A dear friend of mine and I share a similar trait we are trying to work on overcoming - not feeling our feelings.
I try really hard to push mine down and to stay so busy that I don't have to much time to dwell on the negative ones.
While I was waiting to have Tumey removed, this was a coping mechanism that I consciously employed. I kept my mind so busy and had so many things to organize, then at night time I took a sleeping pill. That is how I got through 3 months of waiting. I remember being unable to cry.
I only had two small breakdowns during those 3 months. One was when speaking with a friend and talking about if the worst were to happen, hoping my kids would never doubt the love that I had for them. The other was the day before my surgery, when I was driving over to a friend's home to get my last will and testament and my living will (no life support, etc) witnessed. I had to bring the living will with me to the hospital on the day of Tumey's eviction. Talk about a reality check - which is why I waited until the very last day possible. As I started to cry a bit, I just told myself 'keep it together, keep it together.' And I did.
I am learning that sometimes keeping it all together should not be the primary objective. Sometimes letting myself feel my emotions is important and necessary. Acknowledging what I am feeling is the first step in dealing with emotional crud (yes, that is the proper term).
I am having a day where I am feeling my emotions (read: bawling my eyes out!). Emotions I have felt today: guilt, anger, disappointment, sadness, mournfulness, loss, burdened, fear, panic, being depleted, impatience -- but also comfort and love. I am sure that what I am about to say could be said by everyone: My life is hard.
I also know that once I get a good night's sleep (and I really do know this for sure) I will wake up viewing the world a little differently - in a good way. Sometimes I need a good wallow to be able to see the sunshine again.
Here's to a bright tomorrow!
