I am upset.
I came home after getting all the kids ready, dropping off Ezrie and then going to the Y to find William had called in sick and was sleeping. He stays up all night and had planned on sleeping from 6 am - 8 am. But Jaiden woke up early for some reason, so William had to take care of Jaiden (Jaiden watched the portable DVD player in bed by William while Will slept) while I taught seminary.
We have our lives structured so that William has almost the minimum amount of responsibilities that a person who is in a graduate program and who has three children can have. He works just a few hours a week. He's on the slow track to complete his program, and ended up dropping some practical hours so that now he's another year behind.
Most of the time, I can handle our situation. But sometimes, like this morning, I snap. It is very difficult not to feel like there is a tremendous disparity between what William and I contribute to our family's needs. It probably is accurate to say that productivity wise, I do contribute more.
But even though I am upset right now, I recognize that efforts and results must be quantified differently. Right now, William's maximum effort may not be what I want, but if he really is doing his best and putting forth his maximum effort, what more can I ask? And it's not fair to expect more than he is able to give. Logically, I know this. But in practice, it is so difficult for me to know what William's best effort is. It's so hard to know when to 'push' him and when to let him be. How do I ever learn that?
I feel horrible. I got angry and made some rude comments. This is after William had but forth extra effort last night. He sat down and ate dinner with me and the kids and I can't think of the last time that happened. He loaded the dinner dishes for me - which likewise hasn't happened in months. He helped me put the kids to bed. And then I give him such a hard time today.
I am ordering a book today called Deliverance From Depression. I had gone to monthly visits with my therapist, but I think I'm going to call and get in sooner.
I am going to leave comments on to solicit advice. I want to be a loving, patient, compassionate, supportive spouse who also helps her severely depressed husband become more engaged in the family and uplifts him instead of kicks him while he's down. If you know of any book or other material that would be helpful in this regard, or can think of some words of wisdom, they would be greatly appreciated.
I don't want to enable destructive behaviors, and at the same time I don't want to push William to his breaking point - which he has been dangerously close to on many occasions.
13 comments:
Hi Janell, I have just been catching up on your blog! The only thing I want to say is to not be so hard on yourself. You have a lot to deal with and you are doing the best you can too! You and your family are in my prayers
Elder Boyd K. Packer, said: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior” (Ensign, Nov. 1986, 17).
Sorry guys - I had comment moderation on because i was sick of adverts showing up on old posts - it was a pain to get them off. I'll have moderation off for a little while - thanks so much!!
Deliverance from Depression is an EXCELLENT book! My mom gave each of us a copy, and I learned so much. Depression runs in my Grandma Hansen's side of the family, and we know how much it affects EVERYONE involved.
I am amazed at your strength and endurance. I would be very frustrated in your shoes. I can empathize with you, for I think life is always a balancing act when it comes to those we love. Granted, there are different degrees with each person, but nevertheless, we all need the Spirit's guidance in our human relationships.
I don't have much advice to give, sorry. But please know that I pray for you and your sweet little family everyday. And I put your family on the temple prayer list last week. We love you, Janell!!!!
I just have to say how much I admire you and all you do. And also that it's okay to lose it once in awhile. I hope the book helps. I've never lived with anyone that was depressed before, only as the one who was depressed, so I don't have any great words of advice, other than learn all you can and pray for guidance as you have been, and don't be too hard on yourself when you do lose it.
(and your kids in their Sunday clothes look adorable.)
Hey Janell! I was on lds.org today and listened to this little message. It reminded me of your post. I hope you find comfort in it.
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&vgnextoid=bd163ca6e9aa3210VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&channelId=bd163ca6e9aa3210VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&sourceId=4b986fb9634a5210VgnVCM100000176f620a____
we love and miss you!
ryan and brittany cook
I have no advice.. but want to tell you how awesome you are! I couldnt even think of doing all the things you do. I have been a seminary teacher and that alone is HARD ENOUGH!!!
You inspire me and I admire you alot. thanks for opening comments! I was thinking of you while you were doing your exams.. and I read your blog everytime you update!
Janell, it is a hard thing to live with someone who is depressed, who cannot contribute as much as you would like. It is hard to understand, even though you can theoretically, how they can be in a place where they can't do anything. My husband has suffered from depression for years now, though not as bad as Williams, it has been a hard road, one I thought I could not live with at times. I have found it hard to take that at times I have had to do everything, often for long periods of time, while he has stayed up late, slept in, been destructive, physically, spiritually, financially and mentally. Not knowing if he would get up for work. Not being able to trust that he would be alright with the kids even if he was doing a better. The thing that I found hard and perhaps really hurt me was that I felt like I had to ALWAYS be okay, and sometimes I wasn't. But he wasn't able to be there for me.
I suppose the thing I have realised is that they are not in a place where they can even really think about anyone else. That is sad to me, sad for my hopes and dreams for my family life. I don't understand why it has to be so much harder than I could have ever imagined, but I do know that I have made it this far with Heavenly Father's help, and that He has helped me to become strong, though I don't always feel it, I have made it through so far. And I have hope for the future. Things are better right now than they have probably ever been. They are improving, but it was a long time with no improvement, and I didn't think it could get worse and it did.
You are such an amazing person Janell, so strong and able, and seeking to be guided by the spirit. My mom is the most faithful person I have ever known. She has had many trials, but through it she has developed a relationship with Heavenly Father that is incredible, and it is because of what she has been through. Heavenly Father loves you so much and is with you, and has faith in you. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing such a great job, and you can't be perfect.
I was reading the November conference edition of the Ensign tonight and came across Pres. Eyring's Sunday morning talk on charity (p. 70). The part about praying for our spouses really touched me and I thought I'd pass that along.
I just have to say - thank you so much! I really appreciate the talks and thoughts mentioned. Anon 8:44 - so so so sorry you have to live with this too, but thank you for sharing your insights. I appreciate your heartfelt responses so very much.
Janell, I have been continuing to stalk whilst you have been going through all these struggles. My husband has some similar issues, and I have gone through many of the same struggles that you have while trying to make it through my education. It sounds trite, but the one thing that changed my perspective was to catalog all the things that I love about my husband EVERY TIME I notice them. ...and I know sometimes those things are scarce when depression is at its worst, but if you have them in the back of your mind and make a mental note when the good moments pop up, you can draw upon those thoughts when behaviors start to suck again. It's not easy when you want to throttle the son-of-a-gun, but it DOES soothe things somewhat and makes the good times so much more valuable.
I'll continue to stalk so I can find out if you passed the Bar. Good luck!
Thank you so very much to all of you that have contacted me one way or another - can't tell you how much your thoughts and support mean. So sad to close comments, but I (like most of you) get really annoying adverts on my older posts that take time to find and delete and they TICK me off!!! So, closing down comments again - but much love from me to you!
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