Though I have not been officially released, I am not teaching seminary at the moment. I also am not working while Jaiden is in preschool. After talking to my doctor these two changes needed to be made while I try and get through this critical time. And I can see a big improvement in my physical health and this pregnancy this week. Yay!
So I've had a lot more time to do things I haven't done in a while. I've watched a lot of movies. I've read a lot. I've slept a lot a lot a lot. I've watched TV more. Most of the TV and movies I have seen have been disappointing - with some exceptions. It has made me realize that I really haven't been missing out on too much.
I have had more time to think. With moving from Australia to the US, William and I have two definite eras in our marriage - 'the Australian years' and 'the U.S. years.' It is so weird, because without a doubt, the biggest trials we have faced as a married couple have occurred in the U.S. The weird part is that even despite these trials, I have been so much happier in the U.S. than I was in Australia.
Those five years were hard. When I met William, I was three semesters away from finishing law school. In a matter of months, I had left family, country and the only home I'd known to start out a marriage. And I have never once even for a moment doubted the 'rightness' of the decisions we made to marry and stay in Australia. But suddenly I found myself in a new culture and with very little left of how I had identified myself. I was a drop out. When i finally had a visa to work, I found a job to support us, but that did not challenge me or was exciting in any way.
And then we started our family - and each child has been such a blessing! Levi and Ezrie being born 17 months apart was difficult - I think that was the hardest time for me. Two little ones so dependent on me all day long.
I have thought recently about getting back in touch with several friends that are really fantastic people that I met during 'the Australian years,' but I am embarrassed. It really is very similar to how I feel about people who only knew me when I was in high school. It is embarrassing to me to think that they knew me during a period of time when I didn't really know myself and did and said lots of dumb stuff. (Hey - I still do!)
I feel like a completely different person than I was three years ago. It has not been the move, so much, as two things that have made a huge difference in my life 1) reconnecting with my educational pursuits and 2) the kids are growing up. Education came first - and I just cannot deny what a massive change it has made for me.
I've said it before, and it is still true - being a stay at home mom does not come easy for me. I am not made to fit into the mold of what I think defines the perfect LDS mother. But once I started part-time studying, it's like all the pieces started coming together to make the picture of who I am as a mother.
I know that studying is not the answer for everyone - it probably isn't the answer for most people. But I do believe most of us having something. That one component - and once you identify it and start developing it - whatever 'it' may be, it changes everything.
And the kids are growing up. They are at almost the perfect stage for me right now. They are more independent, and yet still want mom. They fight but are still so sweet! I love their personalities and getting to know them as they learn and grow.
So when I look back to the Australian Janell, I just want to give her a hug and tell her 'don't get me wrong - you are in for some hard times. But life is about to change for you. You don't need to change into something you are not- you do need to change your idea of what being a good mother means. You have all the skills to be exactly what your family needs. Most importantly, your Heavenly Father sees divine latent talents and abilities within you and will help you discover them. He loves you and knows what you need to become the wife and mother that will hold your family together. Do NOT give up. Trust me on this one.'
After writing this post, I feel a lot more compassion for the Australian Janell than I had before. I feel less embarrassed of her and more understanding of the circumstances in which she found herself. Isn't it nice when we can just giver ourselves a break?
