I was laying in bed with a thousand thoughts going through my head, and thought I may as well get up and write them down so I can be at peace and go to sleep.
I get bar results in one week, three days, 13 minutes. (I love how California gives out the results - so you know down to the minute when you can expect to find out, AND how results aren't made public until two days later. It's nice.)
There have been so many tender mercies along my path. I remember how hard it was for me to understand how I had failed by a small margin. How I could understand being carried so far with God's help just to fail.
But knowing I had come close made a huge difference in round of studies #2. It gave me a lot of confidence that I did not have the first time, and was a big blessing.
It sounds like something someone would say just to make themselves feel better, but it really is the honest truth that I am grateful I failed the first time. I've seen how much my faith in God has grown and have seen so many manifestations of His love for me and His hand in my life and in this journey particularly.
When I was studying the second time, I found a confidence in my abilities to be an attorney that I had never had before. I am very grateful for that new-found confidence.
When round #2 of studies came around, I was now a seminary teacher, which certainly added to my juggling act. I remember talking to my seminary class one day before bar #2 about how it didn't add up. I told them when I thought about the responsibilities I had, as far as taking care of William and the kids and running the household, teaching seminary, and full-time bar study - that it just shouldn't work out. It didn't really seem like I had time for everything I was doing. But it did work out, and I did find time.
The Lord truly blessed me to be able to do all of the things that He wanted me to. Yes, I have had to work hard. And that, too, is a blessing. But I was constantly strengthened beyond my own means.
I remember a turning point in round #2. I was suffering from drowsiness that was a side effect of a medication I was taking. I was early on in my studies - maybe the first or second week, and I just had no idea how it was going to happen. Every time I sat down to study I fell asleep. I was freaking out. And then two dear leaders gave me a Priesthood blessing. And it was remarkable. The day following the blessing I was able to think clearly and have the energy I needed to study. Drowsiness was no longer a problem.
Something that played a really big part in my feeling better prepared the second time was how I studied old bar exams. I look back and am so amazed at how my study method developed. I didn't know what I was going to do with the exams once I printed them off, but I printed off 800 pages of essay questions and sample answers. And I started organizing them. And a method for studying them that was very unique just kind of came to me. And it was amazingly helpful - for me.
But despite all of this, as the day draws nearer (May 14 at 9m eastern time!) I am really starting to freak out. The first time I took the bar, I could look back and see how I had been carried through the experience (and I failed!). I don't think all of these examples of heavenly help by any means indicate that I am guaranteed a 'pass.' I don't know what my results are going to be.
But I do know that whether I get good news or bad news, it will be alright.
I failed once and life has gone on and we have survived and our children are happy and doing fine. And I have the peace that comes with experience. I know that I will never have to face round #1 again. That was one of the biggest components of failing the first time - thinking I'd have to relive the 10 worst weeks of my life.
I know this post was long a few paragraphs ago, but I just have to write down one more idea.
I think my first round of bar study and the resulting failure will forever be etched in my mind as a defining experience. Just like when I told my seminary kids the second time that things just shouldn't add up to me being able to do what I was doing, I look back to the first round and KNOW I was being carried well beyond my human capacity.
I think about the months leading up to bar study - recovering from my brain surgery (literally having to train my brain to be able to focus and study as it healed), going through the emotions of facing the possibility of a very serious diagnosis for Ezrie, dealing with Levi's diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, dealing with a huge secret in our lives that not many people were aware of - how serious William's depression was/is, and then facing my massive fears and inadequacies with law. I studied full-time for 10 weeks, half of which the kids were babysat six days a week. I was still getting migraines regularly. I was studying 12 - 16 hours a day, and then getting groceries, doing laundry, cleaning (well - not much cleaning happened!), paying bills, gassing the cars up - everything! And then I was called to be Nursery Leader. I look back on those weeks and know that even though I was stressed to the maximum degree, I was being helped in countless ways.
I look back on those weeks and cannot believe I got through it. I can chalk it up to being another miracle in my life. This is a defining experience in my life because I know that with God's help I can accomplish tasks that seem impossible. I know that our family survived those ten weeks of misery because God was supporting us and carrying us through them.
And then finding out I failed is a defining experience because I faced the bar again. Knowing just how horrible and difficult and stressful it could be - I signed up for the bar exam again. Not knowing it was going to be easier the second time. And if I find out that I failed again, I will take it again. And again. I will do this as many times as necessary, unless I feel like God's plans for me have changed. But in the meantime, I feel like I have been given so many green flags with law and I know this is my path.
I just don't know if I'll be taking the CA bar again this summer!
And so I am anxiously awaiting May 14. It will be really interesting to see how the next couple of weeks pan out.
