I must preface this by saying that I really don't expect anyone to read this. It is way too long and all about me!!!! =) But I want to record the thoughts I've had lately on this subject.
So - here is a little bit of my personal history to explain the 8 year journey that has gotten me to the place I am at now.
The Background
When William and I became engaged and were trying to figure out where to start our lives together (America vs. Australia), at first it wasn't even a decision. Of course we would move to the U.S. and I would finish my law degree. But as we proceeded down that path it was wrong, wrong, wrong. And thus began a series of life decisions that to the outside world seemed illogical and irrational, but were the Right thing for Us. So we made the right decision and stayed in Australia.
And that left me a law school drop out with no working visa for several months. We moved in to a ward that did not much acknowledge my existence at the beginning (it was later split and that helped and I really did love some times in that ward). I was away from my family, in a new culture. I had friends I had only known a few months and who were single while I was now married. I didn't know how to socialized as a married person yet. Let's just say it was tough.
And then I got a crap job involving work I had done when I was 17 in high school. But it was the Right job for our family, and I supported us. And then Levi came along and I began a stay-at-home-mom. And 17 months later along came Ezrie. Two years later here was Jaiden. And when Jaiden was two months old we moved to the U.S.
We came here two and a half years ago and I was a broken soul. I had gone through a very difficult time in Australia where I allowed those dark hidden character traits we all have to show themselves on a regular basis. I had this crazy situation that I LET get way out of control and spiral into this whole metaphysical decision that I was a person without worth. One thing I know is that this will never again happen in my life. But it was something that had to happen.
And so I was broken. And I really truly deeply struggled with being a stay at home mom. In Australia I had noticed this deep void in me. I tried scheduling regular temple time. I tried a weekly community service project. I was involved in a playgroup. All of my efforts left me feeling incomplete and empty.
And then I was prompted to get back into school. (Oh so many times over the last year I have felt deep and enduring gratitude for that decision.) And I started a new phase. I became a part-time student, which meant that one day a week the kids were babysat while I studied, and when exams came I would put in extra nighttime hours. And this was the first step to coming to the point I am at now.
The Journey
Our U.S. move has been the best thing in the world for me as a mother and as a person. Of course the biggest trials of our married life have occurred while living here. But at the same time, some of the biggest blessings have also occurred.
I think I can only remember one week that William came to church with us. And that was the end of that. Nevertheless, I was IMMEDIATELY accepted into our ward. I immediately made the best of friends - thank goodness for the Mother's Room!! =) And the first weekday after William told me he didn't believe in God anymore, I made a phone call and got into see my Leslie.
Another big change happened. Levi started preschool four days a week and had to be at school at 8. I remember what a massive change this was. Sure, Jaiden was just a few months old, but I had become so unaccustomed to getting up and having to go anywhere in the morning. I would pretty much roll me and Levi out of bed, drop him off, come back and lay on the couch for three hours, then roll back off to go pick him up looking pretty much identical to what I did when I had dropped him off. And that went on for quite a while.
But in this state I began the path of self-discovery. At first I knew I was different than the ideal LDS stay at home mom, and I felt that the difference was wrong. I remember talking to Leslie a lot about what I 'should be' doing or how I 'should' feel.
But unintentionally I began to figure out what makes me happy as a mom. Routine is important to me. Having 'days' to do different things is very helpful (grocery day, cleaning day, grandma friends day, playgroup day, stay at home day).
Most importantly to my happiness as a mother, I need something that is intellectually challenging in a career type of way. If I got to pick my ideal lifestyle (which I don't think I'll be able to, and I can't even think of a job that exists with these hours and summers off!, but who knows?), while I still had small children at home I would ideally work one day a week. When all of our children are in school, I would get the kids off to school, then work from 9 - 1 pm, with summers off completely. This way I could get the kids off to school, work a few hours and still have time for necessary household work and errands.
And I have accepted that, for me, having this outlet makes me a better mom. That is my truth, and I do not apologize for it nor do I feel like it makes me a lesser-than-others mother. It is part of my make-up.
Where I am Now
My definition of what needs to occur so that I am functioning as the best mom I can be has changed, evolved, expanded. Bullet points of what needs to occur under my current definition are as follows:
- Early Mornings involving scripture study and educational study
- A clean organized house (I went from hating housework, to still hating it but liking the results, to grudgingly admitting that organization ROCKS, to enjoying cleaning!)
- Exercise
- Most meals are home-cooked and healthy
- Unstructured playtime with the kids that DOES NOT involve TV or computers, and where weather permitting does involve the outdoors
- FHE, family time, couple time and service time happen weekly
- The kids have their daily responsibilities that help them continue to learn and grow (love love love the job chart we have going on now)
- A weekly schedule is adhered to that allows for housecleaning, groceries and other shopping, project completion, helping others, and 'down time' (how sad is that that i have to schedule it!)
- Acknowledging that I get on major 'kicks' that last a couple months or so is very typical of my personality, so that when I get off this 'kick,' it will be OK - I just need to retain the basic necessary principles.
A General Recap - The last 8 years have helped me really come to appreciate the stage I am at now in the following areas:
Spiritually - My testimony has never been stronger. I attribute that to the trials we have faced and my current calling. Seminary has changed my life forever. Failing the bar exam the first time was also hugely instrumental in my coming to understand in a way I never had before the beautiful and sweet personal relationship I have with the Savior.
I could really see the personal spiritual growth I'd experienced between bar #1 and bar #2. One of the biggest reasons I was so utterly devastated by my failing results was that it meant the kids would be full-time babysat another 2.5 months. And it was so hard. Jaiden and I had grown particularly close, and some mornings he would cry as I dropped him off. And my heart would break. I would be telling myself as I left him at the babysitter "I really am doing this for these kids, so I know their future is secure." But it stunk.
However, those early morning before I would go down for a day of bar testing in attempt #2, I had time to reflect. I saw how much more I believe in everything - in my Savior, in the Book of Mormon, in my Heavenly Father, than I did even six months previously. And the second day of testing I prayed "thank you Heavenly Father that I failed the first time." And I meant it. Even though the kids did have to go to the sitter for several weeks longer than they would not have had to if I had passed the first time, in exchange they got a mother who can testify to them with more surety and conviction of the reality of the heavenly love for them. I'd say that's a pretty good trade, and very much worth it.
Socially - I have such a great ward! Such good friends and so many families who have adopted me in that I just have to say 'bless them all!'
Emotionally - I have made the best of best of friends here who support me daily (sometimes all day long!) I feel like they are roommate who happen to live with their husbands =). I have had Leslie to help me sort myself out. The last couple of weeks have certainly had some ups and downs emotionally - but overall I am so well supported it seems unfair - but I love it!
Physically - this is a huge part of how I have gotten to 'the Golden Age.' Again, I can look back to how I felt after the first bar exam, and the difference is dramatic. Back in August I was still suffering from horrible headaches and fatigue. And there was the depression that I have recently identified. So I'd had kids close together, then had several small children, then got tumor sick, then had Tumey removed and had the resulting health issues. Then did bar study on top of those problems. Yikes. I know exercising, eating better and losing weight has also tremendously helped. So between having children who are growing older, taking way better care of my health through diet and nutrition, and having the time post surgery naturally pass to where I don't have some of those health issues - I currently feel better than I have in seven years - when I fell pregnant with Levi. And I am so grateful.
Mentally - I am at such a good space right now. Failing the bar exam the first time really was such a good thing for me. Having the daily courage to face studying the first time - with so many obstacles in my path - has given me the self-confidence to know that I can face hard things. And then failing stunk. Really bad. But having gone through the process the second time was so good for me in several ways. After my first attempt, I felt like I didn't deserve to pass but sure was hoping for a miracle! If I had passed on the first try, I think I still would have had some self-doubt about my ability to perform competently in the law profession. After this second try, however, I feel like I have learned the skills I need to succeed as a lawyer. I know I have so much to learn in a practical manner that is is ridiculous. But I will learn, I can learn. And if in a few weeks I have unsatisfactory results - I feel very confident that I have learned how to study for the CA bar in an organized and meaningful way that works for me and I WILL eventually pass. After my first attempt I just wasn't sure if I could ever do it.
The whole bar exam process has been so beneficial for me and has spilled over into so many facets of my life. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have had these experiences.
The Golden Age
So this brings me to where I am at now, that I am calling 'the Golden Age!' I know, I know that it cannot last. And it's not like the last three weeks have been perfect, because we still have significant trials and stress in our lives. But the first week post-bar this time was one of the best in my life. Having the health to be the kind of mom I want to be and knowing what kind of mom I want to be is something I can never take for granted.
Perspective is something I think I will always treasure. You do have to go through the bad and hard and difficult so that when you have these times of happiness and content you can see the difference and appreciate it. And I do appreciate it. The last couple of days the kids have spent lots of time outdoors. I have found so much joy in seeing them happily using sidewalk chalk - and realizing that I have not felt up to supervising them in the front yard close to the street ... ever. I look forward to a spring and summer where we can do lots of active outdoor activities that I have not had the health or energy to do thus far in my children's lives!
(A big component that I recognize frequently in the joy I am currently experience as a mom is the fact that Levi and Ezrie are growing older and it makes SUCH a big difference to have two children who appreciate the dangers of cars and streets and other things that Jaiden cannot at his age. And they don't physically need me to take them into a bathroom stall every time we are out - they things make a pretty big difference.)
It is a bit scary to post something like this, because it's just tempting fate for the ax to drop!!! But like I said, it's not like we haven't had our trials and hard times the last few weeks too - life is not perfect. But I am finding joy everyday in small things, and maybe that is as perfect as life can get.
