I really like everyone to think that I have it all together. And sometimes, for the most part, I do. But sometimes I really really don't.
I am going through a "sometimes I really really don't" right now. On one hand, my household and life as a stay-at-home mother have never been more organized and running more smoothly. I've got a fabulous system going for food inventory, grocery lists, recipes and meals. In the last 5 weeks, I've junked out and organized every room, closet, bookshelf, desk, and drawer that we own.
But on the other hand, the emotional magnitude of decisions my family has to face are overwhelming. Do we stay here another year, or do we move this summer? Which means can William complete his Master's or not? What kind of gainful employment can we expect him to be able to keep? Are we EVER going to be in a stable enough position to grow the family? Those of you who have been in situations where you KNOW there is someone missing from the family understand that pain.
I distinctly remember a moment when I was in law school, single, at BYU. I was in my room studying, and I had this overwhelming loneliness and longing to be with people I hadn't met yet in this lifetime - my children. For a very long time now I have felt the absence of another soul that really should be part of our family. It is heartbreaking.
William, bless his soul, gives me all the support he can. Last night he helped tidy up and vacuum for me, despite how horrible he was feeling, and that meant a lot.
I see the signs I have now identified as going down a path I don't want to be on: wanting to sit on the couch and not get up, being overwhelmed by the idea of getting lunch together for the kids, not wanting to get out of bed, wanting the kids to go away and leave me alone (wait - that can happen on a good day too!) an ever-present 'emptiness.'
So folks - I'm giving this two more weeks and if I can't dig myself out of this I am going to be right back into the doctor asking for more anti-depressants. In my crazy mind, I have felt like between me and William, maybe one of us shouldn't have to rely on medication to survive. But it's possible that I may need all the help I can get.
