Decisions Decisions

Bar Exam Studying Session #3 has been difficult. Washington's exam is so much more straight forward than California's. The problem has not been the material but rather many extenuating circumstances that have prevented me from studying. Circumstances like being prego nauseauted, multiple family illnesses, school closures, having to rerereorganize child care. The end result is that I feel less prepared for this exam than I did for California's the first time I took it (and failed).

As I have looked back on my bar exam failure, so many times I have thought "what was I thinking!" I started studying for the bar less than 8 months after tumey was removed. The headaches I was still experiencing were monumental. It kind of cracks me up, kind of makes me sad to think back to packing all that medication to take with me for bar #1. In addition to my physical health, William's was so poor. He was barely existing, let alone supporting me in my studies. The combination of still recoverying from surgery plus the weight of caring for all of the family needs in addition to the overwhelming nature of studying for the bar is indescribable.

I do have to mention one major positive about this time around: William. William has been FANTASTIC about helping with the dishes, the kids and their needs including their homework, and just looking out for me. I am constantly amazed at the difference in him from two years ago. He still has hard days, but I have never studied like this with so much help at home - and that is so great! It makes me happy for all of us - the kids, myself and especially for William.

Here is a convulted sentence for you that makes senses to me!: So - as I reflect on my reflections of 'what was I thinking?' thinking I would be able to study for and pass the CA bar on my first try under those circumstances - I have to be realistic here. The reality is that I have had limited time to study. The reality is that I am not prepared for this exam. But I can't just take this next time it is offered, because we will have a newborn baby then. And I have to pass this exam at some point. At the very least going and taking it will be good experience. ????????? Am I going to retrospectively say about this bar exam "what was I thinking?"

Every now and then when the weight of all of this seems heavy I ask myself 'why am I doing this?' The answer is simple: for my family. I know how much comfort it brings William to know that one day I can help financially conribute to our family's needs. While William is doing so much better right now, I feel like there is no gaurantee that he will continue to do so. I want our children to understand how important it is to face your fears and do things that are hard. Most importantly, I know that this is God's path for me.

I guess when I write it out like that - giving up now is not an option. I have to admit there is part of me that would rather just not go and take the exam then fail another bar. Two thoughts have been going through my head today as I have been trying to face reality: 1) "It is better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all" and 2) I have to be in the right place at the right time for God to make a miracle occur.

I do believe in miracles and have seen many in my life. It is the truth that the only way I can pass this exam is by divine intervention.

I am a very impatient reader - I get so engrossed and life stops all around me that usually when I am really into a new book I have to read the ending first so I can calmly enjoy the book knowing how everything is going to turn out - lame, I know! Ridiculous, I know!

But oh how I would love to sneak a copy of the story of my life and see how it all turns out. I would love to know how I get involved in a legal career and what city we end up living in and just all the rest. For now, all I know is that this weekend I am getting on a plane. When I return home a few days later I CANNOT wait to not think about commercial paper or secured transactions or administrative law or professional responsibility for a good long while.