I Get By With a Lot of Help From My Friends

Sadness

2011-10-30T11:54:00.002-04:00

I am so very sorry for my neglect of the blog. Things are pretty busy around here.

Jaxon is four months old and absolutely adorable. Jaiden, Ezrie and Levi just finished up fall season soccer which meant the last two months have been madness. Ezrie is showing ADHD characteristics when it comes to school work, so we are getting her evaluated and we are spending a lot of time trying to help her. I just registered to take the WA bar this February - and just cannot wait for that happiness ..... =) I am still working two days a week which has been a fabulous fit our our family. William is doing his practical experience and working on his dissertation and the end of our student years is in sight.

A year from now, William will be applying for his internship which will (hopefully) start in the fall of 2013.

As we are both looking at professional careers starting in the next while, we have discussed the fact that we don't won't clients reading all about our lives and our past on this blog. Since I haven't changed any of our names, it's actually pretty easy to google us, even with just the first names. So - I have to decide if I am going to go private or just take the blog off completely - which is what I am leaning towards.

Blogging was a lifeline to me during some hugely challenging times. It was hugely entertaining/rewarding/fulfilling/exciting/supporting/heart-warming, and the list goes on. But as life has gotten busier and busier, and I have less and less time to write here. So we'll see what we decide to do.

I have missed blogging and will continue to miss it - and all the great friendships and love and support. I actually keep my 'to be paid bills' in a box that was part of 'The Love Train,' which is something I will never forget. If I come up with something anonymous, or decide to go private, I'll let you know.

A Handbook Would Be Nice ....

2011-07-17T16:54:00.002-04:00

We don't need a handbook - not for Jaxon. Right now, we don't have big questions about what he needs. Keep him fed, dry, burp him and love him and he is pretty content. (I am actually quite a baby hog - I know this is the last one and I am getting all the newborn cuddles in that I can - sorry local friends, I will try and share!)

A handbook entitled "What to Tell and Teach Your Children when Your Previously Christian Husband is now an Atheist" would be very helpful right now. Similarly, a book entitled "How a Marriage Thrives when the Couple Has Fundamentally Changed" would likewise be helpful.

As Levi's eighth birthday and subsequent baptism has gotten closer, William has been struggling to define what his belief system has become. He has identified his current beliefs and why he feels that way and over this past week every night he has been sharing them with me.

The children are also getting older and have questions about where their Dad is on Sunday. Up until now, I could be vague or tell them to direct their questions to their dad - I did not feel like it was my right or responsibility to face those questions. But now that William has a clear idea about what he does believe and how that is going to affect his life (and our lives) the picture has once again changed.

It could not be avoided any longer, and after another questions I answered honestly "no, your Dad does not believe in God." The next question was "Is Dad going to hell? (spelled out - not said!)" No, your father is not going to hell. And so a brief conversation ensued about Daddy being a good person, etc.

This conversation came up because Levi had asked last week if William could be a church member and come to church with us. He asked it again yesterday, and the above-conversation ensued. After the nitty-gritty was discussed, I belatedly asked Levi why he wanted his Dad to be a church member. He said, "because he has the monkey game on his phone and I want him to come to church with us so that I can show Jordan the game."

!!!!

Oh what we could have avoided if only I'd asked the right question first.

I am just at a bit of a loss here. What and how in the world do we teach our children when we believe such completely different core beliefs? How are our children going to know what to hold on to as they receive mixed messages?

I know William feels horrible that he has gone through this process after we were married and after we had agreed on how our children were going to be raised. I know the process he has gone through has nothing to do with me. I have empathy for the pain he has gone through and goes through as he knows what his change in beliefs means to me.

And I know how I feel about the whole thing. Which is very crappy. My religious beliefs are the essence and core of who I am.

Yeah, a handbook on how to handle this all would be helpful right now.

Going home!!

2011-07-10T09:36:00.002-04:00

We are being discharged! Wahoooooo!!! Jaxon just needs a regular antibiotic that we can give him at home. His bilirubin levels are excellent. He's eating much better and awake more often - phewww. We'll worry about his upcoming dye exam when we get to that point - in approximately 10 days. For right now, I am going to revel in the independence of taking care of our baby in our home. What a sweet little guy!!!

Different Hospital - Same Baby

2011-07-08T23:55:00.003-04:00

Jax and I find ourselves in the local children's hospital. We've been here the last day and a half. His bilirubin level, combined with a couple of risk factors, meant that he was admitted and they started aggressive treatment to bring his bilirubin down. I get to stay with him and take care of him while he is being treated. Definitely an unforgettable phone conversation with the doctor when she called to tell me to take him straight to the hospital.

Fortunately, Jax's bilirubin level came down quickly. But they found he has a UTI, and a subsequent ultrasound shows an enlarged kidney. One of the possibilities is that he has a refulx condition that would necessitate surgery. I am not totally positive what the other possibilities are. Tomorrow we'll talk to the doctors and find out what they think is going on. What I am hoping for is news that we can just take him home. I want my little guy back where he belongs.

Baby Baby Baby

2011-07-01T20:06:00.003-04:00

I am going to try and get some pictures on here soon. Our little Jax has the whole family enthralled and endeared with his arrival - except Jaiden. I have not seen any jealousy yet at all, but Jaiden seems very cautious around Jaxon. He's worried he'll do something that will make him cry. I have seen Jaiden be very protective - he has gotten upset with both William and I over perceived ways that we upset Jaxon: "you made the baby cry" (said with a scowly expression)! So there haven't been any of the anticipated negative reactions from our until 8 days ago youngest child (yet), but he hasn't exactly jumped on the Jaxon bandwagon either. Ezrie, as anticipated, is wanting to be VERY involved in EVERY aspect of newborn care. It has been fun to share a new baby with our daughter. Levi is surprisingly excited about his new little brother and wants to participate as well - he is very sweet and cute about wanting to know how his little baby brother is doing today.

Thanks to my sister Angela's last-minute flight out to stay with us, William and I had lots and lots of uninterrupted baby bonding time in the hospital - it was a very sweet and memorable time with our little Jaxon.

For me, I am absolutely amazed at how much I had forgotten. I had forgotten how much time it takes to take care of a newborn. I had forgotten how little hands and feet and ears could be so very precious. I had forgotten how quickly the bonds of love form between parent and child. I had forgotten the post-bath baby smell. In the throes of the challenging end to a very difficult pregnancy, I had forgotten what the whole thing had been about in the first place. It is so good to have our family together.

In love

2011-06-24T14:04:00.002-04:00

We are in love with our little man. Jaxon Tate (who will have nicknames of Jax and JT) was born yesterday at 10:12 a.m. He is 19 inches long, and weighed 6 pound 13 ounces. Many dramas surrounded his birthday, but he is here, he and I are doing very well, and life is great.

Hearing his first cry in the operating room brought tears to William's eyes as well as my own. What a very happy conclusion to an incredibly stressful pregnancy.

There have been so many differences between the Australian births of our other children and little Jax's yesterday. For now I will just say I am much more alert and am in much less pain (so far) than I was with the other kids. Levi, Ezrie, and Jaiden were all born at 38 weeks and weighed 8 pounds 2 ounces, 8 pounds 2 ounces and 8 pounds 1 ounces respectively. Our new little man beat out his siblings by one week, being born at just over 37 weeks, but is the runt of the family at this stage. It appears that he takes after the Levi/Ezrie/William side of the family. Jaiden is our only child with my genes.

One disappointment from yesterday is that there was so much scar tissue from my previous three c-sections that my doctor could not perform the tubal ligation - but we'll work something else out.

I am so so so so so so so so happy to have our little man here with us and that we are both doing well. It seems amazing; we are truly blessed.

baby coming

2011-06-22T22:14:00.002-04:00

Complications have meant that baby is coming in less than 12 hours ..... we"ll see how it goes to have our first (and only) baby in the U.S.

aye aye aye

2011-06-10T19:25:00.003-04:00

My usual end of pregnancy problems have really gone into overdrive the last couple of weeks. I've been put on bedrest until the end of the pregnancy, which I am trying to interpret with three kids all home from school for the summer! At the very latest, this baby is coming on July 6, which is when we have the c-section booked for at the moment. However, at my appointment this week, my doctor did not think we'd get that far.

Who knows????

Between the miscarriage we had in the fall, that weirdo mono thing, and this difficult pregnancy, I have vague memories of a healthier, more active lifestyle. But without a doubt it is all worth it.

Confusing

2011-05-09T21:13:00.003-04:00

So I guess in the past, Washington State did not release your failing score. That is not the case any longer. Today I was surprised to get my exam responses with my scores in the mail.

I needed 126 point to pass the part I failed. If I had scored between a 122 - 125, I could appeal, and choose several answers to be re-read in the hopes of bumping up my overall score to a pass. I scored 121 points.

There is no way to be happy or content about failing. I can only predict how I would have felt, but if today I had found out that I had failed by a larger margin, I think I would have still been upset, but could have said, "yeah, I knew I wasn't prepared." That's pretty much the conclusion I have come to over the last few days.

But today, I find these points very difficult to deal with. Funny how I thought my first day was so much better than my second day - I scored exactly the same amount of points both days!

Truthfully, for this exam, an hour of study of the right law would have made the difference between failing and passing the exam. There was one question in particular on my second day which covered basic landlord/tenant principles. That very morning I had specifically opted not to review landlord/tenant law, and instead studied law that was not on the exam. I lost at least three points for that decision.

Any one of a number of things could have been different, but they weren't. And the result is that I have to go through this horrible process again, with a baby or toddler. Heartbreaking and overwhelming.

And William finally told me yesterday (Happy Mother's Day to me) that him participating in our baby's blessing or Levi's baptism at the end of the year is not going to happen. Not that I had high hopes in this regard, but I had a faint hope he would feel something that would change his mind. But no.

All in all, this week has been ... hard.

I know that being in the seventh month of a pregnancy that has been difficult and emotional from the first few weeks does not make dealing with all of this any easier.

2013 here I come ......

2011-05-05T14:34:00.003-04:00

I think the wallowing has come to an end. The words 'failure' and 'loser' are not continually going through my conscious mind, so that is a step in the right direction.

Washington releases failed exams differently than CA - aren't I so very lucky that I know that? =) With California, you automatically get a copy of the written portion of your exam, and your overall score, with your officially mailed results. With Washington, I have to request my exam and my understanding is that I won't ever find out my score. Which is just irritating. I did pass day three, which was on ethics, so that part I won't have to retake, providing I retake the substantive part and pass within two years. I small consolation. Happier is that having passed the ethics portion reduces my registration fees for next time by half.

So, I just have to have this exam hanging over me for quite some time. The exam is administered in July and February of each year. I clearly won't be taking the July exam with a newborn baby. I also don't think I'll take the Feb 2012 exam, because our little guy will only be five months when I have to start studying for that exam - and that is just too young. I don't want to take a July exam, because that means four kids missing out on a summer with mom - and I'm not going to do that. So, most likely I'll be taking the Feb 2013 Washington Exam. Which is right when William will be finishing up his coursework and dissertation.

I am not excited that this process has to keep going on and on and on for so long. But - what can I do?

In the meantime, I started a new, perfect for me, job this week that has helped me focus on something else. I am working two days a week at a law firm with some very spectacular people. William also has a new part-time job that he's able to do three days a week while continuing his studies. In the matter of two weeks our financially situation has completely changed, and that is very happy.

continued

2011-05-02T23:19:00.003-04:00

Right now the big picture is cloudy. Just a few weeks ago I was certain that whatever the outcome of this exam, it was Heavenly Father's will for me.

I honestly don't know if I believe that. Is it really His will that I go through this again? Did I really not get all the lessons down pat from my first big failure? These exams, with all the travel expenses, registration and babysitting fees that are involved are monumentally expensive for our student budget. This is a failing exam that we will literally be paying for for quite a while. And for what benefit?

The hardest part right now for me is the fact that I knew I was not prepared. I was diligently praying and sought spiritual inspiration from every avenue available to me to know if I should go and take an exam I knew I had not been able to adequately prepare for. It would have been much less painful (and expensive) if I had just felt at peace about sitting this one out. The only answer that I can come up with right now is that I was not listening properly.

I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that many experiences in our lives are the subject of divine orchestration. But not every event.

At this point, 12 hours after hearing the word 'fail,' I find it difficult to believe that it is God's plan that this occur. I find it more likely that I took an exam I was not prepared for and received the result I deserved.

This is not the utter devastation I went through with my first failure. But, it is more difficult than I was anticipating. This too shall pass, blah blah blah. When I tell the story of how I became an employable attorney, what is going to be the grand tally of how many bar exams it took to get me there? Maybe the story is going to be why I decided this was just not worth it.

A pregnant hormonal failure is not someone who can come up with positive blog posts!

Nothing Ventured ....

2011-05-02T17:15:00.002-04:00

Another bar failure for me.

I have to say that I feel like one big fat failure.

I knew I was not prepared for this exam, but took a risk that did not pay off. I was so very much hoping to find an end to the studying and licensing madness. But, what was I thinking? I do not feel like I am a person who gets handed things. I have to work and work and work some more before they happen for me. Apparently, I've got a whole lot more work to do before I can even begin to have all this work pay off.

Knowing I've got to go through all the studying and taking another bar exam is .... disheartening. Knowing that I'll have another child, a younger more dependent child, to look after while taking my FOURTH bar exam is ... discouraging.

Right now I really feel like saying 'forget this!' It seems too hard. It seems like I am not capable of finishing this journey. It seems like I am not enough.

I am sure that not too far in the future I will regain some optimism. But for tonight, at least, I am going to let myself revel in my failure and everything it makes me feel about myself.

(note: Though I used 'I' 20 times in this post, I really do recognize this entire law adventure really is about what our family needs, and not just about me. I guess we joy in the successes as a family, but failures seem so individualized.)

Ultrasound ....

2011-03-06T20:34:00.003-05:00

We are having a ... boy! So we will have three boys and a girl.

In typical Janell-fashion, within minutes of finding out we were having another boy, I had the next few years of brainwashing planned out. I have determined to ingrain in the boys the concepts that: 1) as adults, they will call their mother at least once a week 2) they will marry women that I adore 3) they will bring grandchildren to visit me frequently. I'd like to throw in that 4) they will marry and live on the same continent as William and I, but figure that is a bit hypocritical. As far as Ezrie goes - I can tell there is no reason to reinforce any of the above - she is already showing signs that she knows her innate role. But I might let this little guy have a break from these lessons until he is born and gets a tooth or two.

Also good news - William is fantastic. After two years of learning to live with his illness and the very different person he had become, we are going through a very similar period of readjustment - this time in a very positive way.

William has been so supportive, helpful, engaged, amazing. He has been able to do things with the kids that I have never been able to do. He has them in great routines, taking care of their own messes, their own clothes, helping with housework, in better bedtime routines. He's been doing the dishes and laundry. He spends time with us as a family - even coming to help us clean the church yesterday. Both of us are very cautious about placing expectations on him that he might not be able to live up to - but enjoying this dramatic turn around.

I am so happy to see him happier! I feel like he has turned a very sharp corner and is rediscovering his talents and abilities. We all know what it is like to go through a period of self re-discovery after we have gone through changes and have to get to know ourselves again. As William flourishes in his practical work at school and his successes as a father and husband, I can see him going through that process and it is joyful.

We are extremely blessed.

Yay, It's Over!

2011-02-24T18:12:00.002-05:00

Today was great! Glad the whole thing is over. One of my first coherent thoughts getting back to my hotel room was now I want to start thinking about baby names =). We put off the ultrasound until this exam was over - we are having it on Monday and I so hope baby cooperates!

More than anything, I know that the outcome of this exam is what is in Heavenly Father's plan for me. So I am just not going to worry about it for the next couple of months.

I cannot wait to get back to my cute family and spend time with them! Thanks many times over for all the love, support, and prayers - it has all been so appreciated and felt.

Day Two ... hummmm

2011-02-23T21:29:00.003-05:00

I was so pumped after yesterday that I got up super early and ... studied a bunch of stuff that I didn't need when I should have been studying things that could have helped me.

It wasn't super fantastic today, but it's over.

I have written 18 forty-five minute essays over the last two days. Three of them were painful.

After lunch, when I knew I just had three more essays left for today, I decided that I am over this whole taking the bar thing. Nevertheless, I finished the last three questions and am brain dead.

The really hard part of the Washington bar is now over. Tomorrow is two hours and 15 minutes of ethical questions. Just one subject, that I know is coming that I can review tomorrow morning when I get up early. I will be done at 10:15 a.m.

If I was a drinking woman, I would totally be planning on a diet-coke about 10:30. Instead I might just wheel myself back over to Taco time for lunch. If they're lucky.

Day One - Not Bad

2011-02-22T21:50:00.003-05:00

Today went fine. I SO was blessed with fantastic questions regarding topics I had studied. There is so much Washington law that I am just not very familiar with. In anticipation of tomorrow, I am praying for the continuing miracle that is my bar #3 thus far.

I was so happy to be alert and not nauseated during the 7 exam hours. I hope the strength remains.

This exam is very different than California's. Because the entire thing is essay, I feel like I have to be cramming every second. California has 6 essay questions, Washington has 18 long essays and 6 shorter essays. I am done with NINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have had may prayers of gratitude for the guidance in the (limited) studying I have been able to do and much much gratitude in my heart for the many prayers on my behalf. You just have no idea how much I am being carried right now.

That is my update. I SO hope tomorrow goes like today. We'll see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If the Whole Law Thing Doesn't Work Out, I can Always be a Bag Lady

2011-02-20T20:41:00.002-05:00

Usually I travel with a backpack, but decided on a little roller bag carry-on for this trip (being pregnant and all). Yesterday when I got to my hotel, there was just enough daylight left for me to go and get my groceries for the next few days (yay for microfridges!).

So when I started out on my (supposedly) easy walk to the (again supposedly) nearby grocery store, I didn't have a backpack to bring my groceries back in.

I've carried groceries in my trusty backpack in Australia, in Peru, in California. But it wasn't here for me in Washington.

What I did have was carry-on luggage on wheels.

As I walked my pregnant body up and down the hills around the Seattle suburbs, searching for the Safeway, I was pulling that bag behind me.

Better yet was after I had purchased my groceries and loaded up the luggage. Everything didn't quite fit in, so I had a grocery sack attached to the handle, and I began my return walk back to the hotel.

I couldn't help but think how much I looked liked and felt like a bag lady. Walking with my possessions down the street.

And then I heard some groceries fall out of the bag. I turned around, and said "get back in there bread!" Being appalled at how ludicrous and crazy I must have looked and sounded, I began laughing hysterically. Surely nobody thought a thing about a pregnant crazy lady talking to her bread, laughing like mad and pulling a suitcase around.

And then I saw a Taco Time (oh how I love you Taco Time). I just wheeled myself in and got a burrito. And ate it there. The whole thing just really made my day because of its ridiculousness.

Decisions Decisions

2011-02-17T12:46:00.002-05:00

Bar Exam Studying Session #3 has been difficult. Washington's exam is so much more straight forward than California's. The problem has not been the material but rather many extenuating circumstances that have prevented me from studying. Circumstances like being prego nauseauted, multiple family illnesses, school closures, having to rerereorganize child care. The end result is that I feel less prepared for this exam than I did for California's the first time I took it (and failed).

As I have looked back on my bar exam failure, so many times I have thought "what was I thinking!" I started studying for the bar less than 8 months after tumey was removed. The headaches I was still experiencing were monumental. It kind of cracks me up, kind of makes me sad to think back to packing all that medication to take with me for bar #1. In addition to my physical health, William's was so poor. He was barely existing, let alone supporting me in my studies. The combination of still recoverying from surgery plus the weight of caring for all of the family needs in addition to the overwhelming nature of studying for the bar is indescribable.

I do have to mention one major positive about this time around: William. William has been FANTASTIC about helping with the dishes, the kids and their needs including their homework, and just looking out for me. I am constantly amazed at the difference in him from two years ago. He still has hard days, but I have never studied like this with so much help at home - and that is so great! It makes me happy for all of us - the kids, myself and especially for William.

Here is a convulted sentence for you that makes senses to me!: So - as I reflect on my reflections of 'what was I thinking?' thinking I would be able to study for and pass the CA bar on my first try under those circumstances - I have to be realistic here. The reality is that I have had limited time to study. The reality is that I am not prepared for this exam. But I can't just take this next time it is offered, because we will have a newborn baby then. And I have to pass this exam at some point. At the very least going and taking it will be good experience. ????????? Am I going to retrospectively say about this bar exam "what was I thinking?"

Every now and then when the weight of all of this seems heavy I ask myself 'why am I doing this?' The answer is simple: for my family. I know how much comfort it brings William to know that one day I can help financially conribute to our family's needs. While William is doing so much better right now, I feel like there is no gaurantee that he will continue to do so. I want our children to understand how important it is to face your fears and do things that are hard. Most importantly, I know that this is God's path for me.

I guess when I write it out like that - giving up now is not an option. I have to admit there is part of me that would rather just not go and take the exam then fail another bar. Two thoughts have been going through my head today as I have been trying to face reality: 1) "It is better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all" and 2) I have to be in the right place at the right time for God to make a miracle occur.

I do believe in miracles and have seen many in my life. It is the truth that the only way I can pass this exam is by divine intervention.

I am a very impatient reader - I get so engrossed and life stops all around me that usually when I am really into a new book I have to read the ending first so I can calmly enjoy the book knowing how everything is going to turn out - lame, I know! Ridiculous, I know!

But oh how I would love to sneak a copy of the story of my life and see how it all turns out. I would love to know how I get involved in a legal career and what city we end up living in and just all the rest. For now, all I know is that this weekend I am getting on a plane. When I return home a few days later I CANNOT wait to not think about commercial paper or secured transactions or administrative law or professional responsibility for a good long while.

Further Proof That Males Just Don't Know How to Quit When Ahead

2011-02-07T16:18:00.005-05:00

As a family, we've had the flu for two weeks. I took a tumble down the stairs Saturday and have been moving around bruised but not broken. Today was the first day I had a clear head to study in many many days, then the pregnancy sickness came. As I see the snow coming down I am just praying to make it through the next two weeks with limited school delays and closures. Can I just get a break with this round of bar study?

Feeling nauseated and ill I was laying on the couch waiting for the kids to get off the bus. Levi (7 yrs old) comes in (knowing I'd had a fall and have been feeling crummy) and says "How's is my beautiful mom feeling?" Can I just say that it melted my heart! And then ....

"Mom, I know you are really ugly, but you are still my beautiful mom because it's the inside that matters."

Oh my - warm fuzzy feeling going away!

And then, as I grab my phone to text, he says "don't text what I just said to your friends." Of course I was and I still did! Good thing he's not aware of the blog.

All in all, it still put a huge smile on my face and gave me a good laugh!

Here's to having a 7 yr old, 5 yr old, 3 yr old, being pregnant, having multiple kids home sick, being sick, having many school days cancelled due to weather, falling hard on your rear and wobbling like an old lady - and TRYING to studying for the bar! I leave in 12 days - oh goodness me on my. This one is going to be interesting.

Everybody gets a Sick Day

2011-01-24T21:33:00.002-05:00

I just hope this is my last sick day during bar study! I don't know if it is baby or virus, or a combo of the two, but not much has gotten done today.

I did finish my small outline for (what I endearingly refer to it as) the dumbest law subject of all time - Commercial Paper aka Negotiable Instruments. I am so glad that Tax Law is not on the CA bar or the WA bar, because I think that one could give Commercial Paper a run for its money.

Each bar study run has been so different. The first time around it was INTENSE. The second time around it was easier, and kind of enjoyable (I still get weirded out by that - but it's the truth).

This time around - it is ... different. Pregnancy has hugely impacted my energy levels and mental capacity. I am so glad that Washington is easier to study for than California. But that doesn't make it easy. Each time I've adjusted to this kind of full-time exam preparation lifestyle, I've had to get into a routine.

And this time it took me a couple of weeks to understand that being prego was going to significantly alter my ideal study routine. But we are getting there and in 26 days I am getting on another plane (providing my OB allows the travel). PS - thanks to couponing I got a free flight to Seattle! Gotta love the deals.

Speaking of finances ... I am feeling very blessed and lighthearted. I think I am always going to remember 2010 as the year I became financially mature. William found out his job was being cut out of the school's program, and that was tough. He didn't work a lot of hours, but his income bridged the gap for us. And then the really big news came. Because of his health, he'd dropped behind enough in credit hours one semester that we did not qualify for student loans for four months - and when we finally did qualify again, his summer tuition had to come out of funds we use to pay our bills. So while what little income we did have disappeared, financial obligations we had increased. The twisting and turning of the screws!

For the last 9 months, we have daily felt the burden of 'what in the heck are we going to do?' When I think about how I started learning about coupons and how that whole process happened, it truly was heaven sent. It seems amazing to me that we've squeaked by - but each month we were able to take care of our obligations one way or another. God truly has intervened in our behalf. At Christmastime I constantly saw the incongruity between two facts: 1) 2010 had been our toughest financial year yet and 2) our children had their best Christmas ever! God is great.

We have considered - and are still considering - the possibility of selling our home and renting for the next two years. But at the moment it looks like we have it figured out, and all I can do is take a deep breath.

I really don't think I'll ever forget getting my haircut last Saturday. It was the best haircut ever! It was my first haircut in nine months. And William gets to get his cavity filled finally this week. I am just reveling in the comfort of knowing that for the next little while, we can take care of our needs.

We aren't going to go crazy though. The kids are stuck getting haircuts from me - yikes! I see how a whole new way of living and of life has been opened up to me - and I don't know that it could have happened except through the difficulties we've faced. Funny how things work out like that. I am going to take these financial lessons we've learned to heart. Once again, lessons I'm grateful for but from a period of time I don't want to repeat.

It's Like Remembering High School ...

2010-12-01T09:33:00.002-05:00

Though I have not been officially released, I am not teaching seminary at the moment. I also am not working while Jaiden is in preschool. After talking to my doctor these two changes needed to be made while I try and get through this critical time. And I can see a big improvement in my physical health and this pregnancy this week. Yay!

So I've had a lot more time to do things I haven't done in a while. I've watched a lot of movies. I've read a lot. I've slept a lot a lot a lot. I've watched TV more. Most of the TV and movies I have seen have been disappointing - with some exceptions. It has made me realize that I really haven't been missing out on too much.

I have had more time to think. With moving from Australia to the US, William and I have two definite eras in our marriage - 'the Australian years' and 'the U.S. years.' It is so weird, because without a doubt, the biggest trials we have faced as a married couple have occurred in the U.S. The weird part is that even despite these trials, I have been so much happier in the U.S. than I was in Australia.

Those five years were hard. When I met William, I was three semesters away from finishing law school. In a matter of months, I had left family, country and the only home I'd known to start out a marriage. And I have never once even for a moment doubted the 'rightness' of the decisions we made to marry and stay in Australia. But suddenly I found myself in a new culture and with very little left of how I had identified myself. I was a drop out. When i finally had a visa to work, I found a job to support us, but that did not challenge me or was exciting in any way.

And then we started our family - and each child has been such a blessing! Levi and Ezrie being born 17 months apart was difficult - I think that was the hardest time for me. Two little ones so dependent on me all day long.

I have thought recently about getting back in touch with several friends that are really fantastic people that I met during 'the Australian years,' but I am embarrassed. It really is very similar to how I feel about people who only knew me when I was in high school. It is embarrassing to me to think that they knew me during a period of time when I didn't really know myself and did and said lots of dumb stuff. (Hey - I still do!)

I feel like a completely different person than I was three years ago. It has not been the move, so much, as two things that have made a huge difference in my life 1) reconnecting with my educational pursuits and 2) the kids are growing up. Education came first - and I just cannot deny what a massive change it has made for me.

I've said it before, and it is still true - being a stay at home mom does not come easy for me. I am not made to fit into the mold of what I think defines the perfect LDS mother. But once I started part-time studying, it's like all the pieces started coming together to make the picture of who I am as a mother.

I know that studying is not the answer for everyone - it probably isn't the answer for most people. But I do believe most of us having something. That one component - and once you identify it and start developing it - whatever 'it' may be, it changes everything.

And the kids are growing up. They are at almost the perfect stage for me right now. They are more independent, and yet still want mom. They fight but are still so sweet! I love their personalities and getting to know them as they learn and grow.

So when I look back to the Australian Janell, I just want to give her a hug and tell her 'don't get me wrong - you are in for some hard times. But life is about to change for you. You don't need to change into something you are not- you do need to change your idea of what being a good mother means. You have all the skills to be exactly what your family needs. Most importantly, your Heavenly Father sees divine latent talents and abilities within you and will help you discover them. He loves you and knows what you need to become the wife and mother that will hold your family together. Do NOT give up. Trust me on this one.'

After writing this post, I feel a lot more compassion for the Australian Janell than I had before. I feel less embarrassed of her and more understanding of the circumstances in which she found herself. Isn't it nice when we can just giver ourselves a break?

Reflections and Gratitude

2010-11-26T21:06:00.002-05:00

I am so so so grateful for my wonderful family - my blood ties, my chosen family, my ward family.

My children have brought me endless comfort (when they aren't irritating!) - gotta love those little guys. I love that they'll give me hugs, cuddles and kisses whenever I ask.

Poor Levi. A few weeks ago, during the mono time, he started to get fed up. He voiced his frustration several times "I'm tired of you having the sleeping sickness!" And now, here I am, again unable to do all the things for the kids that I'd like to do.

But we've had another hugely massive blessing - William truly is feeling better. As always, his health comes and goes, but yesterday, on Thanksgiving Day of 2010, as a family we spent 8 continuous hours together. Eight. 8. Eight. I can tell you it has been years since that has happened, and it was one of the best Thanksgivings I've ever had.

This has been a very different pregnancy. I continue to have complications that create worry. I have never had problems like this in a pregnancy that has continued to full-term, so maybe that explains why I feel so attached to this baby already. I feel fierce love and a desire to protect.

We'll have to see how the next few weeks go. If things are still the same, we will not be traveling to stay with family for Christmas. Somehow the kids are going to have to deal with that, if that is what we have to do. We'll have to look into all the possible options.

It is surreal to look back to last year at this time. I had just found out I failed the CA bar. It was a hard Thanksgiving for so many reasons. This year, we are in a much better place as a family. But we are missing one very important family member (each one is important). I so hope that a year from now we are celebrating Thanksgiving with our full and complete family. Whatever happens, I do know that there is a divine plan that is unfolding. This Plan will happen, whether we are ready or not, whether we like it or not, whether we admit it or not: God is in charge.

I am grateful for a loving, all-knowing Heavenly Father.

ha ha hee hee

2010-11-15T21:08:00.002-05:00

Ezrie has really been cracking me up lately. We've talked quite a bit about praying and listening for answers. She uses it against me. She just came out and said that Jesus told her in her head that the button that fell off a blanket should be sewed back on. She said, "I just kept hearing it in my head, 'sew,' 'sew,' sew.'"

She got confused during church a while back and thought the last speaker was the prayer. She was kneeling down coloring and whispered up to me, 'this is one really long prayer.' I said, "sweetie, this isn't a prayer, this is the last talk.' She looked around at the congregation from her vantage point and said 'then how come I see so many people with their eyes shut?' (can you say high council anyone? j/k!) Oh my, that girl cracks me up.

So I am surprisingly pregnant again. Compared to mono, pregnancy rocks! =) I am definitely showing and am trying to figure out when this baby is due - it's all a bit of a mystery. I am SO happy about this. The kids are so very cute and excited! I am praying that all goes well for their sakes - for all of our sakes. The two miscarriages I have had both happened extremely early on - so hopefully all will be well.

Levi wants us to name the baby Harry Potter. Ezrie wants us to name the baby Ashley. Jaiden has no idea what's coming and how is position in the family is going to change. William is coping very well with this news and getting more and more excited. I am still kind of in disbelief.

So that is our news.

Crazy Crazy!!

2010-10-09T07:57:00.002-04:00

Oh goodness me oh my.

I think that the last few weeks are going to go down in Janell History as far as ups and downs of emotions.

Did you know that babies are really every where when you really really want to have one? I didn't know that until recently. During those few sweet days when I thought I would be bringing another one into our family, I had all my pregnancy tests lined up on my bathroom counter. Every time I saw all those 'positives' I was so joyful! Those were beautiful days of joy.

And the following days were hard - can still be hard. But, we have been blessed with full lives and many responsibilities and many reasons to keep getting out of bed in the morning.

But it has been harder and harder to get out of bed! One day I told the seminary class that I just could not believe that last year I woke up every day at 4 a.m. - I told them I this year I am having the hardest time waking up. That night I found out why. I found out I have mono. How hilarious! I've even had it before as a teenager (you know, when you are supposed to have it - not as an old married lady). It is very rare to have it twice - but I'm lucky! =) I've had to take several day off of seminary, but I finally feel like I am moving forward healthwise. I cannot wait to get back to the Y.

Jaiden started preschool and has undergone several different screenings as a result. The school was worried about his speech and hearing. He has a hearing test scheduled for next week. As a precaution, I began the process of having him go through the testing process at the same facility we had Levi tested last year. He had a speech evaluation this week. After the evaluation, the speech therapist told me that based on her observations during the evaluation, and based on her wide experience with children Jaiden's age, she highly recommended I have him undergo the occupational therapy evaluation and psychological evaluation he would need to see if places somewhere on the autism spectrum.

I really, really do not think that Jaiden has Asperberger's Syndrome. I have never had the concerns with him that I had with Levi. But nevertheless, that was not an easy day. We are in the process of setting up the other appointments Jaiden will need and it will take some time for that process to be completed. I absolutely want to know what the facts are as far as how my children are developing, so that we can do anything and everything possible to help them along in those regards. And nobody wants their child to have special challenges because you know that those challenges will make things harder for them. But - as my dad quotes frequently, we play the cards we are dealt.

I have had the chance to spend several hours a week in a law office and am trying to piece together what it means to practice law as an attorney. This has been a tremendously valuable experience for me and I have been learning so much.

In two weeks I have to have my application in to the Washington State Bar to take the February exam. Yuck. But necessary.

So this has been a time of ups and downs, of blessings and trials - just normal life!

Oh yeah, that blog ...

2010-09-12T18:40:00.002-04:00

It seems harder and harder to get on these days to write a post.

Life is full.

The summer was very interesting. One of these days I will give the full account. For now, I will say that it was a time of thinking and growing.

William is (I hesitantly type) doing a bit better. Levi and Ezrie both go to school all day now. Jaiden just started preschool four mornings a week. I am hanging out at a law office while he is in school soaking it all in and trying to figure out what it means to practice law as an attorney. Seminary has so much potential this year if I can get my act together - working on it.

We recently lost a pregnancy. Is there an easy way to say that? We had some roller coaster days where we had the major shock of finding out we were expecting, followed by doctor's visits and lab work and tests that were confusing. They were crazy days - yes everything is fine, no it's not OK, yes - everything is fine, and finally - no.

I have miscarried once before, but the circumstances were different in that we found out about that pregnancy because of the miscarriage. This time, I had a few days of intense and extreme joy, happiness, gratitude. I made the phone calls of shock and excitement. With our three children, once we got back the positive at home pregnancy tests that was it - we were making plans. And so I quickly had the next few months of my life planned out (as I like to do). And I liked the plans. But - it was not meant to be.

It just takes one of these experiences to realize you really really don't want to be in the position ever again where you have to go back and tell people that your happy news is no longer happy.

My heart aches even more for my sweet friends who go through these struggles year after year. I know how difficult this experience has been for me, even having three children to comfort me. I pray for those going through one of the most difficult ongoing trials I can imagine.

I do not know all things, but the Lord knoweth all things to come.

It Was the Best of Times . . .

2010-08-07T23:04:00.006-04:00

I cannot believe there are only 8 weekdays of summer left. School starts so soon!

One day I was making jokes about starting a paper chain to count down the days until school starts again, and the next day I am facing the reality that in a few days I will have no children home full-time. Granted, this is our choice. Ezrie will start all day Kindergarden, Levi will be in First grade and we choose to have the kids go to preschool. Jaiden will be in preschool four morning a week. The kids are growing up.

It is so bitter sweet. As I snuggled with my little ones tonight I had the thought "oh please stay exactly how you are" followed immediately by the recognition that progression is what this life is all about. We are all meant to grow. They are meant to grow. And that means grow up.

We have had a great summer! There have been fun days and special times. There have been hard days and hard times. But I was thinking tonight about how much time I have had to be with the kids and learn more about their personalities. I have learned more about how I can help them. I have thought a lot about all the things I need to do more of and do better. And bit by bit we will do better.

Today I took the kids last minute to the zoo. I got on the website and saw that they have twilight hours until 8 pm. When we got to the zoo at 4:40 pm, I found out the splash park was open until 5:30. So we RACED over and the kids had a ball. When it closed, we went to the playground and had our sack dinners. Then we started meandering our way through the zoo. It was the perfect temperature and we had a fabulous time. They have a new seal exhibit, and as the zoo was quieting down, we got to sit and watch the seals swim around all by ourselves. It was absolutely beautiful.

And we continued on. I noticed we became all alone in the zoo! How fabulous to walk around with the kids, with a cool breeze blowing and to feel like we were in our own private park. An employee came up to me and ask me if we knew the way out. "yes, what time is it?" He said, "it's 6:25." So I replied, "okay, we'll make our way out in an hour and a half." I quickly discovered that twilight hours had ended the week before and the zoo had actually closed 25 minutes earlier. Whoops! So the kids and I made our way out of our own private zoo expedition =). The kids thought it was hilarious - though Levi was a little worried they were going to lock us in with the animals! It's one of those moments that even as it is happening, you know you are always going to remember. Watching the seals swim with my kids nearby was a unique and precious moment to me.

There have been lots of precious moments this summer. I hope to cram more in during the next few days. I am good at cramming. Here's hoping you all are enjoying these last days of no schedules and a relaxed lifestyle.

Summer Fun

2010-07-14T15:36:00.003-04:00

We are having a good summer! The kids being around each other all the time all day long every day of the week has definitely caused lots of in-fighting between them all - but we are trying to stay busy. We are spending a LOT of time swimming at the Y. All three kids are in swimming lessons 45 minutes a day four days a week for the month of July. The lessons are fabulous! Levi's instructor only has one other boy in class with Levi, so he has really progressed a lot - as all of the kids. This week I started getting the pool about an hour before the lessons so they can play in the family pool before hand. Physical activity definitely seems to help ease some of the tendency to argue, hit, etc.

We are still getting a routine figured out. This really is my first summer with the kids in so many ways - so I'm trying to figure out how to do it. There are so many great things in our area for kids - some days it is just so HOT! Sunday, after being out of swimming lessons for three days straight, I was looking forward to the week starting again. Sunday seemed like a difficult day, and at the end of it, I told myself - "it could be worse, I could be studying for the CA bar again!" Man oh man I am so very grateful not to be going through that this summer.

At our family reunion in June I got sworn in as a real life attorney! It was great to have all my family around for that. We are at so many crossroads right now in life and trying to figure out what the next step is. Many possibilities ahead - so that is good.

We have had some really crazy financial things happen this summer - but we have it all figured out and have been just fine. It has been amazing to see (again) the hand of the Lord in our lives as he has taken care of us. We are living another miracle in our family's history right now - and I feel so grateful!

I cannot believe the amazing deals I've been able to get with coupons. I am currently in love with Riteaid. It's OK, William knows all about it. It isn't open 24 hours, so I haven't had to try and explain any late night escapes from the house =).

In the last two weeks at Rite - after buying some coupons on ebay for my first deal, I was able to make the following transactions:

1) I got $230 of shampoo, conditioner, laundry soap, toothpaste, dental floss, contact solution, and several over the counter pharmacy items. I had to pay $40.49 out of pocket, but next week I am receiving a rebate check in the amount of $41.00, so I will actually have received all of those items for free plus made $.51.

2) With a combination of Riteaid in-store incentives plus an awesome rebate opportunity, I got $60 of skincare (sun screen, body wash and some neutrogena stuff). I paid $42.47 out of pocket. I will receive a rebate of $39.99. And I have a gift card from Riteaid, in the amount of $30, on it's way to me! So I basically paid $2.48 for the items plus got the $30 to use. I can guarantee I am going to maximize the crap out of that $30! =)

I am stockpiling a serious amount of household items and groceries as I have been learning how to get some really good deals through coupons and in-store incentives. I seriously had absolutely no idea that this type of shopping was possible. I had seen little news clips about people that did this sort of thing, but thought it took way more time and energy than it actually does. Between my subscription site I love and blogs dedicated to finding the deals for me, now that I know what I am doing this is not taking large quantities of time. It's a great new hobby, one I intend to continue until we are student-loan free!!!!!

In other FABULOUS news, I think I can safely say that Jaiden is potty-trained! William trained Levi, I trained Ezrie, and Jaiden has fortunately done most of the work himself - very amazing!

Ok, so housework is calling. I have been putting it off today, but now must get cracking!

No More Stores For a While!

2010-06-15T13:54:00.004-04:00

I've been wanting to see how the different stores use their incentives, so today I've been to Walgreens, Target and Kroger (and the dollar store and Meijer - getting ready to leave on vacation tomorrow!)

At Target, Walgreens and Kroger, I got these items

For a grand total of $12.36. Full price for all of these items is $68. I got a bunch of stuff for free.

Yesterday at Rite-Aid, after I used a couple of coupons and did a rebate, I actually ended up MAKING $5 on a purchase.

So - now that I know how this works a bit better, and have spent my budget allotment for these types of items for a while, I am taking a break. And going to visit family!

Yay and yay!

Loving Shopping!

2010-06-14T13:42:00.002-04:00

Here's today's report:

The link from Krazy Lady's coupons for dove products did work, I was able to stack the two manufacturer's coupons together. You can print off two coupons per computer. (The sale is buy one deodorant for $3.49, get a body spray for free - with the coupons it is all free). So today I waltzed into Target, grabbed $14 of dove products, went to the checkout and in about 30 seconds I was asked to pay only the sales tax - $.49.

Then on to Rite-Aid I went. I got $22 worth of vitamins for $6.31.

I paid $4 for: 2 12oz gillette body washes, 3 Ivory bar soaps, crest toothpaste, Schick hydro razors and Gillette fusion razors. Full price for these items together would have been $32.45.

Uh, I don't think coming up with the money for my Grocery Game subscription and newspapers is going to be a problem!

The GREAT thing is that I needed to buy all of these items. Some friends will remember my shopping trip to Walmart a few nights ago where after a HUGELY ANNOYING wait in line, I - for the first time ever - abandoned my cart and walked away from the store.

It was annoying then, but I am laughing now - because what were some of the things in my cart? Walmart's generic brand vitamins that I would have paid double what I did today, razors, deodorant and toothpaste.

So, this new system is going to help our budget out a lot. I cannot tell you how happy I am that, for the time being, I get to be a penny-pinching, coupon-clipping stay at home mom. This season will not last forever, but I am going to take care of my family the best I know how no matter our circumstances.

Deals for Reals

2010-06-13T07:57:00.005-04:00

Ok - I have to say that my idea of couponing was that you spend a lot of time cutting one out and going into the store to get $.25 off an item that I could probably get much cheaper than the coupon price in Walmart's generic brand.

The last few days I've been doing quite a bit of reading and research and have been hugely surprised, shocked, amazed, at what has been out here for years without me knowing anything about this. Granted, I have been in no position the last couple of years to really figure this out. But now that I am, I am going to share this with you.

Two MUST SEE websites: The Krazy Coupon Lady - a free site and The Grocery Game - paid subscription site. The Grocery Game is a national site and is in all 50 states. You put your zip code in and it tells you the 'lists' they carry. For my area they have Kroger, Meijer, Walgreens, Rite-Aid and Walmart. The Krazy Coupon Lady has some national ads (target, for example).

Last week I signed up for three subscriptions to our Sunday paper. Sites I have read recommend 4 - 6 subscriptions. Maybe I'll see the value in that later on, but for now I'm going to start out with three. Our newspaper has a promo on right now - if you call up and give them the code: M-9F, you can get the Sunday paper for $4.30/month. The person I spoke with, because he had never done multiple subscriptions before, wasn't sure if I'll get this deal on all three, or just my first subscription, so we'll see.

The I googled couponing and my area. I found a local message board site that talked about The Grocery Game. There are some areas, like in Utah, where there are free sites that put together most of the info you pay for through The Grocery Game. But as near as I have been able to find out, that doesn't exist for my area.

One of my personal mantras is that I want to get the maximum results for the minimum effort! I value speed, time saved, efficiency. I value the time that I have as a mother. For those reasons, I am happy to pay for The Grocery Game because I am paying them to do work that I don't have the time or resources to do. Right now I am signed up for the four week FREE trial. Once that is over, it costs $10 for the first store list you get, $5 for each additional list - for eight weeks of the list. I am pretty sure I am going to get Kroger, Meijer, and either Rite-Aid or Walgreens. Or I might just pay for Kroger and Meijer, if Krazy Coupon lady is good enough for my local Rite-Aid or Walgreens.

So the costs I'll have per month: approximately $13 for newspapers, between $7 - 10 for the coupon data service, so at the maximum $22 a month. I am adding these costs into my grocery/household budgets. If I save more than $5.50 a week, it is worth it.

Last week I had NO CLUE what I was doing, i still am figuring this out, and I easily saved $45 off the regular price. As I get better at this, savings will grow. We'll have more food storage, more items on hand that we need when we need them, and we'll eliminate a lot of those running to the store for one item that turns into a $25 shopping trip!

Ok, so how the Grocery Game works: you can access each store list for which you have a subscription. The lists pair up weeks sales items with manufactures coupons and in-store coupons to get the best deal possible. There are six columns: the first lists the regular price, the second is the sales price, the third is where you can find the manufacturer's coupon (either online, or it will give you the date of the Sunday paper and the insert it is found in) the fourth lists if there is an in-store coupon or extra sale, the next is the final price you pay, and the last is the percent you've saved. The Grocery Game is color-coded. They tell you, based on their research, if this is a rock-bottom price that you should stock up on while you can, or if this is just an OK deal that you should buy only if you need the item.

For example: this week Kroger had Dan-o-nino 6 pack yogurt (regular price $2.29) on sale for 2 for $4. However, a lot of these stores give you the sale price even if you just purchase one item. You don't need to buy two, you just needed to buy one and you got it for $2. Then another column told me where to find a manufacturer's coupon for $1.50 off. I was able to get a hold of two of the manufacturer's coupons (from now on I'll have three from my Sunday papers), so I was able to buy 2 six-pack yogurts for $.50 each - and got MAJOR 'we love mom' points from my kids.

From the Krazy Koupon lady, I found out about a great deal. I LOVE dove deodorant - it's the only one I'll use. Target has a sale this week: the deodorant is on sale for $3.49, plus when you buy it, you get a free 3 oz body mist. Krazy Lady had a link to an on-line manufacturer's coupon for $2 off dove deodorant, and another manufacturer's for $1.50 off, and a target online coupon for $1 off dove. I'm not sure if Target is going to let me stack the manufacturer's coupons on top of each other, but if they do, I printed off two each, so i'll get two deodorant and two body sprays for free. If they won't let me stack them, I also printed off 2 of target's coupons, so I can get the two deodorants and two body sprays for a total of $1.

This is the thing about online coupons - they are limited in quantity, and you have to act fast. I just checked and the target online coupon for the dove deodorant is already gone. It was available for a few hours only.

Both Krazy Coupon Lady and The Grocery Game tell you where to find online coupons, so if you choose to use these types of coupons you should consider how much your printer ink costs. We don't have to pay too much for ours, and it lasts quite a while.

Another thing about the Grocery Game: as you go through the online list, you check the items you want to buy, then at the bottom you can 'select all marked,' and print it off. That way you can take your personalized list with you, and it tells you right on it how many items you need to buy and how many coupons to use for each sale.

This does take a little bit of time. It takes time to locate the manufacturer's coupon - but you can get organized so this is easier. I already had sheet protectors and a big binder at home (but you can buy 50 sheet protectors for $3.50 at Walmart). So, as of last week, I started collecting my newspaper coupons in a binder of sheet protectors and each weeks is labeled with the date. Because the list does refer to coupons from weeks past. I will easily be able to locate the coupons for 6/6 and so on and so forth.

It does take some time to get organized, to find the coupon you are looking for and then once you are in the store to find the product. But as I become more familiar with the stores and their layouts and the order of how the coupons appear in the inserts, this will become easier.

So what I did last week was: 1) sign up for three newspaper subscriptions 2) sign up for my four-week free trial of the Grocery Game 3) get my binder and sheet protector organized 4) look at each store list on the grocery game to see the deals I wanted to buy 5) locate the coupons, cut them out 6) put the coupons in a labeled envelope to take with me grocery shopping 7) as I went to the store, I had my list and my envelope of coupons.

This morning I checked Krazy Coupon Lady's site for national deals that apply to my area. The Grocery Game lists will be updated between now and Monday night. Then I'll take a look at the deals, cut out or print off coupons, and get menus planned around the specials.

A word about Walmart. I have been pretty much a strictly Walmart only shopper. There are a handful of things that I will still go there to get that I need every week that are cheaper. I like to buy quite a few high-fiber foods that I will buy no matter what is on sale. Walmart does price matching for advertised sales from other stores. But I have decided it is too much trouble to take in other store's ads to show a checker to try and get the same price or maybe a little cheaper than just going to Meijer or Kroger.

I thought using the coupons was going to be a huge pain and very time consuming. But if you make sure you get the right quantities of the right products that are on sale (and the grocery game's list tells you exactly what to buy), then all you need to do is scan the coupons in like you scan products and you are out of there. I did about seven coupons at Kroger at a self-scan station, and it was pretty easy. You enter the coupons in after you hit 'pay now.' Also, with Kroger, if you have a barcode membership keychain, you can go on-line, enter the info from you keychain and set up an online coupon account. They have digital coupon that once you are all set up, you log into your account, select the coupon you want, and within one hour, if you go to kroger and scan in your kroger membership card and the product that has a digital coupon - it automatically give you the coupon price. It really is digital - nothing to print out or cut out.

I am learning as I go with this - I really started looking into this Wednesday of last week, so I have only had about four days to try this out. This week is going to be a good one, because I'll have 3 sets of current ads, I'll have more time to plan out what I'm getting, and I know a little more than last week.

So - I've written this all out because I wish I would have know about this sooner! Good luck to you and your shopping!

Getting Organized

2010-06-13T07:26:00.005-04:00

Life has finally slowed down a bit for us. After each of the bar exams that I've taken, I've sent some serious 'getting the household organized' time. This has been a process that has involved: junking out and donating a lot of stuff we weren't using, organizing the kitchen so we have only the items we regularly use in the cabinets, and that they are located in prime position (stuff not of daily use is kept in my storage room), getting the clothes organized, etc. I did a whole entire house organization the beginning of march and it is time to go through my storage room and garage again to keep things tidy.

The next step has been to attack finances. Looking at finances really is a lot like (for those of us who LOVE eating) taking stock of your physical health. It can be painful, and you have to be brutally honest with yourself to make changes. William and I are going to be paying off student loans for a very long time.

Now that I have the time to take a deep breath, it is time for us to get into some serious habits so that we can become more financially free. What I have done over the last few weeks (remember that this is a process. It doesn't happen over night, and - just like eating too much of foods i shouldn't - this is going to be a daily battle.):

I printed out all the records of every credit, debit, checking and savings account we have and looked at the records for four weeks. I made a list of everything we HAVE to pay: mortgage, car insurance, utilities, etc. I was happily surprised to the total amount for our bills was lower than I had expected. I called our auto-insurance provider and was able to get our monthly payments down by $20/month. I called our utility providers and got on the 'budget plan' where we are paying the same amount each month.

The system we (and when I say we, I mean "I" - I am blessed with a husband who goes along with most of my crazy plans!) have worked out is that we will keep the cash in our account to pay for all of our necessary bills and for gas. So I pay bills online, and we only use our debit cards for gas.

And then we employ the envelope system. William and I each have a monthly allowance we can use however we choose. We have a grocery budget, a household items budget, and a 'kids' budget. One of the thing I most enjoy about being a mom is taking the kids out to do fun things. We have a science center pass - but parking is $5. So when I take the kids to the science center, the parking will come out of that budget allotment. When I paid for their summer swimming lessons, I took part of it out of the household budget, and part of it out of the kids budget.

Next month we are going to add a 'date night' envelope. I also was going to add a fast food envelope, but have decided against that. If I want something for me, I'll take it out of my allowance. For a special treat for the kids, it can come out of their fun fund, etc. This has naturally cut down on our fast food grabbing - which is good.

I am learning how to use cash at the self check outs in stores - it's different. Being totally honest with what our financial situation is, making a plan and sticking to it has been so calming and gratifying. We are just a few weeks into this, but I can see how this system is really going to help us enjoy a higher quality of life as we are in control of the money we have and not spending money we cannot afford on things we don't need.

Three Weeks Ago

2010-06-04T06:30:00.002-04:00

Wow - life has changed a lot in the last three weeks.

Since I found out my happy 'I passed the bar' news, I have to admit I have been a little direction-less. I had been cramming law study in prior to the results in case I would be taking a bar exam this summer. I haven't studied at all the last three weeks.

In the last three weeks, I've been organizing with the Washington State bar, hosting my beautiful sister and her family, taking care of myself and kids that had the stomach flu - so not fun, going on our first camping trip in the US - so much fun!, and wrapping up seminary (just finished yesterday).

Now I am getting back on track. I'm trying to get a personal scripture study program started. I am starting to plan my study schedule for the summer out (involving mostly Spanish and some law - I won't start full-time studying for the WA bar until after Christmas).

And most importantly I am trying to plan a meaningful summer for me and the kids. I have kind of been floundering as I have tried to get some summer plans together. This will literally be the first summer since I have been a mother that I have children old enough to participate in summer activities AND that I have the time and health to do those activities.

As I have felt lost as I try and figure out how to be a summer-time mom, I have thought the phrase several times: "If you're going to talk the talk, you'd better walk the walk." In my case, this means that this summer I get my wish - to be a full-time Mom, and I had better take advantage of it!

So, we will! Our summer is going to involve lots of free activities. We are starting the budget envelope system this month - and it is scary and exciting!

Happy summer planning to you all!

Mixed Emotions - My Current Plan

2010-05-22T07:03:00.003-04:00

So - if you are interested, you can read the post below that explains how I made the decision to finish my education in California and take the California bar, as the means of becoming licensed to practice in Washington State. The bottom line is while WA has a rule that would generally require me to practice for three years in CA after passing the CA bar, for the last four years or so I have been relying on communications between myself and personnel at the Washington bar, that once I passed the CA bar I could take the WA bar. So of course I have always had this uncertainty or fear that rules would change or something would happen and this complicated plan I've had wouldn't work out.

But I have pressed forward. I had to take a major leap of faith in April. With the California results three weeks from being released, I applied to take the Washington bar exam in July, hoping for two big things 1) I had passed the CA exam and 2) WA would let me sit their exam. Washington's application deadline was in April, so I took a chance and went for it.

I kid you not when I say that 10 minutes, that's right, 10 MINUTES before the California bar results were released, I get an email from the state bar of Washington, telling my that I do not qualify to sit their exam, citing the three year waiting provision.

I can't even begin to describe how much my heart sunk at that moment. This had been a fear I'd had all along. There are no guarantees with a non-ABA degree. Moving to CA and working for 3 years has never been something in which I was remotely interested. I just thought, "Oh crud."

Then ten minutes later I find out I have passed the CA bar! Yay, yay, excitement, yay! But these emotions were so overshadowed with this horrible feeling that my 'big picture' plan was not working out. I battled with the conflicting emotions of intense joy and happiness at the success, and fear and despair over my 4-year plan: oh crud, what was I going to do now!

So Monday rolls around and I communicate back and forth with the Washington bar all day. Bottom line that I do have confirmed in writing is that because I was not a sworn in attorney at the time of their application deadline, I cannot sit the July WA exam, but, I can - specifically with the degree I've earned from my specific school - sit the February exam.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my 'everything works out exactly as I wanted it to' world, I would be taking this exam in two months, I would pass, and I would never have to sit a bar exam again. But we all know that it is rare to get everything we want. So, I am very content to have a great summer with my kids, then start up bar prep again in the fall.

I am going to be studying Spanish a bit the next few months - but serious studies won't be happening until after Christmas, when I begin to dig into Washington bar prep.

And that, my friends, is a long and drawn out explanation of what my current plans are.

Oh yeah, and after the 1st of June I will be sworn in as a real-life, licensed in the state of California and living in a state in which I can't use a California license attorney!!!!!!! yay yay yay yay yay!

Background on My Legal Journey the Last 4 Years

2010-05-22T06:24:00.003-04:00

Let me explain the plan I've had for the last 3 years and 10 months.

In July of 2006, as William and I were making plans to move from Australia to the U.S., I began to look into how I could finish my legal education. I had completed half of a law program (1.5 years) and a fantastic law school. The accrediting body of law schools is the American Bar Association. For ABA accredited law schools - you must complete your legal education within 5 years of the date you began. So ... since we had lived in Australia for 5 years, I could not just go back to BYU and finish up (nor were we moving to Utah).

That left me with three options regarding education: 1) begin studying a completely different field of study 2) start over at another ABA accredited law school - which would mean three years of very intense full-time study when we now had a 3.5 year-old, a 2 year-old, and a newborn or 3) do two years part-time through the distance-learning school I found in California, which is not accredited by the ABA. Graduating in this manner meant I had to take and pass the CA bar before I could look at other options in other states.

Option #1 was not happening: I was not going to change fields of study - law is for me. Option #2 was not happening: I did not entertain for even a moment the idea of starting over at an ABA accredited school - 3 years of intense study with small children was not something I was willing to consider. When I look back to my 1.5 years of 'real' law school, words I think of to describe that period of time are: 'hell,' 'torture,' 'nightmare,' 'horrible,' ... you get the picture! Even recognizing that my experience would be vastly different as a married mother the second time around, I just did not want to subject my children to being babysat for three years while I started and finished a J.D.

That left me with option number three: part-time distance learning at a non-ABA accredited school. There are two catches with a non-ABA accredited school: 1) you are severely limited as to which states will allow you to sit their bar exam. When you have graduated from a regular, ABA accredited law school - every state is open to you. Not the case with my degree. Most notably, I can never sit the bar exam and practice in Utah - where the majority of my family lives, or in the state in which we currently reside. 2) My degree is not reputable AT ALL!

So when I was looking into this option, I did my research. I grew up in Washington state. When I started law school, I had been planning on taking the Washington bar exam. So first I did an informal survey of various lawyer I knew and people connected with the legal field in Washington. As far as everyone was concerned in the area where I grew up - no one really gave a rat's butt where my degree came from, as long as I had a license to practice law in Washington. If I wanted to practice in a big firm in Seattle - a had a snowball's chance ..., but big firm practice has NEVER been my aspiration. So, catch number two was resolved.

As to catch #1: Washington, like the majority of the states that have provisions allowing people with degrees from non-ABA accredited schools to sit their bar exams, have a requirement that once I passed the California bar exam, I would have to have three years of active practice before I could take the WA exam.

But even though WA has this rule requiring a three year waiting period, I found out something amazing as I started communication back and forth with the Washington bar: despite this explicit rule, WA has a special reciprocity agreement with the State of California that would allow someone with a non-ABA degree, once they have passed and been sworn in as an attorney, to then sit the WA bar. No three-year waiting period.

Another catch - no one at the WA bar could tell me where I could look up this special provision. It either is not in writing or not available to the public. But over the course of the last 3 years and 10 months I have been periodically communicating with the WA bar, verifying that the provision was still in place. I have emails confirming this understanding between the two states. It is based on these communications that I decided to go for option #3.

Finishing my legal education in the manner I did has always been with the goal of making it to the Washington bar. And I have to say that it has been such a fantastic option for my family. Yes, during the week before my exams it was extra stressful and more time had to be put in studying. But for those two years I was finishing my legal education, for the majority of the time I was able to function as a stay at home mom and take care of my family. The kids were babysat one day a week - on Fridays, while I studied. This turned out to be the perfect combination for me - being a mother the majority of my week, but having some hours carved out to take on some intellectual stimulation.

So this is the lengthy and complicated background to how I come to be in the position I find myself in today!

Forty-two hours later ....

2010-05-16T15:06:00.003-04:00

This still ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The official pass list was released this morning to the public and I anxiously awaited to find my name on it - yes it was there!

Wow

2010-05-14T23:37:00.003-04:00

I am still processing. Funny how failing the first time took about four minutes to really sink in - it was pretty much full fledged despair right from the start.

But I really really really am having a hard time understanding that I PASSED!!!! I keep plugging my numbers into the website, and see my name, and it is crazy!!!

I sent a bunch of texts out when I was still in major major shock. What I would have liked to have said in that text is what I am going to write now:

Thank you thank you thank you thank you! There are so many family members and dear friends (including my fantastic blogging friends!) who have supported me, prayed for me, babysat the kids, helped with meals, checked in on William, listen to me WHINE, and overall encouraged me on this path. This has been such a group effort of faith and love and I feel very very blessed.

This is such a major obstacle to have overcome, and I truly thank God for carrying me through on your prayers.

I was driving home with about 30 minutes until results were released. I was doing some last minute preparing (I really have been in 'bracing myself for impact' mode all week). I thought, "what is going to change in my life if I fail again?" I thought about my husband and children. My parents, siblings and extended family. I thought of my dear friends who are also part of my family. I thought to myself "all of the people I love and care about are still going to be in my life tomorrow no matter what. That is what really matters. This is a TEST I am freaking out about."

But I still freaked out.

And I passed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many prayers of gratitude have been said tonight. As time passes they are beginning to become a little more coherent.

My legal journey is far from over. But it officially started in 1998 when I was accepted into law school. I deferred for two years to serve a mission, then had the whole living in Australia for five years happen. Crazy to think where life has taken me. It has taken me 12 years, but on Monday it looks like I will officially become an attorney.

Is this for real?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Pass!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-14T21:06:00.000-04:00

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

2010-05-09T21:29:00.004-04:00

Ok, and to all of you women out there - Happy Mother's Day! It is a day of such mixed emotions, no matter your situation in life.

I am blessed with the most fabulous of mothers - she has such a big heart, is so kind, gentle, charitable, loving, patient, and long-suffering, just to name a few of her character traits. I love her dearly. Happy Mother's Day to you, Mom!

When the kids and I came home from church we had a big surprise. William was making his oh so yummy lemon meringue pie. And he made me lunch AND dinner. And last night when the kids and I got home from a baptism he had flowers waiting.

So three cheers to William for making me feel special and loved!

(4 days 23 hours 27 minutes)

Feelings Suck

2010-05-07T21:28:00.002-04:00

A dear friend of mine and I share a similar trait we are trying to work on overcoming - not feeling our feelings.

I try really hard to push mine down and to stay so busy that I don't have to much time to dwell on the negative ones.

While I was waiting to have Tumey removed, this was a coping mechanism that I consciously employed. I kept my mind so busy and had so many things to organize, then at night time I took a sleeping pill. That is how I got through 3 months of waiting. I remember being unable to cry.

I only had two small breakdowns during those 3 months. One was when speaking with a friend and talking about if the worst were to happen, hoping my kids would never doubt the love that I had for them. The other was the day before my surgery, when I was driving over to a friend's home to get my last will and testament and my living will (no life support, etc) witnessed. I had to bring the living will with me to the hospital on the day of Tumey's eviction. Talk about a reality check - which is why I waited until the very last day possible. As I started to cry a bit, I just told myself 'keep it together, keep it together.' And I did.

I am learning that sometimes keeping it all together should not be the primary objective. Sometimes letting myself feel my emotions is important and necessary. Acknowledging what I am feeling is the first step in dealing with emotional crud (yes, that is the proper term).

I am having a day where I am feeling my emotions (read: bawling my eyes out!). Emotions I have felt today: guilt, anger, disappointment, sadness, mournfulness, loss, burdened, fear, panic, being depleted, impatience -- but also comfort and love. I am sure that what I am about to say could be said by everyone: My life is hard.

I also know that once I get a good night's sleep (and I really do know this for sure) I will wake up viewing the world a little differently - in a good way. Sometimes I need a good wallow to be able to see the sunshine again.

Here's to a bright tomorrow!

Bar Reflections

2010-05-04T20:45:00.004-04:00

I was laying in bed with a thousand thoughts going through my head, and thought I may as well get up and write them down so I can be at peace and go to sleep.

I get bar results in one week, three days, 13 minutes. (I love how California gives out the results - so you know down to the minute when you can expect to find out, AND how results aren't made public until two days later. It's nice.)

There have been so many tender mercies along my path. I remember how hard it was for me to understand how I had failed by a small margin. How I could understand being carried so far with God's help just to fail.

But knowing I had come close made a huge difference in round of studies #2. It gave me a lot of confidence that I did not have the first time, and was a big blessing.

It sounds like something someone would say just to make themselves feel better, but it really is the honest truth that I am grateful I failed the first time. I've seen how much my faith in God has grown and have seen so many manifestations of His love for me and His hand in my life and in this journey particularly.

When I was studying the second time, I found a confidence in my abilities to be an attorney that I had never had before. I am very grateful for that new-found confidence.

When round #2 of studies came around, I was now a seminary teacher, which certainly added to my juggling act. I remember talking to my seminary class one day before bar #2 about how it didn't add up. I told them when I thought about the responsibilities I had, as far as taking care of William and the kids and running the household, teaching seminary, and full-time bar study - that it just shouldn't work out. It didn't really seem like I had time for everything I was doing. But it did work out, and I did find time.

The Lord truly blessed me to be able to do all of the things that He wanted me to. Yes, I have had to work hard. And that, too, is a blessing. But I was constantly strengthened beyond my own means.

I remember a turning point in round #2. I was suffering from drowsiness that was a side effect of a medication I was taking. I was early on in my studies - maybe the first or second week, and I just had no idea how it was going to happen. Every time I sat down to study I fell asleep. I was freaking out. And then two dear leaders gave me a Priesthood blessing. And it was remarkable. The day following the blessing I was able to think clearly and have the energy I needed to study. Drowsiness was no longer a problem.

Something that played a really big part in my feeling better prepared the second time was how I studied old bar exams. I look back and am so amazed at how my study method developed. I didn't know what I was going to do with the exams once I printed them off, but I printed off 800 pages of essay questions and sample answers. And I started organizing them. And a method for studying them that was very unique just kind of came to me. And it was amazingly helpful - for me.

But despite all of this, as the day draws nearer (May 14 at 9m eastern time!) I am really starting to freak out. The first time I took the bar, I could look back and see how I had been carried through the experience (and I failed!). I don't think all of these examples of heavenly help by any means indicate that I am guaranteed a 'pass.' I don't know what my results are going to be.

But I do know that whether I get good news or bad news, it will be alright.

I failed once and life has gone on and we have survived and our children are happy and doing fine. And I have the peace that comes with experience. I know that I will never have to face round #1 again. That was one of the biggest components of failing the first time - thinking I'd have to relive the 10 worst weeks of my life.

I know this post was long a few paragraphs ago, but I just have to write down one more idea.

I think my first round of bar study and the resulting failure will forever be etched in my mind as a defining experience. Just like when I told my seminary kids the second time that things just shouldn't add up to me being able to do what I was doing, I look back to the first round and KNOW I was being carried well beyond my human capacity.

I think about the months leading up to bar study - recovering from my brain surgery (literally having to train my brain to be able to focus and study as it healed), going through the emotions of facing the possibility of a very serious diagnosis for Ezrie, dealing with Levi's diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, dealing with a huge secret in our lives that not many people were aware of - how serious William's depression was/is, and then facing my massive fears and inadequacies with law. I studied full-time for 10 weeks, half of which the kids were babysat six days a week. I was still getting migraines regularly. I was studying 12 - 16 hours a day, and then getting groceries, doing laundry, cleaning (well - not much cleaning happened!), paying bills, gassing the cars up - everything! And then I was called to be Nursery Leader. I look back on those weeks and know that even though I was stressed to the maximum degree, I was being helped in countless ways.

I look back on those weeks and cannot believe I got through it. I can chalk it up to being another miracle in my life. This is a defining experience in my life because I know that with God's help I can accomplish tasks that seem impossible. I know that our family survived those ten weeks of misery because God was supporting us and carrying us through them.

And then finding out I failed is a defining experience because I faced the bar again. Knowing just how horrible and difficult and stressful it could be - I signed up for the bar exam again. Not knowing it was going to be easier the second time. And if I find out that I failed again, I will take it again. And again. I will do this as many times as necessary, unless I feel like God's plans for me have changed. But in the meantime, I feel like I have been given so many green flags with law and I know this is my path.

I just don't know if I'll be taking the CA bar again this summer!

And so I am anxiously awaiting May 14. It will be really interesting to see how the next couple of weeks pan out.

Good Times

2010-04-26T18:11:00.002-04:00

The kids and I had what is becoming our annual 'trip' away this weekend. We didn't go to far, and thanks to priceline and a lot of freebies it didn't cost a lot. It was a very happy time.

We are doing well.

William is trying to finish up finals for this semester, so in a few days he will be able to take a deep breath. Levi is getting discharged from speech therapy in two weeks. Ezrie has just two more weeks of school and she is done. Just today I got all the paperwork filled out for Jaiden to start preschool in the fall. Next school year both Levi and Ezrie will be in all-day school and Jaiden will be in preschool Monday - Thursday from 8 - 11:30. It seems so crazy.

I am really trying to do all that I can so that as soon as possible I can do some part-time work. Bar results come out in two weeks, four days, 2 hours, 41 minutes. Not that I'm counting or anything .... I suppose I'll have a better idea of what to expect the next few months after the results come out.

I am getting up even earlier and working harder to prepare myself for all possibilities. I don't think I will be content to do too much relaxing until I am a licensed attorney in the states of California and Washington, and am capable and competent to be a court interpreter in Spanish. I feel like when I have achieved those goals, I can rest assured that I can adequately provide for my family should the need arise. Well, and then there is the practical experience that I'll need to gain lots of ..... I really do feel like I started a never ending path a couple years back, leaving behind a life that I really took for granted.

There are some things I really miss. I miss having the regular option of being able to stay up late. I miss netflix! I love my movies. I used to watch a couple of movies a week at night after the kids were in bed. I've had one on top of our TV for the last 6 weeks that I just can't get two consecutive hours to watch. I miss the relaxed life I had when I was just a part-time student. I miss having lots of time to spend with friends socializing - a lot. I miss having the time to organize and have families over for dinner, to have games nights regularly.

But - there are also things I really don't miss. My whole new crazy need to have the house clean and organized brings so much peace to my life. We lived in utter and absolute chaos. Lots of times I think about how our household runs now and how it used to run and feel the analogy is accurate to compare it to losing a lot of weight - you just never want to go back to that lifestyle. I never want to regularly wake up to dirty dishes or a messy living room. To toys overflowing every part of the house. To everything being as crammed full as it could be and not being able to see anything.

(PS to the neat freaks out there - how come you never told us slobs that walking into a clean house all the time is like Valium for the soul? It's such a great feeling! And totally legal and guilt free!)

I don't miss the lack of direction I had in my life. Having such a clear and present sense of purpose is extremely fulfilling.

I don't miss the feeling that I was floundering as a mother. It has been so interesting for me to see how the skills and discipline I've had to learn for my studies have crossed over into my role as a mother. This last round of bar study has particularly left me in a 'humm, this is a problem, how can we solve it ?' about various things I run into in household management.

I love the schedule I've gotten into the last couple of months, which allows for scripture and Spanish/legal study time, exercise time and meal preparation time daily. Things that I have scheduled in on a weekly basis are: housecleaning (minimum on that day: clean bathrooms, change all sheets and towels, vacuum the bedrooms, empty wastebaskets), service, menu planning, grocery shopping (I only go ONCE a week - that's it!), scheduling/paperwork/bill paying, kid outings, family time, cleaning out the car and my purse! Having a clean van is another one of the perks of my crazy clean streak that I've gotten into.

So - this had kind of been a random post, and now the kids are ready for our Funniest Home Videos watching, so off I go!

Waaa Waaa U-Turn

2010-04-15T05:23:00.003-04:00

Honestly, it doesn't take long after I've submitted to a full-fledged pity party that Heavenly Father shows me all of the blessings in my life.

Just a few short hours after my last post, I took my two oldest to swimming lessons and put Jaiden in the kids' room at the Y during the lessons. I love the Y and have had no other problems with the kids' room. But on that night, the kids were outside playing on the play equipment, and one of the teenagers supervising didn't notice Jaiden had wandered off. I have no idea how long he was missing, but apparently another employee found him wandering out in the parking lot and brought him in. (They told me all this when I came to pick him up. I have left instructions that under no circumstances is he allowed to be taken outside again.)

I was horrified on so many levels, the biggest being that Jaiden has no concept of the danger of cars and will frequently try to run out in front of them.

I've said many prayers of gratitude that he was protected. I have had a renewed gratitude for the children we do have in our family and how much I love and adore them. They really are my life and the reasons I make the sacrifices I make (just like all of us moms).

I have had many other opportunities the last couple of days to see how much me and my family have blessed, in just so many ways. I can clearly see that with the trials we face, we have been given all of the tools we need to dig our way out.

No, we are not magically transported from Crappy Point A to Carefree Point B (and as we all know, it doesn't take long for Carefree point B to become Crappy Point A again - because that is what this life is all about - getting little breaks here and there from trials, and then digging right back in to being tested and tried). But we are given all we need to be able to do the work to make it through what we have been asked to do.

I had one of those little breaks from the worries and cares of life just recently. Coming back from Bar exam #2 I had one of the happiest weeks of my life. The massive Bar burden was temporarily eased and I got to spend all day long being a mom! I knew it couldn't last, simply because life cannot be lived in that state, but I savored the experience. One of the little 'rest stops' along the way in the journey of life.

So yes, I have taken a 'waaa waaa u-turn!"

And now I must make the transition into Seminary Teacher mode - another huge blessing in my life.

Holding on By a Thread

2010-04-13T15:02:00.002-04:00

I really like everyone to think that I have it all together. And sometimes, for the most part, I do. But sometimes I really really don't.

I am going through a "sometimes I really really don't" right now. On one hand, my household and life as a stay-at-home mother have never been more organized and running more smoothly. I've got a fabulous system going for food inventory, grocery lists, recipes and meals. In the last 5 weeks, I've junked out and organized every room, closet, bookshelf, desk, and drawer that we own.

But on the other hand, the emotional magnitude of decisions my family has to face are overwhelming. Do we stay here another year, or do we move this summer? Which means can William complete his Master's or not? What kind of gainful employment can we expect him to be able to keep? Are we EVER going to be in a stable enough position to grow the family? Those of you who have been in situations where you KNOW there is someone missing from the family understand that pain.

I distinctly remember a moment when I was in law school, single, at BYU. I was in my room studying, and I had this overwhelming loneliness and longing to be with people I hadn't met yet in this lifetime - my children. For a very long time now I have felt the absence of another soul that really should be part of our family. It is heartbreaking.

William, bless his soul, gives me all the support he can. Last night he helped tidy up and vacuum for me, despite how horrible he was feeling, and that meant a lot.

I see the signs I have now identified as going down a path I don't want to be on: wanting to sit on the couch and not get up, being overwhelmed by the idea of getting lunch together for the kids, not wanting to get out of bed, wanting the kids to go away and leave me alone (wait - that can happen on a good day too!) an ever-present 'emptiness.'

So folks - I'm giving this two more weeks and if I can't dig myself out of this I am going to be right back into the doctor asking for more anti-depressants. In my crazy mind, I have felt like between me and William, maybe one of us shouldn't have to rely on medication to survive. But it's possible that I may need all the help I can get.

Reflections

2010-04-11T09:28:00.003-04:00

It was ten years ago to this very day that I was supposed to go home after serving a full-time mission.

I say 'supposed to' because we were all packed, the group of us had been dropped off at the airport - the APs had waved goodbye with tears in their eyes (j/k), and my tumultuous relationship with air travel struck. A tornado hit the area and all flights were cancelled. Fortunately I had all necessary phone numbers on me still, we got in touch with the mission office, and we stayed overnight in a hotel and left the next day.

So - ten years ago I was in a hotel in Dallas on the eve of my mission homecoming. Teaching seminary, especially since we have been studying the Book of Mormon, has brought back so many memories from my mission! I feel so blessed to have had that opportunity. I was reading through my mission journal and found an entry saying how I thought that serving a mission would be one of the most important decisions in my life. And so it has. Post mission I have thought many times "everything good in my life I have because of my mission."

I know that we all have opportunities to grow and be stretched, and for some those experiences come through young marriage and mothering. I can see my friends who married before a mission became an option, and how exactly right for them their situations have worked out. But for me, I can see how serving a mission was absolutely critical to the survival of my family. And I thank God for the experiences I had.

So ten years ago I was just coming home from a mission. Five years ago we had just moved into our house on Stanton Street in Brisbane. Levi was 16 months old and I was 8 months pregnant with Ezrie. I was on the precipice of a beautiful drop into the spiritual healing that came with Ezrie's birth. A story for another time.

Three years ago we had just found out William was accepted into graduate school. Talk about a leap of faith! We moved out of the home we were renting, sold all of our belongings save 8 suitcases and 8 boxes, our car, our furniture, our beds, our wedding presents. And then waited while living first with my parents then with William's mom for five months to find out if we actually had a place to move to.

And we found out it was across country from all of my family. There was weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth. I was so NOT excited about where we were moving to. I hated the place. And it has come to be 'home' in a way I have never experienced before. And I have made beautiful friends who have carried me through some of the darkest times of my life. It was part of The Plan for our family that we move here and live here and love it here. And I am so grateful for that.

Two years ago my health was so horrible. I was two months away from finding out about tumey.

Last year we were scrambling, so desperate to try and find a good doctor for William. One year later, we are still on a quest for the right medical treatment for him. The love of my life.

Last year we had just gone through the agonizing weeks of Ezrie's testing and waiting for results. I was absolutely convinced she had some type of cancer. I again thank God that was not the case. Her knee and leg pain has been very frequent lately - I'm wondering if there is a seasonal aspect to her still undiagnosed condition. We are trying natural remedies.

Last year we were a couple of weeks away from finding out about Levi's asperger's syndrome diagnosis. Levi has come so far the last year! He loves school, he has friends there, he attends speech but they are looking at releasing him in the next couple of months. There are still tendencies and characteristics we are keeping an eye on, and as he ages, more may surface. But I am so happy with the progress he has made.

Last year I was also standing on the precipice of one of the most frightening and horrible experiences of my life (bar exam #1). I emotionally was the most out of control I have ever been in my entire life as I faced my overwhelming fears. The constant extreme stress of studying 65+ hours a week, being so concerned about William, and having to take care of every aspect of running a household of a very sick husband and three small children is something I never want to go through again.

And then I got the nursery leader calling! In a schedule where quite literally, the only two hours a week that I had to sit somewhere and not do something was during nursery time, I can look back and understand why I was in bed crying for two days after the calling was accepted and before I was sustained. That was one of those breaking points we all have. And then we put ourselves back together and move on.

And these last ten years leads me to my current position, which is a post for another day. We have had the good, the bad and the ugly. But we have each other, and have certainly been so blessed along our crazy path. Ten years of joy, happiness, uncertainty, trials, tears, growth. It's been a wild ride! One I am happy to be on.

How I Got to "the Golden Age," or My Journey as a Mother

2010-03-21T06:41:00.004-04:00

I must preface this by saying that I really don't expect anyone to read this. It is way too long and all about me!!!! =) But I want to record the thoughts I've had lately on this subject.

This last three weeks have been usually more and sometimes less Fantastic! (Sometimes 'less' as my body adjusts to going of anti-depressants, but those have been relative blips.)

So - here is a little bit of my personal history to explain the 8 year journey that has gotten me to the place I am at now.

The Background

When William and I became engaged and were trying to figure out where to start our lives together (America vs. Australia), at first it wasn't even a decision. Of course we would move to the U.S. and I would finish my law degree. But as we proceeded down that path it was wrong, wrong, wrong. And thus began a series of life decisions that to the outside world seemed illogical and irrational, but were the Right thing for Us. So we made the right decision and stayed in Australia.

And that left me a law school drop out with no working visa for several months. We moved in to a ward that did not much acknowledge my existence at the beginning (it was later split and that helped and I really did love some times in that ward). I was away from my family, in a new culture. I had friends I had only known a few months and who were single while I was now married. I didn't know how to socialized as a married person yet. Let's just say it was tough.

And then I got a crap job involving work I had done when I was 17 in high school. But it was the Right job for our family, and I supported us. And then Levi came along and I began a stay-at-home-mom. And 17 months later along came Ezrie. Two years later here was Jaiden. And when Jaiden was two months old we moved to the U.S.

We came here two and a half years ago and I was a broken soul. I had gone through a very difficult time in Australia where I allowed those dark hidden character traits we all have to show themselves on a regular basis. I had this crazy situation that I LET get way out of control and spiral into this whole metaphysical decision that I was a person without worth. One thing I know is that this will never again happen in my life. But it was something that had to happen.

And so I was broken. And I really truly deeply struggled with being a stay at home mom. In Australia I had noticed this deep void in me. I tried scheduling regular temple time. I tried a weekly community service project. I was involved in a playgroup. All of my efforts left me feeling incomplete and empty.

And then I was prompted to get back into school. (Oh so many times over the last year I have felt deep and enduring gratitude for that decision.) And I started a new phase. I became a part-time student, which meant that one day a week the kids were babysat while I studied, and when exams came I would put in extra nighttime hours. And this was the first step to coming to the point I am at now.

The Journey

Our U.S. move has been the best thing in the world for me as a mother and as a person. Of course the biggest trials of our married life have occurred while living here. But at the same time, some of the biggest blessings have also occurred.

I think I can only remember one week that William came to church with us. And that was the end of that. Nevertheless, I was IMMEDIATELY accepted into our ward. I immediately made the best of friends - thank goodness for the Mother's Room!! =) And the first weekday after William told me he didn't believe in God anymore, I made a phone call and got into see my Leslie.

Another big change happened. Levi started preschool four days a week and had to be at school at 8. I remember what a massive change this was. Sure, Jaiden was just a few months old, but I had become so unaccustomed to getting up and having to go anywhere in the morning. I would pretty much roll me and Levi out of bed, drop him off, come back and lay on the couch for three hours, then roll back off to go pick him up looking pretty much identical to what I did when I had dropped him off. And that went on for quite a while.

But in this state I began the path of self-discovery. At first I knew I was different than the ideal LDS stay at home mom, and I felt that the difference was wrong. I remember talking to Leslie a lot about what I 'should be' doing or how I 'should' feel.

But unintentionally I began to figure out what makes me happy as a mom. Routine is important to me. Having 'days' to do different things is very helpful (grocery day, cleaning day, grandma friends day, playgroup day, stay at home day).

Most importantly to my happiness as a mother, I need something that is intellectually challenging in a career type of way. If I got to pick my ideal lifestyle (which I don't think I'll be able to, and I can't even think of a job that exists with these hours and summers off!, but who knows?), while I still had small children at home I would ideally work one day a week. When all of our children are in school, I would get the kids off to school, then work from 9 - 1 pm, with summers off completely. This way I could get the kids off to school, work a few hours and still have time for necessary household work and errands.

And I have accepted that, for me, having this outlet makes me a better mom. That is my truth, and I do not apologize for it nor do I feel like it makes me a lesser-than-others mother. It is part of my make-up.

Where I am Now

My definition of what needs to occur so that I am functioning as the best mom I can be has changed, evolved, expanded. Bullet points of what needs to occur under my current definition are as follows:

Early Mornings involving scripture study and educational study
A clean organized house (I went from hating housework, to still hating it but liking the results, to grudgingly admitting that organization ROCKS, to enjoying cleaning!)
Exercise
Most meals are home-cooked and healthy
Unstructured playtime with the kids that DOES NOT involve TV or computers, and where weather permitting does involve the outdoors
FHE, family time, couple time and service time happen weekly
The kids have their daily responsibilities that help them continue to learn and grow (love love love the job chart we have going on now)
A weekly schedule is adhered to that allows for housecleaning, groceries and other shopping, project completion, helping others, and 'down time' (how sad is that that i have to schedule it!)
Acknowledging that I get on major 'kicks' that last a couple months or so is very typical of my personality, so that when I get off this 'kick,' it will be OK - I just need to retain the basic necessary principles.

A General Recap - The last 8 years have helped me really come to appreciate the stage I am at now in the following areas:

Spiritually - My testimony has never been stronger. I attribute that to the trials we have faced and my current calling. Seminary has changed my life forever. Failing the bar exam the first time was also hugely instrumental in my coming to understand in a way I never had before the beautiful and sweet personal relationship I have with the Savior.

I could really see the personal spiritual growth I'd experienced between bar #1 and bar #2. One of the biggest reasons I was so utterly devastated by my failing results was that it meant the kids would be full-time babysat another 2.5 months. And it was so hard. Jaiden and I had grown particularly close, and some mornings he would cry as I dropped him off. And my heart would break. I would be telling myself as I left him at the babysitter "I really am doing this for these kids, so I know their future is secure." But it stunk.

However, those early morning before I would go down for a day of bar testing in attempt #2, I had time to reflect. I saw how much more I believe in everything - in my Savior, in the Book of Mormon, in my Heavenly Father, than I did even six months previously. And the second day of testing I prayed "thank you Heavenly Father that I failed the first time." And I meant it. Even though the kids did have to go to the sitter for several weeks longer than they would not have had to if I had passed the first time, in exchange they got a mother who can testify to them with more surety and conviction of the reality of the heavenly love for them. I'd say that's a pretty good trade, and very much worth it.

Socially - I have such a great ward! Such good friends and so many families who have adopted me in that I just have to say 'bless them all!'

Emotionally - I have made the best of best of friends here who support me daily (sometimes all day long!) I feel like they are roommate who happen to live with their husbands =). I have had Leslie to help me sort myself out. The last couple of weeks have certainly had some ups and downs emotionally - but overall I am so well supported it seems unfair - but I love it!

Physically - this is a huge part of how I have gotten to 'the Golden Age.' Again, I can look back to how I felt after the first bar exam, and the difference is dramatic. Back in August I was still suffering from horrible headaches and fatigue. And there was the depression that I have recently identified. So I'd had kids close together, then had several small children, then got tumor sick, then had Tumey removed and had the resulting health issues. Then did bar study on top of those problems. Yikes. I know exercising, eating better and losing weight has also tremendously helped. So between having children who are growing older, taking way better care of my health through diet and nutrition, and having the time post surgery naturally pass to where I don't have some of those health issues - I currently feel better than I have in seven years - when I fell pregnant with Levi. And I am so grateful.

Mentally - I am at such a good space right now. Failing the bar exam the first time really was such a good thing for me. Having the daily courage to face studying the first time - with so many obstacles in my path - has given me the self-confidence to know that I can face hard things. And then failing stunk. Really bad. But having gone through the process the second time was so good for me in several ways. After my first attempt, I felt like I didn't deserve to pass but sure was hoping for a miracle! If I had passed on the first try, I think I still would have had some self-doubt about my ability to perform competently in the law profession. After this second try, however, I feel like I have learned the skills I need to succeed as a lawyer. I know I have so much to learn in a practical manner that is is ridiculous. But I will learn, I can learn. And if in a few weeks I have unsatisfactory results - I feel very confident that I have learned how to study for the CA bar in an organized and meaningful way that works for me and I WILL eventually pass. After my first attempt I just wasn't sure if I could ever do it.

The whole bar exam process has been so beneficial for me and has spilled over into so many facets of my life. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have had these experiences.

The Golden Age

So this brings me to where I am at now, that I am calling 'the Golden Age!' I know, I know that it cannot last. And it's not like the last three weeks have been perfect, because we still have significant trials and stress in our lives. But the first week post-bar this time was one of the best in my life. Having the health to be the kind of mom I want to be and knowing what kind of mom I want to be is something I can never take for granted.

Perspective is something I think I will always treasure. You do have to go through the bad and hard and difficult so that when you have these times of happiness and content you can see the difference and appreciate it. And I do appreciate it. The last couple of days the kids have spent lots of time outdoors. I have found so much joy in seeing them happily using sidewalk chalk - and realizing that I have not felt up to supervising them in the front yard close to the street ... ever. I look forward to a spring and summer where we can do lots of active outdoor activities that I have not had the health or energy to do thus far in my children's lives!

(A big component that I recognize frequently in the joy I am currently experience as a mom is the fact that Levi and Ezrie are growing older and it makes SUCH a big difference to have two children who appreciate the dangers of cars and streets and other things that Jaiden cannot at his age. And they don't physically need me to take them into a bathroom stall every time we are out - they things make a pretty big difference.)

It is a bit scary to post something like this, because it's just tempting fate for the ax to drop!!! But like I said, it's not like we haven't had our trials and hard times the last few weeks too - life is not perfect. But I am finding joy everyday in small things, and maybe that is as perfect as life can get.

To My Teenagers

2010-03-18T08:51:00.003-04:00

I know we are years away from having teenagers, but lately I feel like if I squint just right I can see the youth my children are growing into. I cannot explain how the reality of the precious time I am living in is brought home to me every day. With every snuggle, every snack, every outing and event, the fact that I am so blessed and fortunate to have the honor and privilege of raising these sweet souls is brought home to me. In some ways I just want to perpetually stay in this stage of life.

But life is about growth and change. With growth and change come a different set of challenges. Challenges which really scare me.

I know I am going to continue to make lots and lots of mistakes as a parent. Some will be small and some will be big.

There will come a time where a hurt caused by mom won't be forgotten in a few minutes. There will come a time where "I'm sorry. I love you," is not easily received; where forgiveness doesn't freely flow.

To My Teenagers - I so deeply hope you remember some things.

Remember how each morning when you would wake up and bleary eyed walk out of your room, I would light up and smile at you? I was and am so happy for another day to be your mother.

Remember how we would all dog pile on the couch? Levi on one side, Ezrie on the other and Jaiden in my lap?

Remember how you were constantly telling me how tall you were getting and that one day you would be taller than me? I bet you are taller now. Remember how I would always jokingly reply "But how will I be able to give you lots of spankings if you are taller than me?" =) (it was funny back then.)

Remember all of our trips to see Grandma and Grandpa? Remember how we wouldn't even be home from the airport coming home and you would want to know how many days until we got to go see Grandma and Grandpa again? Levi - remember on some of those trips, when you were 5 and 6, and we were traveling just the four of us, I would push Jaiden in his stroller, and you'd be pushing the luggage in a luggage cart? Remember the time in SLC when the luggage you were pushing fell over in the middle of the crosswalk? I thought you were such the little man helping take care of your brother and sister.

Remember how you used to want us to have Family Home Evening every single night? Really, I promise, it is true. You'd ask nearly every day "Do we get to have family home evening

tonight?"

Remember how you all used to want to be the person to say the prayer? I'd have three hands bobbing up and down while three cute voices chanted 'me, me, me, me!!!'

Remember Redbox movie nights with popcorn and treats?

Remember our Six Flags summers? Swimming at the 'y?'

I'm guessing there's one night you don't remember - because it probably wasn't a big deal to you. But it is one of my sweetest memories. All three of you were in bed one night. I was out in the living room. It had been a hard day. I was kneeling in prayer, and I was crying. Then I heard Levi say "hey guys, mommy is sad." The next things I knew, I heard six little legs running towards me. You all gave me hugs and said "we love you, Mommy." And all of the sudden the hard day was no longer hard.

I also hope you know how much your father loves you. He is the most patient, compassionate and understanding person I know. I think frequently that if situations were reversed and if I were called upon to face the challenges he daily faces, that he would be the perfect supporter. He has the skills and talents that would be able to support me much better than how I support him. I suppose that is why we have both been given these trials - so we can grow and learn in the ways that we need to. If he were physically able to be as present in your lives as I have been, he would have been in a heartbeat. Hopefully by the time you are all teenagers he will be much more integrated into your lives. Just never doubt his love for you.

So dear teenagers - please be patient with your old fuddy duddy mom. Yes, she is nosy. Yes she wants to know way too much about your social lives. She has many weaknesses and imperfections.

But never doubt that you have always been very loved.

My Rules - Cuz it's all about ME!!!!

2010-03-14T22:20:00.002-04:00

I must preface this post by admitting that I am aware that I am not normal! A combination of many things over the last couple of years have brought me to this crazy state of existence in which I now find myself.

The last two weeks since I've been back from the bar I have been spending a LOT of time working on getting my life organized. There are a few reasons for this. For one, I can see it as a coping mechanism for dealing with chaotic problems that I have no control over - trying to exert what control I do have. For another, having to juggle the needs of my children and husband, my seminary class and full-time studying for the bar forced me to develop discipline and structure that have brought a lot of peace to my life.

So - for my household organization and life organization, I am working on two items that are helping. One is a table that I have stuck to my fridge that has five columns: 1) phone calls to make 2) grocery and store lists 3) paperwork that need to be done (bills, taxes, etc) 4) high priority projects 5) 'it would be nice if this got done' projects. Whenever anything in any of these categories occurs to me that needs to be done, I simply write it on my piece of paper and know that it will be taken care of during my weekly scheduled time (oh Emily, I can hear the giggling now ... )

Because I am in the process of creating my master weekly schedule. There are some components that do not vary: Monday - Friday I get up at 4:30, Saturday and Sunday I get up at 5. I have three hours per week day to study Spanish - one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one at night. (this coming week is my first to implement the evening study hour - I so hope that I am awake enough to do it!).

Why Spanish? Good question. I've been really trying to get out of it the last couple of weeks. Even been fasting about this and a couple of other key issues this weekend. Add this onto the list of things I haven't wanted to do, but feel like it's in the cards. So - hablo un poco espanol a veces.

I have learned over the last couple of weeks that two things are critical for me to be able to do all the things I want to do: 1) I must get a minimum of five hours of sleep at night and 2) I HAVE to have 'quiet time' for one hour in the afternoon that involves a power nap. If either of these two components are not met, then I become someone that no one, including and especially myself, wants to be around. (So my phone is off from 1 pm - 3 pm every weekday afternoon when I have my rest time and then study Spanish. It is necessary.)

So my weekly schedule includes preparing for and teaching seminary, exercising, housecleaning, taking the kids to the library, playgroup 2x a month - my own outings with the kids on the other days, family time, FHE, grocery shopping, projects, phone calls, 'paperwork,' and other stuff.

One of my favorite things I started doing is Thursday mornings. Every other weekday morning will find Jaiden and I at the Y while the other two are at school. But Thursdays I stay home and do 'paper work' which last Thursday involved FINALLY sending in William's application for US citizenship and filing our taxes. You know how all that crappy stuff just piles up? Having 2 - 3 hours each week set aside for that type of things is awesome for me.

The other day I also sat down and wrote down a list of character traits I want my children to develop and activities we can do that will help foster those activities. My current list is: a testimony of God, Jesus Christ and gospel principles; responsible and a good work ethic; appreciation for the value of money and good money management skills; being caring, compassionate and aware of others' needs; how to be respectful, honest and to have integrity; how to make friends and be a good friend; cooking and housework competencies. I have identified ways to (hopefully) work on these traits in my weekly schedule. This is a HUGE work in progress.

I've also written down things that bring happiness to my life so that when times get crazy hopefully I can draw from this list and remember some things that will help me get grounded again.

Things on this list: prayer and scriptures, spending fun time with William, and with William and the kids, having the house clean, exercise, healthy home cooked meals, guilt free indulgence in unhealthy foods - sparingly and at the right times, routine and something different to look forward to each day, music, writing, candles and yummy smells of all kinds - lotions, plug-ins, soaps, etc; being social when I am feeling social, helping others, taking care of my family the way that I want to (clean, organized home, meals that I cook each day, spending one-on-one time with each child, enough sleep!, good dear fantastic friends, taking advantage of teaching moments), one of the biggest: seeing my children happy and loved.

I am compiling a list of My Rules for Happy Living that is not even ready for a blog post. But they exist.

Like I said at the beginning - I know I am not normal!!! Just trying to take advantage of every moment I have at home with my sweet family.

My Imperfections - Comments Closed

2010-03-10T10:49:00.006-05:00

I am upset.

I came home after getting all the kids ready, dropping off Ezrie and then going to the Y to find William had called in sick and was sleeping. He stays up all night and had planned on sleeping from 6 am - 8 am. But Jaiden woke up early for some reason, so William had to take care of Jaiden (Jaiden watched the portable DVD player in bed by William while Will slept) while I taught seminary.

We have our lives structured so that William has almost the minimum amount of responsibilities that a person who is in a graduate program and who has three children can have. He works just a few hours a week. He's on the slow track to complete his program, and ended up dropping some practical hours so that now he's another year behind.

Most of the time, I can handle our situation. But sometimes, like this morning, I snap. It is very difficult not to feel like there is a tremendous disparity between what William and I contribute to our family's needs. It probably is accurate to say that productivity wise, I do contribute more.

But even though I am upset right now, I recognize that efforts and results must be quantified differently. Right now, William's maximum effort may not be what I want, but if he really is doing his best and putting forth his maximum effort, what more can I ask? And it's not fair to expect more than he is able to give. Logically, I know this. But in practice, it is so difficult for me to know what William's best effort is. It's so hard to know when to 'push' him and when to let him be. How do I ever learn that?

I feel horrible. I got angry and made some rude comments. This is after William had but forth extra effort last night. He sat down and ate dinner with me and the kids and I can't think of the last time that happened. He loaded the dinner dishes for me - which likewise hasn't happened in months. He helped me put the kids to bed. And then I give him such a hard time today.

I am ordering a book today called Deliverance From Depression. I had gone to monthly visits with my therapist, but I think I'm going to call and get in sooner.

I am going to leave comments on to solicit advice. I want to be a loving, patient, compassionate, supportive spouse who also helps her severely depressed husband become more engaged in the family and uplifts him instead of kicks him while he's down. If you know of any book or other material that would be helpful in this regard, or can think of some words of wisdom, they would be greatly appreciated.

I don't want to enable destructive behaviors, and at the same time I don't want to push William to his breaking point - which he has been dangerously close to on many occasions.

Photos

2010-03-09T21:02:00.008-05:00

What an absolutely glorious morning this was. I had arrived home from LA when all the kids were in bed and mostly asleep. So Sunday morning we had a great reunion. Here are the kids enjoying their L.A. loot ...

Mom had loved being pampered so much she decided to pay it forward. Here is Ezrie after her very first pedicure!

It's the little things, like having the time to buy church clothes for your kids so you don't send them to church in jeans and tennis shoes, that just warm your heart.

A surprise whirlwind 36 hour visit from my dad ended this morning. We love B-ba and Gramma!

These pictures this morning were taken during wardrobe changes - after seminary church clothes and before the Y work out clothes. I still like to change outfits at least four times a day.

Isn't my dad the cutest ever? He and my mother are the most amazing parents and people. I am so blessed to come from such a fantastic family.

Excuse my while I Do the Happy Dance

2010-03-02T15:13:00.004-05:00

So I have mentioned in the blog here somewhere previously that before Jaiden I had gained a lot of weight while taking a medication (it was Zoloft). Here's how it played out: The month before I fell pregnant with Jaiden I gained 20 pounds !!!!! In a month!!!! It was a combo of the meds and depression and all the crap I was eating. Then I had a horrible pregnancy with him and gained 60 pounds!!!! So in the space of 10 months I put on 80 pounds. Eighty. That's right 8-0.

Well, it's taken two years, nine months and two days, but as of this morning I have officially lost the 80 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay for me!! I certainly haven't been focused on fitness every day of my life the last 2 years and 9 months, but I would go in spurts - 30 pounds here, 20 pounds there - whoops a brain tumor and gain back 10, lose another 20, gain back 5, blah blah. I have taken some backwards steps, but overall have just kept plugging away.

So now I just have to get the 15 pounds off that was leftovers from Levi and Ezrie, and I'll be my pre-kid size. But why stop at 95 when you could do 100? =) We'll see. I'm just so happy to be much healthier and more active. That said, step circuit kicked my butt this morning!!! I hate paper plates. You know what I'm saying, Anna.

Sorry, but the end of my happy dance awaits me ......

First Day Back - Very Longwinded Post

2010-03-01T20:56:00.004-05:00

Every time I do a practice exam or a study session while studying for the bar, I always tried to evaluate how things had gone and how I could do things better next time. A study habit that has really grown to be part of my daily life is learning from the past and figuring out how to do things better next time.

So last time after the bar I had a major, and I mean MAJOR crash. I went directly from taking the bar exam to taking the children by myself to my parents' home in Utah where it can be very difficult to watch the kids. I had one of the worst migraines I've had post surgery shortly after at my parents home. It was a big adjustment to going from full-time student to full-time mom.

This time it is going a lot better. I have still felt the physical crash that happens after a big event. But it sure makes a difference that Levi's in school and Ezrie's in preschool. It wasn't like last time where all of the sudden I had three kids all day long in an environment where I didn't have the gym and other places that make my life so much easier.

Today was AWESOME!!! Yes, I still had my 'had it up to here' moments with the kids. A few times. As is normal life. But it was great!!!

Back in November, I was very prompted to get on an anti-depressant in preparation for the release of bar results!!! How FREAKING hilarious is that!!! Depression is something that I have to watch out for myself. Nothing even close to what William suffers from. But when we were in Australia I had a really dark time and went on anti-depressants for a few months. I learned a lot from that experience, and have figured out a lot of things that help me from getting to such lows.

So when I started this medication (Cymbalta) I was so surprised to find out that I really had been going through a period of depression after the first bar exam. I think it wasn't due to the bar exam, but just the accumulation of all of our crud. So I started the meds just in time to have it in my system for bar results. Thankfully! I thought many times "if this is my on anti-depressants, I would hate to see me without them right now!"

But as I started the medication, it was amazing that I was able to do things I hadn't been able to do before. Prior to the meds, I had my morning routine down, but then after lunchtime I was pretty much a bump on a log for six or seven hours. It really opened my eyes to the fact that depression doesn't necessarily mean being in a fetal position crying uncontrollably all day long. It can manifest itself when you are consistently not able to translate the desire to be productive to the ability to be productive. And in other ways too.

For me, medication has always been something I have just wanted to temporarily be on to get me to a better place. And to date I've been fortunate enough to only have had the two brief medication episodes. But I so realize that for many, medication is a way of life. For me, I have told myself the last 3.5 months, that as soon as the bar was over I was getting off my happy pills =).

So Thursday of last week I popped my last one. I was unaware that there can actually be some pretty wicked withdrawal symptoms from this particular medication. But I haven't been taking it that long, and I'm doing pretty well. Just some minor stuff.

Whew - maybe I need to rename the blog "too much information!" There was a point to all this buried back there somewhere .....

So back to my awesome day!!! Seminary was so fantastic!! I love love love love love those kids. I got to get the kids ready, drop Ezrie off at school and take Jaiden to one major shopping trip. I have menus prepared for this week!! I was able to buy church clothes for the boys (they've been in jeans because I haven't had the time to take care of their church attire!) I got all the supplies so I can start potty-training Jaiden (oh joy!) It was so so so so so so good to be buying real ingredients for meals that I get to cook!!! I know that sounds ridiculous, but the past several months, my once a week grocery shopping trip was humiliating and disheartening. My ENTIRE shopping cart would be full of frozen or canned food. Frozen meals for me, frozen meals for William, and frozen ones for the kids. Pathetic. But we survived!!! And now I get to cook.

Maybe we can blame it on getting of the meds, but I have a feeling I would be similarly emotional regardless. As I was crossing off the items on my list, I was getting teary over the canned tomatoes, cheese and tortillas! It just felt so good to be able to take care of my family in the way that I want to.

Then Jaiden and I headed to the 'Y,' I am loving turbokick despite my uncoordinated spastic movements. We picked Ezrie up, came home and unloaded a van full of food, had lunch, then headed out to the woman who cuts my hair who I think is a miracle worker so she could try and do something with Ezrie's hair that she had cut so horribly. That poor darling has been going all around town the last couple of weeks because I didn't have time to get her in. But she looks much better. Then it was the bank and more errands, back home to be here for Levi. I had a rest, we made peanut butter Hershey's kisses cookies for FHE, had dinner, and a great FHE.

We had a lesson on people with physical challenges. We talked about people who use wheelchairs and who have other disabilities. We lead the discussion, for the first time, into the fact that Dad has depression. William explained to the kids how he feels sometimes, and why he can't be around the family when he is feeling really bad. We tried to make it a point for the kids to understand that it is not their fault, that Dad loves them very much, and that we will get through this. We had our cookie treats, played a game and it was good.

I have done a decent job of doing FHE with the fam, but the lessons have lacked preparation and it has been more like every other week instead of weekly. But we are going to do better now that I can do better. Another thing I got to do tonight was read books to the kids!!! Reading has gone by the wayside during bar study, and I am so very happy to have our nightly ritual back.

It has just been such a good day. Last night I was feeling the physical exhaustion post-bar and decided to sleep in this morning. So I got up at 5 =) instead of 4:30. But tomorrow I am going to start a 4:30 routine. I am really going to dig into my Spanish. If we end up in an area where I don't have any prior relationships, I feel like if I am bilingual with Spanish, t it will not be difficult for me to get a job. So during this lag time while I am waiting for bar results, I am going to really dig into Spanish.

In the past, I have had the kids babysat on Fridays so I can study. But I've decided to get up early and study for an hour before seminary, and then I'll do some at night too, so that I have Fridays to spend with the kids.

So these are my plans. It is going to take me a week or so to really get into my new routine, planning how to attack my study time, getting in everything I want to do with the kids, but it will happen. I am so happy that I get this time.

I really did not appreciate being a stay at home mom before I started full-time study. I am so grateful for the perspective I have been given - that it is a blessing to cook meals and keep our home (somewhat) organized. That it is such a blessing to be able to organize my week anyway I want. I have really learned how much (for me) routine, discipline and organization can help my chaotic life feel a little less chaotic.

And there you go. So I've got work to do!! Better go to bed so I can start a new beautiful day!

My Heart Is Full

2010-02-28T09:52:00.003-05:00

Post Day 3 of the bar exam attempt number 2, thanks to Jen and Collette, I had the most indulgent, pampered, decadent, fabulously spectacular 36 hours of my adult life post kids. Jen and Collette - you have to know how deeply grateful I am!!!!!

Someday I'll have to write about people watching at the nail salon in LA (honestly - how in the world does grumpy pampered princess walk around with those things????? How in the world can a size 0 maintain any form of equilibrium like that - who knows? And rich old guy with young long blonde haired eastern European accent girl getting spa pedicures on a date .... not exactly the type of people I shop for Great Value food at Walmart with .... anywhoooo)

My travels back included a 6'11" security guard, sitting next to a 10 year old and 7 year old flying alone (poor little kid's ears hurt so bad from the change in cabin pressure he had tears rolling down his face!! Thankfully I had some gum that helped remedy that problem. So I adopted them for the flight. Poor little sweethearts - kept on thinking if I had to send my kids unattended I hoped someone would look after them for me.)

And now I'm I home!!!! My heart is full. I am so grateful for my beautiful family. I am so grateful for these experiences I have where I see how hard it is to not be the primary care giver. It makes me extra happy for the times when I do get to be the first, last and all in the middle person to hug, comfort, take care of. (I know, I know - and simultaneously clean up poop, snot and vomit, constantly break up fights, and pull my hair out in between - but I'll take it!!!!!!!!!)

And it is so good to be with William! He is the love of my life. It's not just a family reunion after being gone for 8 days, but really after being gone for the last two months. Life is not perfect but these sweet souls and these moments make the hard times so very worth it.

As I have been puttering around the house this morning, I have been brought to tears many times as I am drinking in feelings of peace and joy that come with being back where I belong. I am truly so blessed.

It's Over!!!!

2010-02-25T20:51:00.004-05:00

This morning's essays were not the same experience of Tuesday's. None of my last minute cramming came in handy. But I think they were just fine. This afternoon's performance test went really well.

I feel like the written portion of my exam is head and shoulders above what I did back in July - I just don't know how the multiple choice went. So ..... who know's??????

In the meantime - I'M DONE!!! I get to be a full-time mommy for the next three months of my life and I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!

Thanks again for all the love and support - it had made a huge difference.

Love Yous!!

Day 2

2010-02-24T20:33:00.002-05:00

Six hours of multiple choice. I really have no idea how it went. I never have been able to gauge on my practice tests if I was doing well or not. There was one question out of the 200 that I seriously wanted to wring the neck of the person who wrote it. Other than that .... not much to say. I do think that the multi-state questions are, to this point, my weakness. But there's always tomorrow!!!!! =)

I am pretty scared for the essays. There are so many things that can be tested and I am pray pray praying that I can review what I need to tonight and early tomorrow morning. We'll see how it goes. But in any case, bar attempt #2 will be over in 24 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My cute kids had received valentines that had pencils in them. When they saw me packing, and that I was packing pencils, they wanted me to take their pencils with me for my test - how cute!! So even though today was the only day I'll use pencils, I can bring them into every session. For every one of my six exam periods, I have had and will have a pirate pencil (Levi) a heart pencil (Ezrie) and a Cars pencil (Jaiden) right beside me. It is cheesy, I know, but right before I hear the word "begin" from my proctor, I look at those pencils and remind myself of the reasons I am doing this. They are some pretty awesome reasons. (I also have 'the blanket of my mother's love,' and the picture of me and William in our first hug ever in my hotel room - I am surrounded by much love and I am very very very grateful.)

So ...... I'm eating dinner, listening the ipod, gonna read a bit from a good ole high literary value vampire novel, and then try and figure out what to study tonight.

Thanks so much for being on this journey with me and the fam. Can't express how much the support means to us.

I Don't Want to Forget Some of the Moments I've Had Today

2010-02-23T20:40:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I know, that is a long title. But it's true.

Something I have really been working on lately, and I think this is going to be a life-long process, is submitting to God's will for me in my life. Accepting the path that He wants me to be on, and accepting that path happily and with faith. Like I said, life long process.

A song from The Garden, which is a beautiful musical allegory regrading the atonement, has come to mean a lot to me. The song is called "Not my will." I prayed this morning to be able to accept Heavenly Father's will for me in my life, especially in regards to the bar exam.

I do not know what the outcome of the bar exam is going to be for me, but I do continue to hope to accept the Lords will for me. I went into today feeling spiritually strengthened beyond my abilities - I FELT the prayer uttered on my behalf. I FELT the love and support coming my way. It was a very beautiful experience.

And then an amazing thing happened. Of the three essay questions I had this morning, two contained issues I spent last night and this morning reviewing. I had been going over past exams and had read several last night. This morning during the exam, I could see highlighted excerpts from the sample answers that I had read in my head. Things occurred to me to write about that came (seemingly) from no where. I was calm, I was organized, I knew what to write about and how to approach the questions asked. When I actually got to question #3, seeing it was over issues i had just reviewed, I almost started crying. I said a prayer of gratitude on the spot and was overwhelmed. It took me a minute to get it back together.

During lunch, I actually threw on work out clothes and hit the hotel gym and ran and ran and ran. My heart rate has never been so high!! My body was shaking with adrenalin and I was trying to get the excess energy out so I could relax a bit during my lunch break and get ready for the afternoon. I was able to relax. And eat something. I think.

In the afternoon - the bar examiners threw a huge curve ball at us with something they have never tested before - but it did not phase me. I was able to remember things I had learned in preparation for the exam that helped me approach the situation.

Today I see blessing that I have been given fulfilled. Today has been awesome! Now let's not get too excited. This was just day one of three. I have two more very difficult days ahead of me. And sometimes it can be a really bad sign if you feel good about your performance!!!! It really can. I feel like this exam in by no means 'in the bag.' I am confident that on Thursday I will walk away thinking "who knows?"

But regardless of the outcome, I cannot deny the heavenly help I received today both in my exam preparation and during the day one of the exam.

I left my hotel room this morning thinking "God will not desert me." And he didn't. In lots of ways I feel like my bar exam experiences are more for my own personal growth than for the end result I want.

We'll see how days 2 and 3 go!!!

Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers my way. I cannot tell you how much your support is helping me.

I Wouldn't Mind a Little "Dull" Every Now and Then

2010-02-21T23:09:00.001-05:00

Just to catch up the blog from last post - after my las post I got violently ill. It was bad. I missed about a day and a half of study due to that bug. Then our babysitter got sick and we had to do some rearranging. William ended up staying home from work on Wednesday to be with the kids, I ended up going to a state university library to study. All the kids had been coughing, Ezrie seemed to be getting worse, and as she is prone to respiratory problems, I wanted her to get checked out by the doctor before I left. William took her in first thing Thursday morning and she had strep throat. Go figure. I had studied about an hour that morning at the library, ran around picking the boys up, we got both them into the doc, Jaiden had an ear infection and Levi was fine - ran around to pharmacies and so ended Thursday. Friday, William had Ezrie home, I went to the library, packed my suitcases and headed out to la la land.

As an aside - I have not studied in a library since I was single. It was so funny to go there, not worried about who I would see, what I was wearing, what scented lotion I had with me, etc., etc., etc (in my own estimation - I spent 90% of my time in law school worrying about my social life, and 10% studying). I found a good place to take some practice exams and some secluded bookshelves in which I could pace back and forth while I memorized. Only got one weird look.

So this time it took my three flights to get here. Amazingly they were all on time, we even got into L.A. early!! Then had to wait on the airport runway for 45 minutes. My luggage all got here!!! But my hotel had problems on Saturday. I had to wait for the shuttle (after several phone calls) for over an hour. I finally get to the hotel (after 2pm) and they don't have any rooms ready. I have been needing to use the facilities for the last 2 hours, but was WAITING, so I ask where their public restroom is. "It's right around the corner, but right now it is closed for cleaning." I smiled and said "of course it is!" It really way funny to me.

But waiting to get into a room for three hours was less than hilarious. They FINALLY sent me up to my room, and housekeeping was just starting the cleaning! By this point I had 150 pounds of luggage and four sacks of groceries with me, so they kindly let me put it in the room, and I went back to the lobby for a while.

So, my big plans of getting in early Saturday and then getting some good study time were not realized. My last week of cramming like crazy didn't exactly happen the way I had pictured it. Thursday, as I was starting to really panic about the studying that was not happening, I had a perspective check. My mother says you don't have to look very far to see someone who is in more difficult circumstances than you are - and she is right. I took a deep breath, put things in perspective, and have just tried to do the best I can.

So tomorrow is the very last of the last of the last study days. I check in and meet my proctor tomorrow afternoon, then show up at 8am Tuesday morning for Bar Exam #2!

Today has been a good day. I got to think about and prepare some seminary (I miss those kids!). I got to go to church (thanks Jen!) and had some great moments there. I am resting up and getting ready for a big week.

I am so grateful for the help and support me and my family are receiving. Your prayers are felt, please know that. I feel humbled by those who have taken such an active interest in this endeavor. I have felt every step of the way that finishing my education and now the licensing procedure has been a group effort in so many ways. I am eternally grateful for friends, family, and chosen family who help bear our burdens. And laugh with us along the way.

I have had time to reflect today. I have grown in the last 7 months since I was here for bar exam #1. Teaching seminary has dramatically enriched my life. I have deep love and affection for the youth who share their lives with me. My testimony of the truthfulness and importance of the Book of Mormon has grown immensely. It's become a lifeline of peace and comfort like never before in my life.

My testimony of the Savior has increased tremendously. Those first few days after I found out I had failed were so hard. But I felt the loving embrace of my Redeemer and His constant comfort. He would not abandon me, despite my faithless attitude. Even when I wanted to be left alone. He did not leave me. And that means everything.

I see the Lord's hand in my life everywhere I look. I see how He has been preparing me for years and continues to prepare me for what the future holds. I am so deeply grateful for the trials we have had that have made me a stronger person. Not because I want to be strong, but because I want to be able to do whatever it takes to take care of my family. And lots of times I am weak. And He strengthens me. He sends help. He is merciful, kind and patient. The Perfect Parent, who knows when to assist and when to let me take my wobbly steps on my own, with his watchful caring eye.

So I think I have finally, after all this time, come up with the purpose for my blog. It used to be my fun social networking tool. And that was awesome. And I have made incredible friends through blogging. And it was a place for me to be silly. And to creatively write, every now and then. And it still will be that sometimes - because I will always be silly. But life circumstances have changed since I started my blog.

What I really want my blog to be is a record for my children of how much I love them and how much Heavenly Father loves us. We are blessed in so many ways.

So that's that. I'm sure I'll be updating during the week. This should be fun!!!!!

I Have a Picture

2010-02-16T13:08:00.002-05:00

I have this beautiful picture on our living room wall of our three precious children. Two weeks before my big surgery we had professional family photos taken. One of the most precious is of our three darlings. I see it everyday. It was taken 17 months ago.

Looking at my cutie pies I am always flooded with such gratitude. They are so little in this picture! Jaiden was 16 months old, Ezrie 3.5, Levi a few months shy of 5. Seeing their smiling faces reminds me of the single hardest act I've had to do in my life - hug my kids goodbye and get in a car to go to the hospital ... not knowing. Seeing them reminds me of the incalculable blessing of coming home to them. I was laying down by Ezrie the other night and I remembered a moment we had when I had come home from my surgery. It was a night about 16 months ago when we were similarly laying down, talking at bedtime. On that particular occasion I was able to tell her something that I had been unsure of for a while - that Mommy was going to be home with them ... the next night and the next and the next!!!!!

I have a picture that reminds me daily of why I put one foot in front of the other and keep going on. With God's help, these sweet children will be taken care of and will never doubt the love that surrounds them.

Must do something

2010-02-15T18:12:00.002-05:00

In bed sick with a stomach flu after a really fantastic (as in my BEST practice PT exam) and some good memorizing today. This follows some days of really crap practice exams that have scared me silly. Can this be a 12 hour thing, please oh please oh please???? Clam chowder for lunch - mistake number one. I'll leave it at that.

So, why not blog if I can't study and I can be around the fam? Do NOT need a sick hubbie and kids right now.

Some funny things that have happened recently....

Levi (6) saying 'come to papa' to his pizza ... cracked us up.

Ezrie taking the scissors in her own hands and cutting her hair. It's bad. Bangs cut to the scalp in several places. I haven't even had time to take her to get it 'fixed' if possible. She did it last week on Sunday. The day before, their Saturday babysitter had painted her fingernails. So at school on Monday she showed everyone her nails and hair and told them how she had gone to the beauty shop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Other things she has told random people - she had gone skydiving, been to Disneyworld, and has a step-sister in Washington. Oh Ezrie.)

Me and William driving on our way out to dinner. I've got my handy ipod all lined up with a U2 playlist. I see what song is up next - 'All I want is You' and tell William "I am dedicating this next song to you - as words from my heart." I unfortunately did not notice that the ipod was on shuffle. The next song that came up? 'I still haven't found what I'm looking for.' We were BUSTING up!!!!

There have been more, but they are eluding me right now.

Wondering what some of the possible defenses to having committed a crime are? I thought you might be: insanity, intoxication, self defense, defense of dwelling, defense of property, defense of others, preventing a crime, necessity, excuse of duress, mistake of fact or impossibility, mistake of law, consent, entrapment. I could go into more detail - but I'm sick enough as it is.

I dream of 'that moment' which is a week from Thursday at 5 p.m. I kind of sorta think that at 'that moment' I'll feel very similar to what I feel right now.

True Fear

2010-02-05T04:41:00.002-05:00

William and I met with William's psychologist yesterday. It was hard.

(I must preface this post by saying of course we are pursuing every therapy and medication route open to us.)

I am not totally positive of the exact name of William's diagnosis, but it is something along the lines of Atypical Severe Depressive disorder. Discussing the condition with the doctor and reading some about it online, I have seen the symptom click as I think about William's life and my own personal observations.

I am in the middle of going through a big reality check. The majority of people that have this condition are either unemployed or underemployed. We don't know how long these 'espisodes' (the current one being about 14 or 15 months) will last or how often they will come, we just know that we can expect them to regularly reoccur. There are other things which are just way to scary and personal to write about.

We talked about the effect this can and does have on our children and how to minimize that impact.

We talked about tools that I need to gain to help me cope.

We talked about the reality that William is not going to be able to complete his studies in his current condition - if he ever will be able to. (However, he can still finish his Master's degree, which is good).

The doctor spent some time with me helping me to come to accept that the person I am hoping William to become is not going to happen. I broke down as I said "I was hoping to one day again see the confident, goal-oriented, engaged-in-life, happy man I married."

I have seen large and small miracles throughout my life and I refuse to rule that possibility out, but I suppose we can't just wait around for miracles to happen but we have to take what we have and make the best of it.

How this affects William: My heart hurts for William. When he is going through these episodes he leads a miserable existence. Despite the trials we have gone through and continue to go through, I can experience joy, happiness, hope. These emotions do not exist in his world. I honestly cannot even begin to imagine what stepping into his skin and living even just one day would be like. This seems like daily torture to me.

How this affects our children: I really cannot go there quite yet. I suppose time will tell. This is too painful.

How this affects me: I am going to have to be a working mother, and a lot sooner than I wanted to be. I feel tremendous pressure to pass the bar exam. While I cannot take Washington's exam this summer, if I do not pass CA's this time, that means that what will most likely be my last summer at home with our children will be spent taking them to the babysitter and not seeing them. Please God, not this!!!!

While I recognize how fortunate we are that I am in the position to being very close to being able to support our family financially (and that is a blessing of momentous proportion given the circumstances), my dream of being at home with our children for as long as possible seems to be coming to an end.

My husband and our children are the four reasons I exist. They are my life. The reality is that I cannot be everything they all need, no matter what time I get up in the morning, no matter how hard I work - they need more than any one person can give. And this is where my faith comes in. I must believe and have faith that if I do all I can do, God will take care of the rest.

Including today I have 13 more study days left until I leave to take the bar exam. I have GOT to get myself together. I feel true fear of the responsibility on my shoulders right now. Can I do it? Can I be what my family needs me to be?

It is rare for me to do this, but I know the power of prayer. Could you please keep me and the fam in your prayers for the next little while?? We would be so grateful.

And now, somehow, I must work on contracts, property and criminal law today. Oh yeah, and try not to become a bawling messing during seminary. We shall see how the day goes.

Seminary Lesson - For Me

2010-01-27T12:03:00.002-05:00

We were discussing Alma 32 today - one of my very favorite chapters. We discussed the humility of the people due to their afflictions. We talked about faith as a seed, and nurturing it as it grew. We talked about how you don't even need faith - just a DESIRE to believe to start the process.

During our discussion things began to 'click.' We have spoken a lot about softening our hearts and what it means to have a hard heart, and how this relates to pride and humility.

I took the 'planting a seed' analogy back one step further - to the soil it is planted in. We talked about what happens when you try to plant a seed in rocky or very hard soil. The light bulb continued to go off. The very first step we have to have to grow our faith or our belief or whatever we desire is good soft soil, or a soft heart. No pride. Lots of humility. No resistance to the spirit as it whispers to us to have compassion, have patience, have charity.

This lesson came at the perfect time for me.

William suffers from severe and debilitating anxiety and depression. While he has some good moments (and he had about one month of doing REALLY well) the majority of the last 16 months have been William just barely existing. I cannot imagine what he has gone through and what he is going through.

The sad part is that most of the time I selfishly see how this affects me - how much work I have to do because of all he can't do. How much I am affected during bar study when I am trying to do so much. Me me me me me me.

And my heart grows hard.

So I am committing to find soft soil where I can plant seeds of understanding and compassion and selfless charity that I can nurture and grow and be the supportive and loving wife that I want to be.

These are tough challenges. William is such a fantastic person and I want to see him happy.

And that's my seminary lesson from today for me.

Second Verse, Not the Same as the First

2010-01-17T18:15:00.005-05:00

Round two of bar study is sooooooooooooooooooooooo different. Teaching early morning seminary while studying has been a big adjustment. I have finally got the routine down, though, which is so helpful! Here it is:

4 - 4:30, get up and ready for the day
4:30 - 6, study law
6:15 - 7:15, seminary and post seminary chatting
7:15 - 7:45, study
7:50 - 8:30, drop Ezrie off at school, Jaiden to babysitter
8:30 -9:30, take a nap
9:45 - 12, study
12 - 1, lunch/break
1-5:00 study with a short break in there somewhere
5:00, get kids, go to Y
5:30 - 6:30, exercise
6:30 - 9:30, dinner/bath/pj/brush teeth, play time for kids, I clean house and get seminary lesson ready for the next day, get all clothes and shoes laid out, back packs packed, etc.
9:30 - 10:30, in bed reading
10:30, lights out.

Repeat Monday - Sunday. I don't study on Sundays, but still get up at 4 to do some things for seminary. I also snuck in an extra long nap today. I find it too hard to get back into the routine if I sleep in on Saturday or Sunday - so there you go. Isn't it amazing what you can do when you have to do it.

It is so very comforting to have a schedule that is working and that will get me through the end of February when I can take this sucker again.

I am working on a project going through all the old bar exams and released sample answers I could get my hands on that I am really excited about. Dorkily excited about. This was the first Sunday where I REALLY wanted to be studying instead of so grateful to have good reasons to take a day off. I am a nerd-o.

I was so depressed about the whole fail thing mainly because I thought I was going to have to relive my nightmare summer. But it has not been nearly as bad, for so many reasons. Besides some review, I have more or less been able to pick up where I left off after all the studying I did this summer - so now I get to do all the things I'd wished I'd had more time for in July. (Intense memorization time is still coming up, but some things have to happen the last few weeks.)

The kids are in school, so that breaks up the babysitting (Levi doesn't go to the sitter at all), and the Fear Factor is small for me. So much of the summer was facing my fear of being able to do this. Feeling like I was NEVER going to pass this bar exam. Looking through my essays and looking at my scores I can see just how close I came to passing.

I know in my heart that it was not the time for me to pass in July. If it was, I know the Lord very easily could have helped me with the last few points. And this brings comfort. Because I know I am going to (again) work my butt off and do my absolute very best. And if the timeline is right this time, I will be happy with the results. If the timeline is off again, then that will be OK. I am going to keep on taking this thing as many times as I have to until I get the result I want. Well, I might draw the line if I start getting into the double digits of attempts!

I had the epiphany the other day that "I am never going to fail the bar for the first time again!" That may sound ridiculous, but to me it makes sense. I have seen that life has gone on since that black weekend in November. I now know that this time around has, in a lot of ways, been easier. And most of all, I can see the Lord's hand in it all. Knowing that He has a plan makes it easier for me to do what I need to do and not worry about the rest.

I have so many memories from my black weekend - one that is burned in my memory and that will forever make me laugh involves Pringles potato chips. Like most people - we have a strict no-food policy in our bedroom. The idea of crumbs in sheets just makes me cringe. But for the first 36 hours after I Found Out, I was not leaving my bed. Of course I wasn't so sad i couldn't eat, oh no no no. That meant food was allowed in.

I was in my PJs, in bed, wallowing for all I was worth. At some point I had eaten some Nerds candy that were sprinkled in my sheets. And then a light bulb went off in my head, I remembered a few hours ago I has stashed some Pringles in my nightstand by the bed. With the smallest of movements, I leaned over, opened the drawer where they were hidden and then rolled into my waiting hands. And I returned to my Nerds sheets to eat my Pringles. Exerting the smallest amount of energy and calories to get the maximum amount of fat-filled chips. =)

Now THAT is a rock bottom. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So - the next few weeks are going to fly by - here's hoping that this time the timeline I am wanting and the one that is actually in the plans for us are the same!!!!!

ilove my ipod

2010-01-03T22:42:00.002-05:00

I know I'm years and years behind, but part of my bar study meant I had to get an ipod.

I've never owned one until three weeks ago.

It has been possibly the best Christmas present ever.

We don't have a CD player in our van, and the one I had in our kitchen is broken. So I've been isolated from my music for a long time. And honestly - CDs are kind of a pain. William and I have been working to get my old CDs onto my ipod.

It sounds totally bizarre, but it has been like being reunited with old friends. Friends I have spent lots of time with and love and know and who got me through good times and bad in years past.

The first music I bought to put on lovely ipod was the 'Hope Floats' soundtrack. I had this CD with me when I met and was getting to know William and listened to a few of the songs over and over again. I remember listening to the song 'To Get Me to You,' in my Australian hotel room the night after I had met William. We found our song that we danced to at our engagement party on another CD: 'The Way you Look Tonight.'

I have been reliving years as I've heard music I haven't listened to in years: Simon and Garfunklel (I was into oldies during high school), Ani Difranco, Air Supply, Chicago, Sarah McLaughlin (I listened to "Do What You Have to Do" on 'repeat' for weeks on end), a mix CD that I spent lots of time with in law school, a CD I picked up in Peru after being to a dance where one of the songs was played - those latin hips were amazing!, CDs I listened to as a missionary (ok, most of those got so old that I haven't too eagerly listened to them all!), some music from Australian artists I liked while down under, and relatively new favorites like Coldplay, Kate Miller-Heidke, and songs from Glee.

I turn 34 this month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yikes. But as I have had this trip down memory lane over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling blessed. I think I'm going to feel like an irresponsible teenager for a pretty long time, and I know that I am not really getting that old, but as I have been thinking about my 'adult' years, I came to the conclusion that a lot has happened in the past 16 years.

There's been adventures, heartbreaks, good true friends, love to fall into, new places, moves (I think I've moved about 21 times in the past 16 years - holy crap), goodbyes (which I hate), reunions, tears, marriage - family - kids, and through it all, much much laughter.

Funny how music brings back so many strong memories, isn't it??? Very powerful stuff.

La la la la la, la la la law: OK, I am going into 'lockdown' mode for the next 8 weeks of my life. My ipod is coming with me.

2009 in Review

2009-12-28T12:46:00.006-05:00

I deleted a long post I had in draft about 2009. The sum of it was - last year at this time I felt victorious, hopeful, grateful. We had made it through some very difficult times, had much to be grateful for and a whole new year full of opportunities just ahead of us.

This year I feel apprehensive. 2009 was hard. For lots of reasons some of the hardest times of my life occurred this past year.

As I look at the specific trials we faced, everything is much better. Thank God our dear Ezrie has not been diagnosed with anything serious, and continues to make us laugh with her precocious, fun-loving nature. Our sweet-hearted Levi has grown up a lot this year, has made friends at school and seems happier. Jaiden is an absolute joy. (All of the kids frequently tell us they love us and want hugs. Jaiden has heard it so much from his siblings he says "I yuv you mommy!") William is doing tremendously better, for which I am deeply grateful. I got my law degree, still working on the bar. My faith has grown in leaps and bounds as I have been forced to my knees again and again.

While I see the blessings in our lives, I can't help but hold my breath a bit as I ask myself 'what does 2010 hold for our family?' I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Merry Christmas!!

2009-12-22T11:15:00.012-05:00

After a particularly difficult week last week two very dear soul sister friends took me to the temple. Prior to going I felt weighed down with trials and felt like there had to be more to life than sadness and challenges. Since my temple experience, I have had a change heart, or I have been able to see things differently. I am able to more clearly see the happiness my family members bring to my life.

As Christmas fast approaches I am eternally grateful for the birth of our savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for his life and all he did so that the challenges and trials of this life will not be in vain. Though it pains me that He had to suffer as he did, I know when I am low that He knows how to comfort me. Thanks to that baby born long ago I can be with my babies forever. I am happy.

One Week Later

2009-11-27T21:23:00.003-05:00

I registered for the CA February bar today. Everything is in line for me to get back into full-time studies in four days.

It's hard to believe that just one week has passed since I got my disappointing bar results.

A week of processing and thinking and staring into space and moping while also trying to get on with life.

Those first couple of days were not very righteous days. I told God exactly what I thought of His plan for me. I felt Him constantly comforting my soul to which I literally said "Go away!! I don't want your comfort!" No, my maturity wasn't shining through. Yes, I had been paying attention to my four-year-old's temper tantrums. But He didn't leave me. He held on despite my whining, crying, anger, hurt, bitterness, resentment, confusion, fear.

A lot of these feelings came from the confusion of this path that I have been led to. I did not want to go back to school and I certainly did not want to ever take the bar exam. Again and again and again I have tried to get off this path and have been repeatedly told (once in these particularly words) to 'stay the course.'

It is very difficult to explain just how hard this summer was so for me on so many levels. Let me just say it was 12 weeks I never wanted to repeat ever in my life. There has never been a time in my life where I have needed to give more of myself to my studies, to my children, to my husband, to the household, to my church calling.

I think I had about 6 weeks left before the bar exam in July when I was called to be nursery leader. I smile now to think about it, but at the time I was a wreck. I cried and I cried and I cried. This is one of those 'breaking points' we have in life sometimes. As I thought about what I was trying to do, studying six days a week, all of the responsibilities of my family and home, and then on Sunday, with my new calling, I would be getting up, getting me and my kids ready for church, taking them to sacrament meeting alone, and then going to nursery. And I had no clue how to tackle that calling. It was simply beyond my abilities. And it was hard. And it wasn't my favorite thing I'd ever done. But somehow we all survived.

Somehow my family and I made it through those three months of extreme craziness. But as I realized last week that my very best efforts were not enough, I was crushed. I've got to go through this again. How many times am I going to have to go through this again? How many times are we all going to have to go through this again?

Last Sunday night I was especially wallowing. As I looked at the city lights that night I just wanted to be able to have a face to face conversation with God where I got some answers. I was thinking how that conversation would go. The thought came to me that He would say "Janell, I would love to take this pain away from you. I would love to explain to you why this has to be the way it has to be. But if I told you now, the purpose would be ruined and it would all be for nothing. I love you."

I don't know if during this lifetime I will ever have an understanding of the 'whys' behind many of the events and trials we have passed through as a family over the course of the last 18 months. But what I do know is how much the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father has grown. Particularly during this summer of bar hell. I know He loves me and my family, even when I am acting like a spoiled four-year-old.

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day that brought a smile to my face. I was thinking about these things we are asked to do in life by God that we don't understand or that we don't want to do. Taking the CA bar again is definitely in that category for me. My epiphany is that "I don't have to like it, I just have to do it."

It's OK that I didn't immediately jump for joy when I found out i had failed. It's OK that this is not how I would have chosen things to go for me. It's OK that I've had a temper tantrum. But now it's time to just do it. OK, I'm giving myself until December 1 to be 100% into this new plan. =) I think I might need a couple of more days to whine to myself a bit. I'll give myself a three day whine-dow for that .... ha ha ha (that joke was very Williamesque: corny and grandpa all in one).

In any case, I don't have to like, I just have to do, and in the process of doing hopefully the remaining bitterness will fade to complete acceptance. That's my hope!!!

p.s. Happy Thanksgiving. (I have to laugh as I write that, after my big whine fest!)

Even though this is a tough time for me, I do recognize my blessings. We have a loving Heavenly Father and our Savior who are both constantly mindful of us. Our children our fabulous and make me smile with their cuteness. William is better than he was a few weeks ago and we have hope that life in general will be a little easier for us both. We have fantastic friends and family who are great supports and strengths to us. And Little Caesar's recently opened up a drive-thru window with $5 pizzas. What in the world do I have to complain about?

The Laughs Just Keep On Coming Over Here

2009-11-24T09:46:00.002-05:00

This is just so ... so ... funny ...

I am analyzing my scores and it comes down to a few multistate questions or a few issues better analyzed that could have made the difference. But that's OK.

What I am currently laughing at are the plans I am making to continue on. If I had scored just a few more points and passed this time around, I would have just, by the skin of my teeth, been able to apply for the Washington bar exam and take it in February.

But that was not meant to be. So I will take California's February exam. If by the grace of God I pass February's exam, there is no way I can then take the Washington's July bar exam. California releases their results May 14, and Washington closes their applications the end of April.

So even in the best possible scenario available to me now, if I pass CA's exam in February, I will have to wait a year to take Washington's exam.

And for complicated reasons I have to take and pass both exams, passing CA's first.

'La la la la Law, la la la law' will continue to be my song, as my seriously elongated process between being admitted to law school and actually passing a bar goes on and on and on and on.

I do have to say that finding out I was close to passing has made all the difference in my attitude. I now feel like while it didn't happen the way I wanted it to (much like most things in life), I can do this. I will do this, with heavenly help.

December 1 it's back to the books full-time.

Well ...

2009-11-23T12:35:00.002-05:00

I surprisingly got my notice of failure from the CA bar today. That was fast!! They do a break down of the different essay questions and the multiple choice portion and your scores on it all. To have passed the exam, I needed 1440 points. If you come within 100 points of the passing score they do a reread of your essays to ensure that you were assessed properly.

They reread my exam.

I ended up with 1415 points.

I was 25 points from passing.

Excuse me while I go and bang my head on the wall for a while.

48 hours later ...

2009-11-22T22:00:00.001-05:00

This still stinks.

Twelve Hours Later ...

2009-11-21T08:59:00.003-05:00

This really stinks. I wanted to be Superwoman. Someone who could have a major surgery, then graduate and take (and PASS) a bar exam a few months later. All while taking care of three small children, a husband, and all aspects of running a household.

I'm not Superwoman.

Law has really bitten me in the butt. Getting into law school was the last time I felt capable. Ever since then my journey in this field of study has left me feeling like I just can't make the cut. BYU law school continually made me feel inept. The worst feelings of failure came when I tried my absolute hardest and still did not rise to the top. So I began to not try so hard, for the same results. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was mediocre or worse.

I could not have been more disciplined or studied harder for this bar exam. I absolutely put my entire heart and soul into this venture. This failure makes me want to quit. To give up. To say "I am not good enough and never will be." But I know this is not the answer. I think this is not the answer.

I am confused. When I think back to the three days of the bar exam, I am confused. Since my surgery through the bar exam and after I was occasionally getting debilitating migraine headaches. I woke up on day one of the bar exam at 4 a.m. with one such headache. I cannot believe I took a sleeping pill and meds, went back to sleep for a couple of hours, then awoke to be clear minded, headache free and able to tackle the first day of questions. This is truly amazing.

With most of the essay questions, I felt like I had been led to what to study to be able to answer them. I didn't feel like I gave a stellar performance, but as I looked back on the three days, I felt I had been prompted about particular subjects that showed up on the test.

One thing that many talk about with the California three day exam is that endurance is one of the key traits needed to get through it - and exhaustion can be the undoing of many who undertake this exam. Despite the fact that since my surgery fatigue has been a huge problem for me, and I was taking several cat naps a day to get through my rigorous study schedule, I was able to take the test, all three days, with no fatigue issues during the exam. I had a clear mind and was able to be focused.

Don't get me wrong, I ended the three-day period feeling like I'd been hit by a brick wall, and feeling like that was a horrible experience. I left feeling like I had no clue about the outcome - that there were things that were horrible and things that were not so bad.

But overall I felt like I had been so blessed to have the physical ability to sit and take the exam. And it is nothing short of a miracle.

So this leads to the question: WHY BOTHER?????????????????? Why bother giving me the strength and ability to study for this exam to have me fail in the end. This is very confusing to me. In some ways, it would have been a lot better to have shown up, have had the migraine that was so painful I couldn't have left my hotel room that first day. I would have known at that instant that there was not hope. I would have to get it together and try next time. In some ways the 'tender mercies' of this experience actually seem like cruel acts. I'm sure with time I will have a different perspective on all of this.

The facing everyone and telling them I have failed is about 10% of my pain. The 90% portion is that I have to put me and my family through this all over again. I've got to send my kids to the sitter full time. I've got to leave friends and family high and dry while I hole up. Somehow I've got to face the hardest intellectual challenge of my life that took every ounce of courage I had in my soul ... again, knowing I've failed once. And the money ... but hey, we've already sold our soul to the student loan devil so why look back now.

What a year. What a year. Oh What a Year! Please - no more growing for me. No more stretching. No more testing and trying. Can't I just have a month off?????? And the waaaaa waaaaaaaing continues .....

Whining and crying can only get me so far. I am trying to remember perspective. Blah blah grand scheme of things blah. Maybe I can work on perspective tomorrow.

No Good News Here

2009-11-20T21:13:00.001-05:00

No passing the bar for me. At this moment in time I really really really don't know how I can possibly face that thing again.

I Passed!!!

2009-11-19T14:26:00.003-05:00

After two long years I finally sat, and passed, my new state's written driving test today =).

Ok, ok, so I have a cruel, sick and twisted sense of humor, but let me report a passing grade in something this week. In light of the fact that I will be able to find out my bar results in 31 hours, I have been dreaming of a blog entry entitled "I Passed" and thought I'd take it where I can get it.

I am prepared for "the worst" tomorrow night, though am trying to remember that "the worst" is not the end of the world.

I was very very very sad to let go of my Washington State driver's license. Especially considering I could show teeth in that picture. My new picture is ... almost as bad as my passport photo taken a couple of weeks after Jaiden's birth. Yikes!!!

Ok, so back to my obsessive countdown .... !!!!

The Absent Blogger

2009-10-18T19:48:00.002-04:00

I really miss my blogging days. I miss the connections with others. I miss writing. I miss sharing in others' blogging lives. I miss, I miss, I miss!!

This past month we had William's mother visit us and a week after Julie left, my sister Angela and her two sons stayed with us for a week. We have had lots of fun, lots of kids fights, lots of food, and now it's back to normal life.

Of note: yesterday Ezrie had the biggest tantrum of her life to date. This was an outing with me and the three kids to target on Saturday - always an exciting thing to do by itself. After wild flailing, punching mom in the face, screaming at the top of her lungs in the store "you almost made me bleed," came a one-liner that I am never going to let her live down: "I am going to keep on screaming no matter what!" Somehow we all managed to live through that episode. And she didn't get the gum.

This year I have been working on my health. I love going to our YMCA and have finally been getting back to the classes I have missed. I had lost 30 pounds at the beginning of the year, during my 10 weeks of bar exam study managed to put 5 pounds back on, then after the bar managed to put on another 5 in about five days. Yuck. So, I am 10 lbs up (or 20 lbs down, depending on how you look at it) and working on getting those back off. The never ending battle of the pregnant looking stomach .....

We have had an ongoing trial with William's health the past year that has been all-consuming. Today I was thinking about how I have been prepared to handle this - how Tumey and various other major life experiences have led to this point. Some days are better than others. Today is an 'other.' William's health is the main reason I went back to school and when I consider our current situation I am so very grateful that I have been able to complete my education. The licensing process is another story. But I was thinking today of how much I wanted to take a break from school when I found out I had to have the brain surgery. It seemed so logical and reasonable that I should take a semester off. But it was made very clear and obvious that I was meant to march onwards in that regard. And it was very, very hard. But we have been blessed. Amazing.

While sometimes the weight of caring for our children and William in virtually every regard seems so heavy and cumbersome, I know that this will not last forever. This too shall pass. I know that Heavenly Father has a bigger vision for me and my family than I myself can have. It feels like he continues to stretch us and develop us in ways that are painful, yet so very worth the pain. Task after task I feel inadequate and incapable yet when I try my hardest he makes up where I am lacking. And usually the lacking is great.

I love Elder Holland's 'Ministry of Angels' talk from fall conference last year and reread this again tonight. I know we have angels on both sides of the veil buoying us up. There are many who love us and want our family to succeed and I am very very grateful for the love and support we receive. This afternoon I was sitting on the couch and my sweet, sweet Levi looked over at me and said, "mom, what's wrong? I think you need a hug." And he gave me one. Even on hard days there are small blessings around.

Where's Waldo ..... Frumpy??

2009-09-20T22:34:00.002-04:00

Busy. Busy. Busy. Thank goodness that time has manages to speed up a gazillion notches while I'm waiting for bar results, because life continues to be totally and completely hectic. Here's what we've been doing .....

We have very dear friends who have been going through serious health problems, a surgery and recovery in this last several weeks.

Levi and Ezrie are back in school - Levi is in all-day kindergarten, Ezrie in preschool. Jaiden's job is to destroy the house while he has it all to himself in the morning and he's doing a fantastic job.

I've been trying to dig our home out of the rubble and chaos that it has been left in after a year of neglect. I never really properly moved our stuff in - never got my kitchen organized, as we moved in during Tumey Time, which led to recovery time, which led to graduation time, which led to MPRE time, which led to Ezrie time, which led to Levi time which led to bar exam prep and taking time, which led to now.

So the last couple of weeks I have found: my recipe books, my measuring cups, my brown sugar (it was down in storage), and my beautiful gorgeous tupperware. I love that stuff.

Today I was released as Nursery Leader and sustained as early morning seminary teacher. I have been substituting in this calling for the last several weeks and LOVE IT!!!!!! Good thing I got used to waking up early this summer while I was studying for the bar. Though it takes me about two second to sleep in until 7:30 on the weekends. Not hard at all.

We are also getting ready for company - William's mom gets here this week, then my sister Angela and her family will visit in October.

I miss blogging!!!!!! I just don't have the computer time I used to have and it stinks!! And now I gotta go get tomorrow's lesson plans finalized ......

Random Thought

2009-09-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

Just realized this second that "oh, I had brain surgery a year ago today."

Shows you how hectic and crazy life is right now. I'm planning a weekend post to do some updating.

Can't believe that Tumey left the building one year ago.

Bizarro.

Recent Pictures

2009-08-09T09:08:00.010-04:00

From The. Best. Day. Ever where I was completely spoiled rotten and loved every minute of it, thank you Jen!!!!

Got together with Taeya and kids in Utah. Here's a couple of baby Eliza, Amelia (also darling)was in photos with Ezrie half dressed so didn't want to post those ...

Kids with cousins ..

At Gateway Discovery children's museum in SLC - a fantastic place!!

And by the way, day two of travels went just fine!

Sometimes I just have to think "Seriously?"

2009-08-04T14:51:00.003-04:00

So me and the kids started off to the airport for a couple of flights to Utah today. I should have known ....

Our day started at 6 am, we were out to the airport, checked in, through security, happily waiting for our plane to arrive shortly when I notice the rain. Airline personnel make an announcement that our plane is trying to land, but they are going to wait and see if lightening becomes a problem before they will allow the plane to land.

Crash. Boom. Bam.

And an hour later our plane is diverted to Tennessee, we will certainly miss our connecting flight in St. Louis and, by the way, the St. Louis airport is closed for a while as well. So - we rebook our flights for tomorrow, I go and collect our bags (minor baggage mishap solved w/in 45 minutes), and me and the kids begin waiting for William to come and pick us up. And wait and wait and wait. William is trying to get to the airport with road closures all around due to flooding. We ended up waiting for him for 3 hours (at the airport a grand total of 6 hours).

Then he calls tell me that he can only pick us up on the highest level of the airport because the other levels at the airport have been flooded. Sure enough I see airport personnel with their pants hiked up to their thighs, shoes off, wading around down in the garage below. The elevators are no longer working because of the flooding, so I am trying to get three kids, four back packs, four pieces of luggage, a car seat and a stroller up the escalator to meet William. A nice man see the dilemma and tries to assist. Ezrie's escalator fear kicks in and I end up having to push her on the escalator so she won't be left alone at the bottom by herself, causing her to get bloody scrapes on her ankles and then hearing at least 100 times how 'mommy pushed Ezrie,' or other variations such as 'mommy cut Ezrie's ankles' or 'Mommy was naughty' reported to Dad.

We get everything loaded up, then try to find a creative way to get back to our home through flooded out roads. Along the way someone REALLY REALLY REALLY HAS TO GO to the bathroom (#2), we pull into a gas station, I run the child in only to find out they don't have public restaurants, but the Chinese restaurant across the street does, we have to wait for the lights to change, run over, see a sign posted "restrooms are for paying customers only" disregard said sign, run in and discover ..... we weren't exactly in time.

Oh goodness. So we continue trying to get home. By the time we get home, we should be just touching down in Utah. We've eaten all the backpack snacks, the new dollar store toys for the trip have lost their excitement, and we didn't progress our trip one bit.

Oh well!!! It could be worse. I could be stranded in St. Louis with a kid who's crapped their pants trying to get a hotel shuttle while smelling like pee, BO, bad breach and stinky feet.

I guess it's just another trip to write about on the blog. I live to entertain you!!!!!!

My Top Three

2009-07-30T20:12:00.002-04:00

Worst Pains in my Whole Life

#1) Having and recovering from Brain Surgery

#2) Studying for, taking and (as of 30 minutes ago) waiting for the results of the bar exam.

#3) C-Section child birth and recovery with complications before and after.

Yeah.

It's kind of like baby #2 ....

2009-07-29T21:56:00.003-04:00

So two days down, one to go. I've gotta do a fast post because I am pretty certain tomorrow afternoon the last thing I'll be wanting to do is talk about this experience in any way, shape for form for a while.

So the CA bar is three days. The first day first morning you get three essays that you have three hours to write. That afternoon you have a performance test where you get a fake client file and have a legal writing assignment. Day two is all multiple choice. Day three is a repeat of day one - 3 essay and a performance test.

Day 1 morning one - it took me 20 minutes to figure out what the first question was asking, the first two questions had some obscure points, but overall I had things to write about and felt like the morning was OK.

Then came the performance test in the afternoon. Holy freakin' hannah.

So because I am a spoiled brat to have had a brain tumor and have some subsequent complications (????!!!) I have been lucky enough to get special testing accommodations. That means it me and a proctor together in a hotel room. I mean a real life, two double beds, a desk and TV hotel room. And a bathroom. She just sits there and watches me. I just take the test. Not how I pictured it, but I have to say the fast bathroom access has been pretty sweet.

It especially came in handy when I thought I was going to hurl my guts out after reading the performance test for 20 minutes. I am not kidding when I say my entire body turned bright red. I had to go to the bathroom at least three times splashing water on my face.

Somehow I got an answer written, but I have to say that was a very horrible 3 hour period in my life.

Today was the multistate portion which was all multiple choice. Not easy. But not like yesterday.

So as I am anticipating my "Day 3" tomorrow which is a repeat of Tuesday's performance, it reminds me a lot of anticipating Ezrie's birth. With Levi, I had never had a baby before. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn't know HOW bad. That's what Day 1 was like. Then when I was waiting for Ezrie to come along, the vivid memories of the horribleness were WAY worse the the unknowing uncertainty of the future with baby #1. That's what it's like for me now. I know just how bad this can be. Oh goodness. But in 22 hours it will be over!!!!

As a little aside - I brought 120 pounds of luggage with me. 100 checked and 20 in a carry on. I wanted to make sure I had all of the foods I've been eating for the last 3 months, so I packed my favorite cereals, my favorite fiber muffins, my Hidden Valley Ranch fiesta mix. I'm a freak. (PS Anna - BHIP is fantastic and has the reason I am physically able to get through this exam - love it!!!) I even went so far as to go to Walmart and purchase a $6 toaster that I packed with me. Yes, I am a weirdo. But that toaster has come in handy as I have a small refrigerator but no microwave. After 5 straight days of cereal and sandwiches I am so looking forward to a good meal tomorrow night!!!

If only I had thought to bring a George Foreman so I could sizzle me up some bacon while in bed. Though I have heard that could cause injuries. (that episode was on yesterday and cracked me up!)

Ok - so now I have to go do what I have been avoiding - study for tomorrow!!! EEEKKKKK!!!!

(PS I forgot to add that on Day 1 I woke up at 4 am with the worst migraine ever, had to take pain meds, tried a hot shower on my neck, more pain meds, took ambien praying I would wake up in time for the exam and wake up with no headache, did wake up at 7 and was able to have a clear head for the exam ....... oh goodness me oh my. As hard as this is I definitely feel heavenly help)

Frumpin' It Up - LA style

2009-07-27T21:45:00.002-04:00

In 3 days this will be all over!!

Just a little note - apparently the dress code here around the pool is bikinis, expensive ones, and anything above a size 6 is considered plus size. So it was great fun getting the courage to get in the water with my peach and brown flowered top with brown skort (oh mama mia)!! But I figured if I can face this exam tomorrow I can face a bunch of rich barbies. And the pool was gorgeous. And the hotel gym is fabulous. And the bed and linens are beautiful. If I wasn't almost peeing my pants every five minutes from anxiety attacks this would be a fun little vacation for me.

Excerpts from a phone call with the kids tonight:

Ezrie "Mommy, when you get home can you go buy some groceries?" Oh goodness.

Levi: 'What does your test look like?' me: "humm, it has lots and lots of words." Levi: "what are the words about?" Me: "oh, the constitution and crimes and stuff." Levi: (cracking up) "mommy - you said 'crying!' Is you test about crying?' Me: "maybe."

............

(can't wait until Friday which I am thinking will be up there with one of the happiest days of my life)

Ready or Not .....

2009-07-23T14:04:00.005-04:00

Just a quick note during a study break .....

In two days I'm on a plane. A week from today this will be over (for four months, at least).

I got some perspective today as I was reflecting on this year. I remember the sleepless night and the longest. day. ever when I was waiting for The Phone Call when I found out about tumey. I remember having this picture taken last year, not knowing if I would come out of surgery with half my face paralyzed, or worse.

I remember getting my will together and signing it, along with instructions that I did not want to be left on life support if it came to that. I remember wondering, if something were to go wrong, if my sweet children at their young ages would remember how much their mother loved them. I remember hugging William and my dad goodbye as I walked into the operating room.

So in these last few days anticipating the bar exam, all I can say is that I've faced worst!!!!

I feel I've been blessed, I've done my very best and I am still praying not to see anything at all to do with civil procedure on the exam =).

It's been 10 weeks. They have NOT flown by. It has been a long, drawn out, arduous procedure. I've missed being a mom, though we have still managed to have some good times. Levi and I have bonded over Star Wars Lego. Ezrie and I have had some fun shopping trips looking at jewelry, eating lunch out and being buddies. Jaiden is really developing into a class clown and I hope to always remember the time this week where I turned the van around and took the kids to Steak and Shake instead of the errand we were running. I had at least three different people come up to tell me how much Jaiden entertained them during dinner. !!!

Levi and Ezrie have LOVED having later nights and our little slumber parties where we would dog pile in mom and dad's bad. We've done a few Six Flags trips. I loved seeing Levi and Ezrie holding hands going down the water slides together. Ezrie and Jaiden are good little buddies and Ezrie sneaks renegade toys into Jaiden when he has gone to bed. Jaiden LOVES LOVES LOVES the birthday presents dad picked out this year and pushes his little lawnmower all over the house and has to have 'doggie' even at the breakfast table.

It has been stressful, I've been frequently overwhelmed, but this is almost over. And then I get to be mom again. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the hardships that come along with the joys. But it will just be nice to get back to a normal life. (yeah, I know, 'normal.')

I'm looking forward to cleaning the house and cooking. That shows you how crappy these last 10 weeks have been. =)

Married on the Fourth of July

2009-07-05T07:39:00.007-04:00

Thanks to Jen, we have one picture from the Fourth of July... (I've lost my camera somewhere in the house)

We did the pancake breakfast activity with William, then I took the kids to our little downtown parade, and later on that day we got together with some friends for dinner and fireworks.

Oh yeah, and William and I, in passing, said 'Happy Anniversary.' (seven years!) I crammed as much study as possible in this weekend, and the anniversary celebration is just going to have to wait. Along with Father's Day, and William's 30th birthday celebration (I am planning on throwing him a 30 and 1/2 birthday party!) Oh goodness. Me oh my. Life will not always be like this, I know.

Today was week three of being the Nursery Leader in our ward. The kids are cute and I'm going to figure out how to do this calling one way or another. I do have to admit to being a bit stunned/shocked/surprised/other about this one - totally came out of left field for me. I have never once doubted divine inspiration behind the calling. It is so funny how just when you think you can't do anything else you are asked to do something more and you find you can. So it will all be just fine. And if some days I'm running on an ibuprofen buzz - so be it!!

In the moments I've had to think it has been so very odd to reflect on what we were doing last year. The Fourth of July really stands out to me from last year. We had found out about tumey three weeks before, and the 'going through the motions underwater' feeling was very present on the Fourth. We did the pancake and parade thing, and our gorgeous hometeacher couple kindly watched the kids and we went on that night just William and I. I was still at the stage where, in my head, I had the constant thought repeating itself "I have a brain tumor." When I think of all we have been through between law year's Fourth and yesterday, and all of the blessings and miracles we have experienced, I am just so grateful. It is still just a bit much to take in.

So life as I now know it is going to completely change in 3.5 weeks!!! I so desperately need these next three weeks to do my final preparation for the exam, but I am so so so so so so so very glad that this is coming to an end (this time around). I never thought I could do this. Some days when the alarm has gone off in the early morning hours I have just wanted to stay in bed - not because of tiredness but because of fear. But every time I have thought "I want to pass this exam more than I am scared that I will fail." And I've gotten out of bed. And God has been helping me. So much. These past 7 weeks I have felt him guiding me, giving me strength and courage, telling me this is His plan for me and our family. And I know that to be true. And I think I am beginning to accept that even if the very best I have to offer is not enough this time around, that it will all work out. (but oh I hope it is enough!)

So - 17 more study days and then I'm on a plane headed for L.A. And then, as of the First of August, I get to see three sweet kids a lot more. So looking forward to that all!!

Legaleasy

2009-06-30T15:48:00.002-04:00

This is how I know I am in a law study induced coma over here. I am just pulling some old exams off the CA bar's website and have been cracking up for five minutes because they had a misspelling. In one place they misspelled torts and it said TARTS!!!!!!!!

My. Life. Is. Pathetic.

But it's nice to get a laugh every once in a while. =)

I even dream in lawsuits ....

2009-06-05T19:42:00.004-04:00

I have become a nerdy law recluse and have my little desk area that I hover around most of the day and into the night. I think I've put in enough hours for today - this is just a little crazy over here.

I do make my way out of the basement into the bright and shiny lights of the world to make it to the gym a few times a week - necessary stress relief. It is a bit weird to ONLY live in PJs and work out clothes. I know it shouldn't be so weird (for me), but on the rare occasion (church) I have to wear a non-sports bra, it is WEIRD.

This will be the life for the next 7.5 weeks. There will be no news from here. Nothing changes. Only studying. Hope all is well in the blogosphere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa - busy week!!

2009-05-16T21:15:00.016-04:00

In an effort to do as many 'last things' as possible before Monday when I am eating, drinking, sleeping barbri law - we have been busy kids over here.

One day Levi and Ezrie each got to take a friend to the science center :

The last day of preschool - Levi and Ezrie with their teachers ...

After the last day of school, Ezrie invited her school friends to the park to celebrate her birthday.

We also had a little party with just our small family (and a HUGE HOMEMADE birthday cake!! ha ha!)

Emily, Teresa, Vicki and I stayed overnight in Cincinnati, met up with Britney there and got to attend Time out for Women this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were so blessed to hear from Sheri Dew, Wendy Watson Nelson (Russell Nelson's wife), Jenny Oaks Baker (Dallin Oaks daughter - an AMAZING concert violinist), Hilary Weeks, Emily Watts, Kris Belcher, Kim Nelson, and Michael Wilcox. The music was amazing - the presenters fantastic and I CANNOT believe I didn't get a picture with Sheri Dew. I love that woman. I went to get in line, then was intimidated because everyone was having her sign books they had purchased and I didn't buy anything. Oh well - the weekend's messages were fabulous. We were so blessed to be able to do this. I heard there were around 1400 women there. And 5 men.

And so, I think the last things are finished. Have a great summer and we'll see how this all goes!!

The Parable of The Dirty YMCA Locker Room Floor

2009-05-10T22:41:00.003-04:00

We have had a bad week for a few reasons. After Levi's diagnosis the two older kids had dentist appointments. Back in the middle of January Levi had some tooth pain. I took him to a dentist which will hereinafter be referred to as a 'dentist.' The 'dentist' took x-rays, could find no problems at all with Levi and said he thought Levi had six-year-old molars growing in that would cause him pain for a while.

So over the last four months Levi has continued to complain of pain, and I continued to chalk it up to these elusive six-year-old molars that the 'dentist' told me about. Well, in my zest to get all things in order before my full-time studies start, I decided to get the kids into the dentist for a check-up. I figured it couldn't hurt Levi to go in again, and it had been about 10 months since Ezrie had seen a dentist, so there you go.

Well, they saw the dentist last week. I absolutely cannot believe how terrible and horrible this is. I'm not kidding. The tooth pain that Levi had back in January was actually caused by two cavities that have now abscessed in the point where the only possible remedy is to have both of these molars pulled. The infection is so bad that Levi has to be on antibiotics for 10 days before they can do the work. Ezrie has a couple of cavities herself. This is beyond devastating to me. I cannot believe that my poor son has been in this type of pain for this long. It makes me sick.

We have already revamped everything to do with dental hygiene and care in our household. The poor kids, I think Saturday we had them brush their teeth five different times, and that is not counting the good flossing they got and their new fluoride rinse. Apparently all of the cavities are in flossing areas. We have not been good flossers with the kids - but that is changing. This has been such a big surprise because we do have the kids brush their teeth regularly, and they have been to the dentist with no warning of impending cavities.

I vacillate between feeling a supreme amount of guilt over these dental issues and feeling rage and anger at the 'dentist' who missed this back in January when the teeth probably could have been saved. Been then I try and remember that we all make mistakes. And maybe, just maybe the 'dentist' didn't make a mistake. Maybe for some reason even though Levi was in pain the cavities weren't visible on x-ray or upon exam. Regardless of what went wrong, I just want to get these teeth fixed and never want anything like this to ever happen again. Ever.

So I was in the steam room contemplating the events of this year on Saturday. I was the only one there and I have to admit I started feeling a bit sorry for myself. (I have not mentioned that my insurance has decided they will not pay for the surgery for the hearing implant I need). Levi's diagnosis propelled me into action this week and I am in the process of getting Jaiden registered for a program they run in our state for children with developmental delays including speech delays - which he most certainly has. I was thinking about each of our children and the concerns I have for them. I was thinking about my sweet husband and the concerns I have about him. I thought about my hearing loss and how it affects me. I think I was guilty of tunnel-visioning our problems and stress in our lives right now and I lost perspective. I started to cry. I thought to myself "What more can go wrong this year?"

The steam room at our 'Y' has some sort of eucalyptus whatever that they put in with the water. I think. They add something. So as my tears mixed with this .... whatever, it started to really sting my eyes. I left the steam room and quickly went into the family locker room hoping to find something to help my eyes. Well, I couldn't really see and I was moving pretty quickly and the next thing I knew my feet slipped out from under me. Fortunately my hands and rearend manged to brake my fall. When my feet were coming out from under me I remembering having a split second to think "oh, this is going to hurt." And then complete and total impact on the linoleum floor. The palms of my hand are totally bruised, I've got a cut on one hand from it, but the real damage is to my tailbone. But I will see my wonderful chiropractor tomorrow, so that will help.

So one moment I was hurrying into the locker room, the next I was literally laying face down on the dirty locker room floor. It was one of those falls that is so painful you cannot move for quite a while. I am laying there, face down on this disgusting floor and I think to myself "Ok, this is how I know that I am in excruciating pain right now - I don't care that my mouth is on this floor."

So I suppose this really isn't a parable, but parable seemed to fit so much nicer in my blog title. The correct word would be 'moral.' The moral of this story is that never think 'what more could go wrong in my life' because you could find yourself seconds later face down on a YMCA locker room floor unable to move.

I can't help but add that as I was face down on the YMCA locker room floor, I did manage to see from the corner of my eye one of those yellow triangle signs saying "caution, slippery when wet." And despite the spasms of pain going through my body I couldn't help but figuratively see the lawsuit slipping out of my hands. Not that I would ever sue. But, you know, I had to think it.

The irony about everything to do with this story CRACKS ME UP!!!!!!

OK, Janell - No more feeling sorry for yourself!!! Forget yourself and go be a mom!! Forget yourself and go be a wife!!! Forget yourself and go study!!!!

I really am not a compulsive attention seeker, well.....

2009-05-07T14:33:00.002-04:00

I really don't just make stuff up. For some unknown reason we happen to be having a crazy year or so for medical problems, conditions, tests and what not.

Our oldest child was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome this week. The testing began back in February and it just took a long time to get insurance approval, the necessary tests done, and then for the psychologist to put everything together in a report.

Levi is such a tender-hearted soul. He and his Dad are best of friends. He wants to do what is right and gets very upset when he thinks he has disappointed one of his parents. We daily tell Levi how proud we are of him. He is my firstborn, my big boy, my sweetheart, my son. We love him dearly. We love all of the kids dearly.

I am going back to my quiet corner now and try to figure out (for the umpteenth time) why I am trying to get ready for a bar exam right now.

Weight Loss Shmeight Loss

2009-05-02T07:27:00.002-04:00

I am going to leave comments open on this post because I really do need your ideas!!

So as if this morning, I am 1/2 a pound from having lost 30 pounds this years. While I am super duper exceedingly exciting about this and it is so great it has taken me a month to lose 1.5 pounds!!!!

Granted, I haven't been in my super-focused I am paying attention to every morsel that goes into my mouth mode and I have been resisting my eating plan like crazy.

You see I think I am a three-month wonder. I have had a habit, over the last two years, of getting excited and focused about getting healthy, and doing really well, and then after about three months I remember just how much I really do like Wendy's chicken club sandwich. Yum.

So this past month I have been struggling with what I want to do and how I want to proceed. This morning I have pretty much decided I am way to close to where I want to get to go back to my slovenly ways. So maintenance is a big concern of mine. In the long term, what do I need to do to have the health I want, the body size I want, and still enjoy some food yumminess and naughtiness!!

I think for me exercise will be the key. Once I've lost the weight I want to, if I keep up the rigorous exercise schedule that I have I know I'll be able to have a little more wiggle room. Not that I want to be sitting around watching tv eating potato chips all the time, (welll......) but - you know what I mean!!!

So what hints/tricks/or tips do you have for a three-month wonder trying to reform herself and trying to get a life plan in order?

More Pictures

2009-04-26T21:49:00.009-04:00

Twenty-one days and counting until my disappearing act begins in full-force, so I am trying to cram a lot of activities into a short amount of time. I want the kids and I to share many fun experiences before I am not the biggest part of their daily life for a while.

Hence ....

Pictures from a last-minute overnight getaway with the kids. Can "getaway" really be used in this context properly?? I don't know. I won't share all the details of this trip because it involves me and the proverbial lightening bolts, but I will say this was the first time for me and the kids to take a quick trip together. It was very interesting getting our stuff in and out of hotel with the kids.

My favorite favorite favorite part of the trip was on the way home, we had been on the freeway all of 2 minutes when my oldest states "I have to go to the bathroom." Of course I had made sure we'd all gone right before we'd gotten into the car. So, I say "You just went to the bathroom." "No," he replies. "A different kind of bathroom." Oh goodness. So this is not the kind of bathroom break we can cheat and use an empty water bottle for. But still, we JUST BARELY started driving home. So ..... "You are going to just have to squeeze your cheeks together and wait for a while," I say. Then I look in the rear view mirror. How can I forget how literal five-year-olds are? There he is back there, with his hands on his FACE cheeks, squeezing for dear life. That convinced mean old mom to exit ASAP and get all three kids back out of the car again. But man it sure made me have the best laugh of the day!

I also got to see my friend and ex-roomate from BYU Jessica - who I had not seen for years! It was so good to see her and catch up on lost time.

So, without further ado, here are the pictures:

Jaiden, who has not yet figured out how to crawl out of a crib or port a crib (thank heavens!!), in his corner of our hotel room....

Levi and Ezrie lounging in sofa-bed splendor. Ezrie VERY GRUMPY, coming down from a major sugar high after eating half a bag of marshmallows I had thrown from the front seat to the back seat of the van hoping to ease the madness for a short time. It was a quick fix that I paid for all night as she bounced off the walls and was just completely hyper. (Not pictured is me enjoying a king-sized bed all to myself - excellent!)

At the Children's Museum, the lego land royalty.

Digging for dinosaur bones and wearing the coolest googles ever (I can see them calling me blessed years from now for photographing them thus attired!)

And finally, Ezrie meeting Maya and Miguel. What fun!

I will be adding more pictures in the next few weeks as we do more 'stuff.'

Pictures Pictures Pictures

2009-04-18T17:55:00.013-04:00

Our Sleeping Beauty (who is doing much much better, but still the medical mystery remains unsolved ..... but we'll take all good test results!)
Easter eggs with friends ...

Kids with Easter morning hair...

Dad and kids with Easter morning hair..... (oh the joys of picture picking power!)

The best shot we have of Easter morning church clothes ......

Our first American BBQ ....

We love spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I am about to return to the studying hole I came from and hide away in darkness and misery (!) for the next few months, I just have a few things to say.....

I just might quite possibly be in love with Susan Boyle (click here if you don't know who I am talking about). Ok, not that kind of 'in love' but you know what I mean. I love her story, I love this performance, I love a "frumpy" woman showing them what's what!! I have shed many tears watching this again and again.

As I am about to embark on this barbri love fest with law I have much gratitude in my heart. I am so very truly deeply grateful that our darkest fears turned out to be unfounded regarding Ezrie's health. I am so grateful for our three children and all the joy and happiness they bring to our lives. They crack me up daily. I am so very grateful that William, who has been in poor health this year himself, has been having some good days. I am so grateful, despite my whining and complaining and overwhelming fear of failure, for the chance I do have to take the bar exam and have the chance to see a lifelong dream realized. I am grateful for good health, for all that my body has allowed me to do the last several months. I am grateful for a nice town to live in and all the comforts of life that we enjoy. We are blessed with fantastic family and friends and valued relationships beyond measure.

We have had our trials this year (oh goodness, at the New Year I had no idea what we were headed into) but at the same time we have been overwhelmed with blessings. God's reality is manifested in every aspect of our life, and this truth cannot be denied.

And so, I think this will be my last post with comments on for a while. I promise to check in with you all and I'll write updates when I can. Take care my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Results are in: Never Leave a Message With William

2009-04-07T21:24:00.002-04:00

Most of the people who call our house know that either I'll answer the phone or it will go to voice mail. Once in a blue moon William will answer. Most of the people who have left messages with William know they never reach me. Sometimes William has even been bold enough to tell the caller he can't be trusted to pass along a message.

So when I called the specialist this afternoon, after waiting two full business days to hear about Ezrie's results, and brashly left a message asking when we could expect to hear back, it never dawned on me that nobody had explained our house rules to the specialist.

So when I went to neurotically talk to William about what kind of parent I came across to the specialist because of my always calling to find out this that or the other, imagine my surprise to see the sheepish look and the "oh, whoops. I kind of forgot to mention something." Yes, because I wasn't anxiously agonozing today about getting this phone call.

Anywhooo - long story and background for great results:

Apparently all of Ezrie's blood work is now normal. No elevated anything. Kind of sort of totally weird, and awesome and fantastic. So if Ezrie's pain can just go away (and the last couple of days it has been significantly less) I am happy to pretend that the last month or so didn't really happen. We do have a follow up scheduled for three weeks from Friday - I am very interested to see what various explanations for this can all be.

Ok - so jumping up and down over here while I am sitting my rear on the couch blogging - but truthfully so whole-heartedly happy. I am so grateful not to have to take Ezrie in to get more blood drawn - that was so hard for her. So grateful and thankful that no cancer of any kind is lurking in her little body. So thankful for everyone's prayers - I know they have tremendously helped. The whole thing just feels a bit anti-climactic - I think because to this point we have had no satisfying explanation. But if the pain goes away, and all test results are normal - what more can we ask for????? Pain be gone!!!

My Good News

2009-04-06T19:53:00.002-04:00

While we are still waiting on blood test results for Ezrie, we'll take any good news that comes our way, so .....

Remember the ethics and professional responsibility exam I took four weeks and two days ago that I have to pass with the bar exam to be sworn in as an attorney .... I passed it!!! I wasn't anywhere close to failing - which is not how I felt walking out of that test. This is just one more (in this case little) step on the road this year, but glad to have it out of the way.

Also, I have lost a total of 27 pounds this year ..... !!!!!!!! So, by my estimation, I am down to looking about four months pregnant. I want this pregnant pouch gone until I have a valid reason for having it again!!!!

Thanks for your comments and ideas - I am googling like crazy and have a back-up person in Salt Lake to take my sweet daughter to if all else fails over here. We'll just have to see how everything goes this week. Take care all!!

DR appointment

2009-04-03T20:05:00.003-04:00

We saw the specialist today and we got some very good news - she says the bone scan conclusively ruled out leukemia, along with the other cancers she was looking for. Whewww. I am so relieved and happy about that part of the whole thing. And no bone marrow biopsy needed - thank goodness. That is a big relief.

I had to take Ezrie back to the lab for another run of blood tests. Poor darling - this is the third round and she becomes increasingly traumatized by the whole thing. (After the first labs we found out she thought she had the needle in her arm the rest of the day .....!!!) A b-nana split at dairy queen afterwards kind of eased the pain. Fortunately William's work is just around the corner from the hospital and he was able to come over and meet us. I really needed him there.

So, we will wait and see what the new tests have to say. If the enzymes that were highly elevated two weeks ago are still high, then there are more blood tests in store. If not, then .... we've been given a prescription for the pain and we have a follow up in 4 weeks. I have gotten very unsatisfactory answers as to possible causes of this pain - either a) a reaction to a viral infection (that's some infection she's been reacting to for over a year now) or b) her joints are so flexible and movable that maybe she over uses them and that's what causes her pain.

To me these are answers that really mean "I have no idea what the heck is going on."

Even though the big scary diseases have been ruled out, I don't feel I can breathe a sigh of relief totally and completely. Because. My. Daughter. Is. In. Pain. Thankfully she has had a good day for pain today.

I feel powerless, incapable and unable to help my daughter.

I can't help but think of our experience with Tumey daily. I knew when I was diagnosed that I was so lucky to have had doctors who listened to me, who got me in for tests and to have results and a diagnosis very quickly. It wasn't even 3 weeks from the day I was fully covered with insurance that we knew about Tumey. I read many stories from many people who suffered for months (some over years) with no answers and no one who listened to them.

I do feel like our pediatrician and rheumatologist have listened and taken us seriously, it is just frustrating to not have any answers and to not know where to go next. We are on month four of tests and watching Ezrie's health to try and figure this thing out. I suppose we wait until the labs come back and see what those results are.

I have really really really bad instincts. No joke. William and I joke all the time about my 'women's intuition' and how we should always do the opposite of what I think or feel. I kept thinking about this characteristic with comfort when I was convinced these tests were going to come back with a serious diagnosis for Ezrie (but looking at her in pain sometimes, it just seemed like it has to be something serious). So my instincts are still shouting that there is something here to be diagnosed. Is it my crazy never to be listened to instincts, or something that is real????

Oh goodness, the questions we have.

Well, drama mama had better think about wiping down counter tops or something. Now that the biggies have been ruled out life has to get back to some semblance of order.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers for our family and especially Ezrie - so very much appreciated!!!

Appointment Friday

2009-04-01T15:55:00.002-04:00

We are seeing Ezrie's specialist Friday morning. I am assuming at that point we will get another test set up.

Normal Tests

2009-03-31T20:40:00.003-04:00

Ezrie's bone scan came back normal.

This comes after a particularly difficult day for her health wise. This morning I watched her crawl from her bedroom to the bathroom in tears because it was too painful for her to walk and crawling hurt too. Once we get ibuprofen in her and it takes affect she can walk around normally.

But she tires so easily. And whatever she has is getting worse. The last two weeks I have seen a major change - the last two days even more so. I have to pack the ibuprofen with us where ever we go. I have to plan that she can walk about two minutes on her own and then she has to be carried or be in a stroller. This is so hard to see our child going through so much pain and not be doing anything that will help this go away forever. I'm grateful the ibuprofen takes the edge off, but hate giving her so much and know we aren't solving the problem.

Tomorrow a.m. I will call the specialist and see how soon we can get in and see what is next on our test agenda.

Clearly normal tests are good. It is just so clear that something is not right and I hope and pray that we soon have the answers we are looking for to help our sweet daughter.

Dear Doctors

2009-03-31T19:02:00.003-04:00

Please define "should."

Please define "hear."

Please define "tomorrow."

Please define "afternoon."

No news yet. I had keys in my hand to drive to the doctor's office but William was not up to watching the kids and not up to driving down himself, so I've been holding a phone in my hands for the last 6 hours.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No News Today

2009-03-30T17:33:00.000-04:00

We should hear tomorrow afternoon.

Pictures

2009-03-29T19:49:00.020-04:00

We visited the Children's museum in Virginia and the kids had A BALL!!!!! We also went to the IMAX next door and the kids were mesmerized - Jaiden got the biggest kick out of it and kept on giggling, pointing and overall loved it (until he fell asleep). Ezrie got big eyes and said "why are we in the forest?" It did feel like we were at all the gorgeous places they showed us around the world.

So our first road trip with kids has come and gone. The first day we left at 3 am, coming home we left at 6:30 pm and arrived at 3 am - I think we are fans of leaving around bedtime and driving while the kids are sleeping instead of getting up early. (Thank you Emily for letting us invade and for being endlessly patient with all of our plan changes!!!)

Here are some photos from the Children's museum - what a great time!

This Post is Brought to you From a Bathtub in DC

2009-03-28T03:45:00.008-04:00

Tumey taught me to be as busy as possible all day long when there are things you really don't want to think about looming constantly in your thoughts. In an effort to get through these next few days we planned a last minute trip to visit the gorgeous Emily and family in Virginia and then go on to Washington DC for a little while. And this is the first road trip. Ever. With our kids. We left super early Thursday morning (or late Wednesday night) so my body is on this weird, go to bed at 8, get up at 2 am time clock, hence .... a post from the bathtub of our priceline hotel in DC in the wee hours of the morning.

We got to Virginia Thursday afternoon, and pretty much crashed the rest of the day. Yesterday we got a couple of minivans loaded and headed to the city with Emily and her kids to take a look around. Here are some pictures....

On the metro - fresh and ready to go!

The gorgeous Emily and co.

Ezrie practicing her ballerina moves (I love Levi's look in the background - he wasn't too impressed with the long metro ride!)

At the Smithsonian museum of natural history (what a cool and exciting place!)

More museum shots ....

With the Washington monument in the background ...

My boys, totally tuckered out after the day's adventures.

And then we showed up to the hotel - which will always crack me up when I look back and remember the embarrassment. We got a stark raving deal through priceline and ended up at a really nice hotel in downtown DC. Getting the bellhop to load our dufflebag, backpack and endless grocery sacks (a couple with the handles rippled off) of cereal, bread so smashed from two days in the car there may be no possible way to make PB&Js tomorrow, and miscellaneous kid crap and THEN valet park (the only parking option here) our van which we have been living in the last two days with crumbs galore, an empty diaper box between the driver's and passenger's front seat which has been a platform for our portable DVD player, and endless mess - oh goodness me oh my!!!!

Our hotel room went from gorgeous perfect to a pigsty in 60 seconds flat as the kids ran through, shedding clothing, eating warm chocolate chip cookies, accidentally calling the front desk and inspecting every little thing.

Crazy, chaotic and crumbs. We wouldn't have it any other way.

One more Week

2009-03-23T13:43:00.001-04:00

A week from today will be the bone scan. We should find out results that afternoon. We will keep you posted - thank you for your prayers for our sweet Ezrie!

Here We Go Again - Waits and Tests

2009-03-20T00:33:00.004-04:00

We had Ezrie in to see a specialist early this week for the pain and swelling she has been having in her legs, knees and elbow. The specialist determined that Ezrie needed to have more labs run (we had run a gazillion back early December). There were some enzymes she was concerned about. She said if the tests came back showing these highly elevated enzymes that we would need to have a bone scan done. I asked what they would look for in a bone scan. She kind of hemmed and hawed a while, and then ... bone cancer. (clearly there would be other possibilities as well).

We got the results today - the enzymes are highly elevated so we are scheduling in a bone scan for next week. Ezrie will get an IV and then they shoot some radioactive fluid through her veins which allows the bones to show up in a way that is different than x-rays on this scan. Because she has had such traumatic experiences having her blood drawn, they are going to give her a sedative for this scan. If we didn't need to have the sedative, we could have the scan tomorrow. Since she does need the sedative, it's apparently a bit more complicated to schedule so we'll have it sometime next week. The good news is we'll get results the same day.

My poor sweet darling - going through these tests!! Obviously there is a huge spectrum of things that could be going on with her little body from things which I pray are not too serious to things that are serious. I would love to be able to deny away her symptoms, saying nothing is wrong, but several times a day I am faced with facts that tell me something is wrong. When her legs hurt too much to walk to the car. When she goes inside because she got tired playing. When she wakes up crying in the night from joint pain. I know something is wrong, I just pray that it is something easily solved.

We got these results in the late afternoon. All day long, Ezrie has constantly been telling me that she loves me. It is no exaggeration that she has easily said this to me 200 times today. I was having a bad day, she obviously sensed it and told me this morning "Mommy, you are such a special mommy. You are a special person."

We've had a girl night tonight. She's gotten to stay up late (yes, Jan, past 6:30!) with her mom, watching TV, eating popcorn and chocolate chips. I do know in my heart that whatever is going on, this precious daughter of ours is going to have a long and happy life.

I wish I had the courage to just keep this to myself until next week when we know more what is going on, but I don't. I. am. compelled. to. share.

!!!!!!!!

And am selfishly putting comments on for this post!!!