA bar's website and have been cracking up for five minutes because they had a misspelling. In one place they misspelled torts and it said TARTS!!!!!!!!

My. Life. Is. Pathetic.

But it's nice to get a laugh every once in a while. =)

I even dream in lawsuits ....

I have become a nerdy law recluse and have my little desk area that I hover around most of the day and into the night. I think I've put in enough hours for today - this is just a little crazy over here.

I do make my way out of the basement into the bright and shiny lights of the world to make it to the gym a few times a week - necessary stress relief. It is a bit weird to ONLY live in PJs and work out clothes. I know it shouldn't be so weird (for me), but on the rare occasion (church) I have to wear a non-sports bra, it is WEIRD.

This will be the life for the next 7.5 weeks. There will be no news from here. Nothing changes. Only studying. Hope all is well in the blogosphere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa - busy week!!

In an effort to do as many 'last things' as possible before Monday when I am eating, drinking, sleeping barbri law - we have been busy kids over here.

One day Levi and Ezrie each got to take a friend to the science center :

The last day of preschool - Levi and Ezrie with their teachers ...

After the last day of school, Ezrie invited her school friends to the park to celebrate her birthday.

We also had a little party with just our small family (and a HUGE HOMEMADE birthday cake!! ha ha!)

Emily, Teresa, Vicki and I stayed overnight in Cincinnati, met up with Britney there and got to attend Time out for Women this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were so blessed to hear from Sheri Dew, Wendy Watson Nelson (Russell Nelson's wife), Jenny Oaks Baker (Dallin Oaks daughter - an AMAZING concert violinist), Hilary Weeks, Emily Watts, Kris Belcher, Kim Nelson, and Michael Wilcox. The music was amazing - the presenters fantastic and I CANNOT believe I didn't get a picture with Sheri Dew. I love that woman. I went to get in line, then was intimidated because everyone was having her sign books they had purchased and I didn't buy anything. Oh well - the weekend's messages were fabulous. We were so blessed to be able to do this. I heard there were around 1400 women there. And 5 men.

And so, I think the last things are finished. Have a great summer and we'll see how this all goes!!

The Parable of The Dirty YMCA Locker Room Floor

We have had a bad week for a few reasons. After Levi's diagnosis the two older kids had dentist appointments. Back in the middle of January Levi had some tooth pain. I took him to a dentist which will hereinafter be referred to as a 'dentist.' The 'dentist' took x-rays, could find no problems at all with Levi and said he thought Levi had six-year-old molars growing in that would cause him pain for a while.

So over the last four months Levi has continued to complain of pain, and I continued to chalk it up to these elusive six-year-old molars that the 'dentist' told me about. Well, in my zest to get all things in order before my full-time studies start, I decided to get the kids into the dentist for a check-up. I figured it couldn't hurt Levi to go in again, and it had been about 10 months since Ezrie had seen a dentist, so there you go.

Well, they saw the dentist last week. I absolutely cannot believe how terrible and horrible this is. I'm not kidding. The tooth pain that Levi had back in January was actually caused by two cavities that have now abscessed in the point where the only possible remedy is to have both of these molars pulled. The infection is so bad that Levi has to be on antibiotics for 10 days before they can do the work. Ezrie has a couple of cavities herself. This is beyond devastating to me. I cannot believe that my poor son has been in this type of pain for this long. It makes me sick.

We have already revamped everything to do with dental hygiene and care in our household. The poor kids, I think Saturday we had them brush their teeth five different times, and that is not counting the good flossing they got and their new fluoride rinse. Apparently all of the cavities are in flossing areas. We have not been good flossers with the kids - but that is changing. This has been such a big surprise because we do have the kids brush their teeth regularly, and they have been to the dentist with no warning of impending cavities.

I vacillate between feeling a supreme amount of guilt over these dental issues and feeling rage and anger at the 'dentist' who missed this back in January when the teeth probably could have been saved. Been then I try and remember that we all make mistakes. And maybe, just maybe the 'dentist' didn't make a mistake. Maybe for some reason even though Levi was in pain the cavities weren't visible on x-ray or upon exam. Regardless of what went wrong, I just want to get these teeth fixed and never want anything like this to ever happen again. Ever.

So I was in the steam room contemplating the events of this year on Saturday. I was the only one there and I have to admit I started feeling a bit sorry for myself. (I have not mentioned that my insurance has decided they will not pay for the surgery for the hearing implant I need). Levi's diagnosis propelled me into action this week and I am in the process of getting Jaiden registered for a program they run in our state for children with developmental delays including speech delays - which he most certainly has. I was thinking about each of our children and the concerns I have for them. I was thinking about my sweet husband and the concerns I have about him. I thought about my hearing loss and how it affects me. I think I was guilty of tunnel-visioning our problems and stress in our lives right now and I lost perspective. I started to cry. I thought to myself "What more can go wrong this year?"

The steam room at our 'Y' has some sort of eucalyptus whatever that they put in with the water. I think. They add something. So as my tears mixed with this .... whatever, it started to really sting my eyes. I left the steam room and quickly went into the family locker room hoping to find something to help my eyes. Well, I couldn't really see and I was moving pretty quickly and the next thing I knew my feet slipped out from under me. Fortunately my hands and rearend manged to brake my fall. When my feet were coming out from under me I remembering having a split second to think "oh, this is going to hurt." And then complete and total impact on the linoleum floor. The palms of my hand are totally bruised, I've got a cut on one hand from it, but the real damage is to my tailbone. But I will see my wonderful chiropractor tomorrow, so that will help.

So one moment I was hurrying into the locker room, the next I was literally laying face down on the dirty locker room floor. It was one of those falls that is so painful you cannot move for quite a while. I am laying there, face down on this disgusting floor and I think to myself "Ok, this is how I know that I am in excruciating pain right now - I don't care that my mouth is on this floor."

So I suppose this really isn't a parable, but parable seemed to fit so much nicer in my blog title. The correct word would be 'moral.' The moral of this story is that never think 'what more could go wrong in my life' because you could find yourself seconds later face down on a YMCA locker room floor unable to move.

I can't help but add that as I was face down on the YMCA locker room floor, I did manage to see from the corner of my eye one of those yellow triangle signs saying "caution, slippery when wet." And despite the spasms of pain going through my body I couldn't help but figuratively see the lawsuit slipping out of my hands. Not that I would ever sue. But, you know, I had to think it.

The irony about everything to do with this story CRACKS ME UP!!!!!!

OK, Janell - No more feeling sorry for yourself!!! Forget yourself and go be a mom!! Forget yourself and go be a wife!!! Forget yourself and go study!!!!

I really am not a compulsive attention seeker, well.....

I really don't just make stuff up. For some unknown reason we happen to be having a crazy year or so for medical problems, conditions, tests and what not.

Our oldest child was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome this week. The testing began back in February and it just took a long time to get insurance approval, the necessary tests done, and then for the psychologist to put everything together in a report.

Levi is such a tender-hearted soul. He and his Dad are best of friends. He wants to do what is right and gets very upset when he thinks he has disappointed one of his parents. We daily tell Levi how proud we are of him. He is my firstborn, my big boy, my sweetheart, my son. We love him dearly. We love all of the kids dearly.

I am going back to my quiet corner now and try to figure out (for the umpteenth time) why I am trying to get ready for a bar exam right now.

Weight Loss Shmeight Loss

I am going to leave comments open on this post because I really do need your ideas!!

So as if this morning, I am 1/2 a pound from having lost 30 pounds this years. While I am super duper exceedingly exciting about this and it is so great it has taken me a month to lose 1.5 pounds!!!!

Granted, I haven't been in my super-focused I am paying attention to every morsel that goes into my mouth mode and I have been resisting my eating plan like crazy.

You see I think I am a three-month wonder. I have had a habit, over the last two years, of getting excited and focused about getting healthy, and doing really well, and then after about three months I remember just how much I really do like Wendy's chicken club sandwich. Yum.

So this past month I have been struggling with what I want to do and how I want to proceed. This morning I have pretty much decided I am way to close to where I want to get to go back to my slovenly ways. So maintenance is a big concern of mine. In the long term, what do I need to do to have the health I want, the body size I want, and still enjoy some food yumminess and naughtiness!!

I think for me exercise will be the key. Once I've lost the weight I want to, if I keep up the rigorous exercise schedule that I have I know I'll be able to have a little more wiggle room. Not that I want to be sitting around watching tv eating potato chips all the time, (welll......) but - you know what I mean!!!

So what hints/tricks/or tips do you have for a three-month wonder trying to reform herself and trying to get a life plan in order?

More Pictures

Twenty-one days and counting until my disappearing act begins in full-force, so I am trying to cram a lot of activities into a short amount of time. I want the kids and I to share many fun experiences before I am not the biggest part of their daily life for a while.

Hence ....

Pictures from a last-minute overnight getaway with the kids. Can "getaway" really be used in this context properly?? I don't know. I won't share all the details of this trip because it involves me and the proverbial lightening bolts, but I will say this was the first time for me and the kids to take a quick trip together. It was very interesting getting our stuff in and out of hotel with the kids.

My favorite favorite favorite part of the trip was on the way home, we had been on the freeway all of 2 minutes when my oldest states "I have to go to the bathroom." Of course I had made sure we'd all gone right before we'd gotten into the car. So, I say "You just went to the bathroom." "No," he replies. "A different kind of bathroom." Oh goodness. So this is not the kind of bathroom break we can cheat and use an empty water bottle for. But still, we JUST BARELY started driving home. So ..... "You are going to just have to squeeze your cheeks together and wait for a while," I say. Then I look in the rear view mirror. How can I forget how literal five-year-olds are? There he is back there, with his hands on his FACE cheeks, squeezing for dear life. That convinced mean old mom to exit ASAP and get all three kids back out of the car again. But man it sure made me have the best laugh of the day!

I also got to see my friend and ex-roomate from BYU Jessica - who I had not seen for years! It was so good to see her and catch up on lost time.

So, without further ado, here are the pictures:

Jaiden, who has not yet figured out how to crawl out of a crib or port a crib (thank heavens!!), in his corner of our hotel room....

Levi and Ezrie lounging in sofa-bed splendor. Ezrie VERY GRUMPY, coming down from a major sugar high after eating half a bag of marshmallows I had thrown from the front seat to the back seat of the van hoping to ease the madness for a short time. It was a quick fix that I paid for all night as she bounced off the walls and was just completely hyper. (Not pictured is me enjoying a king-sized bed all to myself - excellent!)

At the Children's Museum, the lego land royalty.

Digging for dinosaur bones and wearing the coolest googles ever (I can see them calling me blessed years from now for photographing them thus attired!)

And finally, Ezrie meeting Maya and Miguel. What fun!

I will be adding more pictures in the next few weeks as we do more 'stuff.'

Pictures Pictures Pictures

Our Sleeping Beauty (who is doing much much better, but still the medical mystery remains unsolved ..... but we'll take all good test results!)
Easter eggs with friends ...

Kids with Easter morning hair...

Dad and kids with Easter morning hair..... (oh the joys of picture picking power!)

The best shot we have of Easter morning church clothes ......

Our first American BBQ ....

We love spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I am about to return to the studying hole I came from and hide away in darkness and misery (!) for the next few months, I just have a few things to say.....

I just might quite possibly be in love with Susan Boyle (click here if you don't know who I am talking about). Ok, not that kind of 'in love' but you know what I mean. I love her story, I love this performance, I love a "frumpy" woman showing them what's what!! I have shed many tears watching this again and again.

As I am about to embark on this barbri love fest with law I have much gratitude in my heart. I am so very truly deeply grateful that our darkest fears turned out to be unfounded regarding Ezrie's health. I am so grateful for our three children and all the joy and happiness they bring to our lives. They crack me up daily. I am so very grateful that William, who has been in poor health this year himself, has been having some good days. I am so grateful, despite my whining and complaining and overwhelming fear of failure, for the chance I do have to take the bar exam and have the chance to see a lifelong dream realized. I am grateful for good health, for all that my body has allowed me to do the last several months. I am grateful for a nice town to live in and all the comforts of life that we enjoy. We are blessed with fantastic family and friends and valued relationships beyond measure.

We have had our trials this year (oh goodness, at the New Year I had no idea what we were headed into) but at the same time we have been overwhelmed with blessings. God's reality is manifested in every aspect of our life, and this truth cannot be denied.

And so, I think this will be my last post with comments on for a while. I promise to check in with you all and I'll write updates when I can. Take care my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!