Right now the big picture is cloudy. Just a few weeks ago I was certain that whatever the outcome of this exam, it was Heavenly Father's will for me.
I honestly don't know if I believe that. Is it really His will that I go through this again? Did I really not get all the lessons down pat from my first big failure? These exams, with all the travel expenses, registration and babysitting fees that are involved are monumentally expensive for our student budget. This is a failing exam that we will literally be paying for for quite a while. And for what benefit?
The hardest part right now for me is the fact that I knew I was not prepared. I was diligently praying and sought spiritual inspiration from every avenue available to me to know if I should go and take an exam I knew I had not been able to adequately prepare for. It would have been much less painful (and expensive) if I had just felt at peace about sitting this one out. The only answer that I can come up with right now is that I was not listening properly.
I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that many experiences in our lives are the subject of divine orchestration. But not every event.
At this point, 12 hours after hearing the word 'fail,' I find it difficult to believe that it is God's plan that this occur. I find it more likely that I took an exam I was not prepared for and received the result I deserved.
This is not the utter devastation I went through with my first failure. But, it is more difficult than I was anticipating. This too shall pass, blah blah blah. When I tell the story of how I became an employable attorney, what is going to be the grand tally of how many bar exams it took to get me there? Maybe the story is going to be why I decided this was just not worth it.
A pregnant hormonal failure is not someone who can come up with positive blog posts!
